on hold

[addie]

Oh Stella, I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.
I know exactly how you feel. I think the issue of OW is the toughest for me to handle. I've had a really tough week with very vivid images of H and OW. I also have had a rough time sleeping. Last night I slept fairly well because I had spoken to H a little earlier about S and I knew he wasn't with OW. The previous night he spent here on the couch because S was sick - again I was able to sleep because he definitely wasn't with OW. I'm having a really difficult time handling the infidelity.

Stella, I also have spoken to no one else about my sitch (except to the people on this board). A couple of people who haven't heard from me have emailed me wondering how I'm doing but I've been avoiding contact. I won't be able to do that much longer - my sister is coming for a visit in a couple of weeks and I'll have to let her know beforehand.

I don't know what to suggest to you. Have you tried talking to a C? Your H will contact you if you can hold out long enough. Does your D ever contact him? Try to hang in there - I know it's so difficult. Come on here and let out your feelings, do not hold it all in - this has helped me a lot.

[stella_k]

Thanks, Jen, Addie!

I'm much better now. I will hold out, no matter what. Just need a little time.

You know, I quit smoking a year ago, shortly before the Bomb (I was a heavy smoker for 20 years, would go through 2 packs a day). And I didn't start again.

Now I know that I can do anything:)

the OW really gets on my nerves though!

[addie]

Stella,
Thanks so much for that link on my thread. I found that analogy so enlightening.

Although you have been apart for a year, you've just recently found out about OW. Just as in my case, it takes time to deal with all the emotions of infidelity. It has to be one of the most painful things a spouse will ever go through. Hopefully in time, it won't hurt as much.

[stella_k]

H has called today. It has been the longest gap between phone calls ever, 10 days.

And he didn't sound good. An alien talk, once again!

This can only mean one thing: the OW is hard at work.

The more space I give him, the more he needs! Sometimes I think if I would go dark for a couple of months he'd have forgotten my name, LOL.

What am I doing wrong? I am so sick of it and so MAD at the moment, I really start to think I should let him ride off into sunset with the OW if that's what he wants so badly.

Any suggestions?

[W2G]

Hi Stella,

I believe a really great woman by the name of Stella posted a link about the OP being a dog.. Love the analogy... I like you have had the OW confirmed just recently and am having a difficult time with it too.. but I do thank you for posting that link on Addie's thread 'cause that's where I read it.. and it's something that I am trying to remind myself of every time my mind wanders to her!

I am not very good at the DBing.. so I never feel comfortable giving advise.. I'm more of a cheerleader. But if you are GAL and developing a wonderful PMA you're doing alright. I don't know if going dark would help all that much with him distancing himself more right now.

I'm sure someone with more confidence than me will give you some really good advice.

Take care, W2G

[addie]

Stella, read over the dog analogy - that's what I've been doing when I start to think about OW. If you have the book DR, in the infidelity chapter Michelle mentions a process called thought stopping where every time you find yourself thinking about OW picture a red stop sign - stop yourself from those thoughts and force yourself to think of something positive. It does take time for some of the pain to go away.
There's not much you can do when H is living that far away. Try to sound pleasant and positive, validate his feelings. Maybe in time he will start to come around.
Get involved in more activities to keep yourself busy.

What did H say when he called?

[stella_k]

thank you, W2G, you definitely cheered me up right now:)

Of course, I shouldn't give a single thought to the OW, unless I picture her on the leash...
I wish I would have written this post...

Addie, he didn't say anything:( small talk, that's it.

It is not the OW I'm worried about right now, it's that my H somehow is not responding to my DBing the way he should have... Instead of missing me, our D and our life together he is comfortably forgetting us!

May be I shouldn't go dark after all...

[JenInVen]

Stella, I'm reading your posts and trying to think of something you could try that would help. I can't come up with much I'm afraid however I agree with my fellow Canadians in that you shouldn't go dark. I think you shouldn't call him unless its very important but with the way he is going dark wouldn't help your sitch.

Sorry, I hope someone who has more experience in this DBing might be able to help more.

((((HUGS))))
Jen

[stella_k]

oh well,

I guess I need to regroup, rethink my strategy and try again!
Oh, yes, and re-read the DR!

Thanks, Jen,

and a ((((((hug))))))) right back to you:)

[addie]

Your H is making contact, not as much as you'd like but he is contacting you. This is a positive - a baby step, which is sometimes very easy to overlook. Making small talk is not necessarily a bad thing. He's not ready to talk about the R yet.
Try to act as if when he calls, end it by saying "have a great day/week" or "talk to you soon" in a cheerful voice. Who knows, maybe the time between calls may slowly start to decrease.
I don't know what else to suggest right now.