I was wondering what you were doing up so late, but then I read your post and it is one of those nights/mornings...
I am sorry my friend, I don't know if it helps, but I Know exactly how you feel. I've been there and I 'll probably get there again.
There isn't much we can do, both me and you. Our Hs need to figure out their s$it before they can become loving and caring and themselves again.
I had a good day yesterday, went out (and I am telling you men DO prefer blonds) but through all the afternoon/night I kept hearing in my head what he said to my T about how he doesn't want to be loved or love someone and that made me feel very sorry and concerned about him. But I can't help. It's his problem, he needs to take care of it.
Stay strong, hang in there. Nobody forces us to do that but we chose to do it because we love them. For as long as this love stays alive, we actually have no other choice..
BobbiJo, You know I am not an expert at DBing and I make lots of mistakes. I'm also not a very patient person, one of the many things I need to fix about me. I can tell you this...my went to IC for 7 1/2 months w/ very few signs of changing. Now over the last month I slowly see the man I once knew returning. I know it sucks so much and you just want him to snap out of it, but unfortunately that isn't going to happen. Love is patient.....
I hope you wake up today with a brighter outlook. Keep telling yourself that someday it will be better. Think of all the pain your foot is causing you...just like that pain won't last forever, neither will the pain in your heart.
I know this sucks. It does for all of us. Patience is all we can hope for in these situations. I have never had much of it. Maybe that's why I'm going hell.
I know it doesn't fell like it, but life will get better. You just have to have faith. Focus on small goals each day. Pick something you like to do and look forward to it. Do it and enjoy it. Then pick the next thing and look forward to it. It's sort of like mental health baby steps. It really does work. Whenever I look to far forward life gets dark. If I stay in the short term I can handle it and even enjoy it.
Thanks guys for your words. Don't know if things are looking up for me, or if I just am getting more informed about why they are so down?...
Saturday night/Sunday morning SUCKED! We got done w/the dinner party at around 1 a.m. at our friends house. Can't even remember how the conversation started or honestly what it was specifically about. Think it was just something about how we were so far apart. I maybe offered support and he didn't accept it. I don't really remember now which seems silly. I just know he got the two kids out of the car and carried them in the house to put them in bed. I got out of the passenger side and in the driver side and drove out of the garage. Just left him inside at 1:15 in the morning. I drove until2:30 or so. H sent me several TMs. The first said something re. "I know you are mad at me and I understand. I am so sorry I am just so lost and I don't know what to do. I know it is scary for you b/c it is scary to me too". I said something back about knowing he is lost but wanting someone/something to hold onto during the tough times. He replied back something like "When you don't know what is wrong with yourself it is impossible to support someone else". I replied back that I knew that, I didn't need his support I just wanted him to accept some of mine". He said his biggest challenge was making it through the day and staying sane in the process. Then he sent another asking me to please come home and sleep in our bed where I would be safe....
So I thought about it and really that was as much as he has shared w/me in all of our counseling sessions. He has "lost" himself and doesn't know how to get "himself" back...He is emotionally empty inside over what has become of him/his life so he truly has nothing to give me right now. Or almost nothing. He did send the TMs after all so he has SOMETHING.........
I came home and got on here and posted till after 3. Then went to bed and so did he. Don't know why but I put my arm around his waist in the night and he didn't push it off, even though I am pretty sure he was awake....
Church on Sunday was a sermon called "Love:What's Marriage got to Do with It?" It is a 6-week series on love. This week and next are re. marriage and marital love. Talked about AGAPE love which is giving above and beyond yourself, and unselfish love, etc.
This was like a direct line from my heart to my H's ears!!! Pastor said that in this culture, Marriage is expected to provide "Happiness". In Christ, Marriage is expected to bring about "Holiness", as our spouses help redeem us and vice versa. This was key because H often says these days, "I just want to be HAPPY". Pastor mentioned how his wife in past years has often basically been like a mirror, reflecting back to him his worst traits. In his treatment of her he can see his selfishness, bitterness, spite, etc..... That instinctively you want to blame that other person for your faults and your unhappiness. But he said for us all to remember that your spouse may be the one that helps you become the person you always wanted to be.....
