Thanks for the reminder re: significance of counselling...in one sense, I'm amazed that we are this far along compared to where things were a number of weeks ago. At the same time, my goodness does it feel agonizingly slow and the hope I have feels full of holes like swiss cheese. It feels like my heart is aching and like I have this gnawing, grating sensation in my chest...yearning to be back together already.
The prompt of using time to build and heal ourselves is so important...I am trying to hold this in the forefront during the (frequent) difficult moments.
Thanks for your post and sorry to hear of your sitch. I can tell you understand some of the feelings...the surreal experience still is very much a part of this for me. It's just...plain...WEIRD!! Unfortunately, it's also real. I wish you well in your journey and thanks for lurking and posting here! I'll keep you appraised.
I must run to go see a movie (by myself...sigh)--but I'm going to go do it anyway as something for me. I'll write you when I get back as I want to respond to your comments! I'm anxious as MC is tomorrow and I've just started getting that butterfly / jiggly heart thing going on.
Good for you for going to the movie. We all need to do things to help ourselves, for our spouses are, as so many on these boards have said, just plain gone. Whether they return to us or not is not our choice, and we have to accept that each and every day, whether we are married or not, we must count only on ourselves for happiness. To put our happiness in the hands of another, I have learned, is a recipe for disappointment. Doesn't mean we don't have friends and spouses, of course, but rather we must recognize that ultimately we are responsible for ourselves.
I've found it somewhat helpful, if a bit morbid, to think about my W as dead. How would I live if she truly were dead, say from a car accident? I would grieve, as I am doing now, but I would find ways to go on. So must we all.
Also, one of the most powerful things I read all summer, and I read a ton of books on love, marriage, and life in general, came from Terrence Real. He makes the basic point that I, and a lot of others, miss: there is no objective reality in relationships. Instead of concluding that the other person is "wrong" or just "doesn't get it," we must try to understand, as best we can, what their reality is. It's pointless to argue "Well, why can't she see things the way I do?" She can't. Period. Don't ask why, just grasp that she can't see things your way because she has her reality. Whether your relationship survives, and then thrives, will depend on whether both of you can reach this point.
I wish you well; keep taking care of yourself by doing what you want to do.
Oh Bruce...I'm buying that book, my friend. If you want a singular example of objective reality, then I've got a story for you.
My MLC alien and I were watching TV this evening. There was a gameshow on...don't recall the title (Moment of Truth?)...but it involves people answering questions for money that they had previously been asked while hooked to a lie detector.
Anyway, this young blonde was in the hot seat, and the questions were getting very personal. Her husband was seated near her. As the stakes increased, her old boyfriend appeared to ask a question: "If you thought I still loved you, would you leave your husband for me?" You could see the anguish on her face as she struggled to answer the question. Her husband buried his head in his hands. Before she could answer, a family member hit a buzzer that stopped her from having to answer the question. But the look on her face...the answer was obvious.
My wife blurts out: "He said IF...IF he still loved her!!"
I was...umm...taken aback by her response.
The show proceeds. Now we're in the big money. The question: "Did you have sexual relations with someone other than your husband after you were married?"
My God. Again, the anguish on the face of the contestant...
"Yes."
The husband's face drained of color. He buried his face in his hands.
"Awwww. That poor guy..." I said. My heart ached for him.
"Well...maybe he's a total AZZHOLE!!!" spews my wife.
I looked at her with both shock and amazement.
Bruce, I don't think you could come up with a better example of an alternate, objective reality.
And so it goes...
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Thanks for this. It's good to hear that you also think it may be significant for her to have called. I know the MC is an important piece...though she has been abundantly clear that it is not for reconciliation, but "exploration". Okay, fair enough. I suppose that is a good place to start. Feeling a bit anxious and then more grounded tonight...W. emailed me re: logistics of getting to MC tomorrow--sometimes she is extremely brief in her emails which comes across as curt. Anyway, I'm picking her up. Weird thing is, we haven't talked about R. or the MC since the first session 2 weeks ago. This seems weird to me, but I'm not going to push it. I figure questions and exploration about stuff like this at this stage are far better coming from the MC rather than me to her.
