Thanks guys for your words. Don't know if things are looking up for me, or if I just am getting more informed about why they are so down?...
Saturday night/Sunday morning SUCKED! We got done w/the dinner party at around 1 a.m. at our friends house. Can't even remember how the conversation started or honestly what it was specifically about. Think it was just something about how we were so far apart. I maybe offered support and he didn't accept it. I don't really remember now which seems silly. I just know he got the two kids out of the car and carried them in the house to put them in bed. I got out of the passenger side and in the driver side and drove out of the garage. Just left him inside at 1:15 in the morning. I drove until2:30 or so. H sent me several TMs. The first said something re. "I know you are mad at me and I understand. I am so sorry I am just so lost and I don't know what to do. I know it is scary for you b/c it is scary to me too". I said something back about knowing he is lost but wanting someone/something to hold onto during the tough times. He replied back something like "When you don't know what is wrong with yourself it is impossible to support someone else". I replied back that I knew that, I didn't need his support I just wanted him to accept some of mine". He said his biggest challenge was making it through the day and staying sane in the process. Then he sent another asking me to please come home and sleep in our bed where I would be safe....
So I thought about it and really that was as much as he has shared w/me in all of our counseling sessions. He has "lost" himself and doesn't know how to get "himself" back...He is emotionally empty inside over what has become of him/his life so he truly has nothing to give me right now. Or almost nothing. He did send the TMs after all so he has SOMETHING.........
I came home and got on here and posted till after 3. Then went to bed and so did he. Don't know why but I put my arm around his waist in the night and he didn't push it off, even though I am pretty sure he was awake....
Church on Sunday was a sermon called "Love:What's Marriage got to Do with It?" It is a 6-week series on love. This week and next are re. marriage and marital love. Talked about AGAPE love which is giving above and beyond yourself, and unselfish love, etc.
This was like a direct line from my heart to my H's ears!!! Pastor said that in this culture, Marriage is expected to provide "Happiness". In Christ, Marriage is expected to bring about "Holiness", as our spouses help redeem us and vice versa. This was key because H often says these days, "I just want to be HAPPY". Pastor mentioned how his wife in past years has often basically been like a mirror, reflecting back to him his worst traits. In his treatment of her he can see his selfishness, bitterness, spite, etc..... That instinctively you want to blame that other person for your faults and your unhappiness. But he said for us all to remember that your spouse may be the one that helps you become the person you always wanted to be.....
Anyway it was a great sermon about how Marriage is a covenant between us, God, and the community. Not just a contract between two people like the world culture portrays it. Pastor even mentioned a low point when he and his W were fighting all the time and they thought "This is when people get divorced". And he said at that point that day they vowed to commit to never going through that again. So anyway it was the perfect sermon at the perfect time.
On the way home we stopped for groceries and H was grumbling about how I wrote out the list (he went in and I waited b/c of my foot). I got teary and said, "After a sermon like that, you come out and blame me for how long it takes you to get groceries?" Dumb I know but it hurt me.
A few minutes later in the car he said, "I did hear every word Pastor said. I am just so lost but I am really trying and I am sorry". And the whole time he said it he had reached over and was rubbing my arm.
So maybe there is light at the end of this tunnel. Or at least I have a better understanding of the darkness???
But neither of us has mentioned Separation since the MC appointment. I am going to try to just give him space to find himself but yet be loving and supportive in non-threatening ways if I can. I don't want it to be over and I am pretty sure now that he doesn't, either....
Pastor said that in this culture, Marriage is expected to provide "Happiness". In Christ, Marriage is expected to bring about "Holiness", as our spouses help redeem us and vice versa. This was key because H often says these days, "I just want to be HAPPY". Pastor mentioned how his wife in past years has often basically been like a mirror, reflecting back to him his worst traits. In his treatment of her he can see his selfishness, bitterness, spite, etc..... That instinctively you want to blame that other person for your faults and your unhappiness. But he said for us all to remember that your spouse may be the one that helps you become the person you always wanted to be.....