Anyway it was a great sermon about how Marriage is a covenant between us, God, and the community. Not just a contract between two people like the world culture portrays it. Pastor even mentioned a low point when he and his W were fighting all the time and they thought "This is when people get divorced". And he said at that point that day they vowed to commit to never going through that again. So anyway it was the perfect sermon at the perfect time.
On the way home we stopped for groceries and H was grumbling about how I wrote out the list (he went in and I waited b/c of my foot). I got teary and said, "After a sermon like that, you come out and blame me for how long it takes you to get groceries?" Dumb I know but it hurt me.
A few minutes later in the car he said, "I did hear every word Pastor said. I am just so lost but I am really trying and I am sorry". And the whole time he said it he had reached over and was rubbing my arm.
So maybe there is light at the end of this tunnel. Or at least I have a better understanding of the darkness???
But neither of us has mentioned Separation since the MC appointment. I am going to try to just give him space to find himself but yet be loving and supportive in non-threatening ways if I can. I don't want it to be over and I am pretty sure now that he doesn't, either....
It sure sounds like you got some good information from your H. So you know he is lost emotionally right now. It is doubtful that he will be like this indefinitely. Give him time to figure out what to do. I dont think there is anything else you can do but wait patiently. He knows that you are there for him. You just have to have the unconditional love attitude for now. Try to just listen and validate when he opens up like this next time. Dont push back or try to come up with any answers for him.
BobbiJo, Sounds pretty positive. It's all about expections (aka patience). It's weird how our WAS go up and down sometimes. If you are comfortable with status quo and you see some positives hang in there. One of my buddies once told me that the secret to being happy is to have low or no expectatons. I thought it was an odd way of looking at things but you know, after all we have been through, those may be words to live by. I may even take it outside the relationship arena and to other facets of my life....that is what he does and it seems to work for him.
I would take that as a positive. Now try hard to give him some space. It sounds like he took a step forward. Don't chase him backwards. Let him take another step without any pressure.
Thanks guys. Slow and steady wins the race, right?? I think I have learned over the weekend that this is really nothing to do with me, I mean it is my M but my H's problems are his. He has to face them and deal with them on his own time schedule. Just need to let him know I am here for him and let him do his thing. No pressure. No expectations. Let's hope I can keep remembering that for more than 8 hours at a time!
So this morning went well. H and I were in bed. S5 came in at 6:45 and I was grumpy b/c I was hoping to score some snuggle time w/H. Always my goal but doesn't happen.......I hugged S until 7 then told him to go out for breakfast. I got his food made and took a shower while he ate. Came into bedroom after shower w/no clothes on. H was still in bed. Put on underwear and got in bed, said "I am going to just lay here for 5 minutes more to rest". Can't remember who started it but we ended up spooning--nothing sexual--for about five minutes w/H's arm around my shoulders in front of me. I figured it was time for D to wake up so I rolled over to get up, said, "Can I get a hug?" And as I tried to hug H he pulled me over onto him so he could hug me w/both arms. Squeezed me tight. Then I even got a pat on the butt
Maybe that is TMI but I was sooo happy! Good start to my day anyway.
Pastor said that in this culture, Marriage is expected to provide "Happiness". In Christ, Marriage is expected to bring about "Holiness", as our spouses help redeem us and vice versa. This was key because H often says these days, "I just want to be HAPPY". Pastor mentioned how his wife in past years has often basically been like a mirror, reflecting back to him his worst traits. In his treatment of her he can see his selfishness, bitterness, spite, etc..... That instinctively you want to blame that other person for your faults and your unhappiness. But he said for us all to remember that your spouse may be the one that helps you become the person you always wanted to be.....