My focal points for tomorrow: 1. Breathe 2. Repeat #1 3. Listen...A LOT. 4. Let smarty pants questions come from the MC; keep my own mouth shut when feeling a desire to "make a point" or some other vainly self-serving business 5. Know a few of my hot buttons and anesthetize them a little bit 6. Be open to showing emotion and sharing, but also being strong for myself 7. Hope to come away with another positive experience together and maybe have learned a little more about W's experience and what is going on for her 8. Did I mention breathe?
I've got to catch up on your thread, Ali. I'll pop over there tomorrow and check in with you. I know the whole weekend get together or not thing is a bit of a trek to go through, isn't it? Seems like there are a lot of similarities in our experiences!
Well, I'd better get to bed. Big day tomorrow. Wish me luck, guys!! : )
Went to the movie...I felt a bit down being there solo, but at least it was a good show. Kept my mind off things and distracted me a bit. Those are some good words (but tough to live) re: our own happiness and not putting it in the hands of others.
Wow, what a story you got there Bomb. Terrence Real has written some great stuff, I believe, about trying to understand each other and empathize, hard as that is at times. His "New Rules of Marriage" is similar to "How Can I Get Through to You," but both were eye-openers for me and showed me many things I needed to learn about love and relationships, things my parents or no one else taught me. Sometimes we have to learn ourselves, and sometimes it's a hard lesson. Still, as so many self-help books say, one key to dealing "successfully" with pain and tragedy in life is to figure out what lessons you need to learn from this. It is a learning opportunity, if you are willing to follow that path, wherever it may lead. It may lead you into some painful parts of your own psyche, but you must be willing to take that ride. It's a long one, too. Still, I believe it would be far worse to go through this mess and have only the pain of heartbreak come out of it. We have to learn, whether it be for a new relationship with our spouses (old one is dead) or a new relationship with someone else.
Purr, good for you for going to the movie. It's hard to do that kind of thing alone, but it sure beats sitting home all the time heartbroken. We must face our pain, but there are times when it's good to get out and get distracted, too. Keep up the good work.
I hope your MC session went well. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders about how to handle it. Don't get defensive, as much as you might want to point out her problems. It will only make her more defensive, and things will escalate. Validate,validate, validate to create a safe space for her. Then you can get to your stuff with her down the road, but you won't get there at all if you push her away first. It's a long road, and I wish I could get my W on it, so be glad you are at least making an effort. No one knows where you will end up, so take it one step at a time and don't look too far ahead with expectations.
Thanks Bruce1 for your words. Might have to check out that book you were recomending.
_________
Journalling:
Went to MC this morning. Intense session, but good for both of us. Briefly talked about it afterwards...both agreed that we liked the MC and the approach. I feel like I may have blown it driving back in the car, though probably it's not as bad as I think. W. is going away on two trips: one next week for a week, and the other to the tropics for a conference and vacation (end of March, sounds like for about 2 weeks). W. had been avoiding telling me much about this second trip I think because she suspected it would upset me. I asked her briefly about it and she noticed I was quiet and not feeling great and asked how I was feeling. I told her that it sounded like a great trip and it made a lot of sense that flying all the way out there, that she would take some vacation time too. But then I said that I feel sad because I remember we talked (a long time ago) about this trip and had at one point thought about turning it into a vacation together. I said this would have been a great trip to go on. I also said that I think I felt sad because this is the first time in 8 years that one person has taken vacation time separately from the other. She seemed to understand, but I think it was too much.
Now I've been obsessing about it and feeling incredibly distressed. She's been seeing a lot more of her friends and family. I feel like she is quite liking her life as it is. I'm fearful of her taking trips and having "epiphanies" while she is away about ending things. Even so, the MC session was a positive one...not scheduled back for a month...wasn't clear but I think spring break makes the MC availability limited, but I'm trying to see if we can get in a little sooner. Pretty sure my W. would agree to this.
But I feel so terrible right now. I feel like I just don't have the support and friendships. I feel like I totally blew it on my reaction to this trip and now I don't know how to respond. We don't have anything scheduled re: seeing each other or anything, and I feel like it would be good to talk about the R. but don't even know what I would say. How can it feel somewhat positive in the MC and yet I now feel so incredibly hopeless at the same time? Do you know what I mean--that dreadful, deep sense of hopelessness. I know I'm supposed to be strong, but I feel so much hurt and grief and fear right now I just don't know how to do it.
I don't know if I should contact my W. at all to say something about my reaction today...I almost feel like I should apologize. I'm so confused and overwhelmed right now.
