Hi, I'm new here. I posted earlier in the newcomer's forum but I think this is where I probably belong. I noticed that there are high desire H's, low desire W's and high desire W's here but no low desire H's. Wish there were so I could understand H's situation better. I don't know how to provide a link there so I just copied and pasted the same message here. Hope to get some support. Thanks.
I got here when someone from Babycentre's Message Board on Sex After Baby recommended Michelle's SSM book. There are many new and not so new parents there searching for answers to this issue. It would seem to me that most SSM starts when cozy twosome becomes 3 or more. Suddenly you find that your spouse becomes a new person, a parent in place of the lover you used to know. Sometimes out of sheer exhaustion, lack of time and sleep, physical intimacy becomes neglected and placed on the back burner. Soon neglect turns to a habit and then when it goes on for too long, other problems surface and then the M breaksdown. Perhaps Michelle can come up with a new book to help new parents nip this problem in the bud?
I am a new parent myself and this is my sitch. I am 36, H 38. We have been together 9 years, married for the last 2 and been living together for several years before that. We now have a little girl who is 11 months old. I have a wonderful M and am married to the most wonderful man whom I love dearly. So what exactly am I doing here you might ask. Well, I think that this forum is not only useful to those who are thinking of the big D but it is useful to anyone working at a M and even the most wonderful of Ms requires lots and lots of hard work.
My M is in SSM mode for 20 months now. May I call it that? I have many sleepness nights thinking about why and sleep is such a precious thing these days. I know my H is under a lot of stress. He is taking medication for anxiety, he has a recent job promotion in a tough environment, he's had to deal with grief over death of his remaining parent, adjust to life with a baby etc. So I certainly don't blame him for this state but what I am unhappy about is his unwillingness to talk about it. My latest plea to him to talk to me is met with more silence, so thats why I am here. So I can talk and talk and there will be others to listen to me. I find that the more I talk to H the worse the problem becomes as he just gets more and more stressed and I feel more and more rejected. When I bring up the subject to H, H will either keep silent, or tell me that I am stressing him and putting pressure on him or tell me to bear with it and wait till things get better but they never do. New stresses come up along the way and I am pushed back further and further. It is like waiting in a queue and someone else keeps on cutting on your queue.
I keep asking myself why and keep second guessing myself. It must be because I have put on weight, I'm breastfeeding etc. Why doesn't he want me any more or find me desirable anymore? I have asked him all of these things before but I get no answers. So I figured out that it must be me but he just doesn't want to say so he won't hurt my feelings. I thought it might be the medication but then he keeps porn on the computer so maybe not. Theres just no more passion in him for me anymore. I feel very depressed about this. Initially, I was affection starved as well as there was no hugs etc from him. At least now, after months of complaining he is affectionate again and perhaps I should just live with that because everything else is so good. He is a very responsible person, a great father (I fell in love all over again with him when I saw how he was with our baby), considerate, thoughtful and now loving and affectionate too. And if you ask me to choose between affection and sex, I would choose affection anytime. Heck, I'm usually too tired for sex myself anyway. All I want is to be close to him and for him to want me a little.
During my 7 1/2 month of pregnancy I also had to deal with finding out about H's PA with a co-worker before we got married. OW came to my house with a letter that looked like phonography detailing their exploits to me. I was devastated. They never went all the way but it makes little difference to me. H betrayed my trust, thats it. H was very sorry and I have forgiven him and we agreed to put it behind us and not let it be a wedge between us but I have trouble forgetting. I need very much for him to show me physically that its me he still wants but.........
I have so much more to say but better stop here. H says I'm very long winded.
