I think your last post can be summed up by the last paragraph.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
She is lucky to have you. You are lucky to have her. She showed you what a DAM you were and you "finally" listened. Maybe you can show her you are the Knight in Shining Armor she has been looking for. Maybe she will "finally" listen. I have said before "People only listen when they want to."
Something like I change my behaviour and she'll change hers.
However when W says things about the A like, "What's done is done, I have no regrets, Oh, just get over it Lan". Is that what I do, just get over it and leave it at that ? I know you say my quest for answers must stop, ok I can see your point. But you also say that in reading my post not much has changed, you can see the same circle of behaviour. Hey, I've been saying that since I've been posting in this section. How do I change things ? Well I know I do act differently cos things don't escalate, but how do I stop them starting from W in the first place, I can't control her behaviour.
All I know is I want things to work, I can see when there is trouble ahead and I can react to stop it. But I want to know how to prevent it in the first place. I don't want to go back to how things were.
I am glad things are moving to the right direction. Have you thought of discretely flirting with her?
I just had phone flirty call with W. She started off saying it's so nice to hear my voice on the phone (I called her) and then we started talking about her plans to decorate the house this summer and change all of the wallpaper, she's excited about all of this.
Anyway she asked me when I thought we should start stripping (the wallpaper), I replied we can start stripping as soon as we get into our bed room tonight. That made her laugh. Then I reminded her in a cryptic way about her previous plans for all of the rooms in the house. I said where did we go yesterday, she replied Christening. And what did you plan for us to do to each room, she thought for a while, I reminded her again of yesterdays event. Ohhh.... Christening, you mean christen every room. Yes I said, you promised when we bought the house we'd christen every room, up to now we've manage only our bedroom. Again she laughed. We said a bunch of other stuff but the call was friendly and light hearted and a little bit saucy.
You are getting bold here!! Good for you.I often think of myself in a sitch like yours, piecing our marriage together. I have this feeling all the time, that beyond all the rest (patience, committement etc. etc.) it would need some kind of "fresh air", or something to give us a boost, get us going, change our mood, a welcome challenge... A little something, a funny something, anything that would get us in a giggly mood every once in a while and make us feel it is worth the effort.
Could you think of anything that would do that for you? (if I sound crazy, it's because I AM NOT into piecing (yet)and I have no idea what to expect) (see how positive I sound these days?).
I didn't get any of you last post, you sounded a little crazy and was less understandable than Forrest at his best.
I think I can see W moving more in my direction, but at a much slower pace than I would like. I just want to dive straight in and talk R or head straight for the honey pot.(Naughty Lanzo). I think really for my piece of mind to get rid of the spectre of OM and say to myself yes she's truly mine again. W on the other hand is edging forward more slowly.
Today when we had our nice phone call W said tonight we retire to bed early and relax with the bedroom TV before lights out. When we managed to get D6 back to her own bed W asked me to massage her leg, (she has a thigh muscle problem). Well I massaged her leg for a good while, and this relaxed her to a point where she dozed off with a kind of pleasurable smile on her face. At this point I'd want to dive in for more, but I can now see this as W's way of edging forward, allowing me to touch more in small increments.
If I look back at how we were a few weeks ago it seemed W had a silent alarm which would go off at the slightest physical contact, now the state of alertness has been relaxed to allow some caressing but no journeys south of the border. So patience, patience, patience I can see the progress, I can feel the progress.
Piecing what's it all about ?, I haven't a clue. All I know is I'm over here and I'm moving forward.
Lan I just gotta say that sh*t made me laugh. I love it.
Kalni I see what you are saying. That moment when all is right. We all look for that. The hope. The validation. Yea it won't come. When we expect it or need it. Isn't that what our lives are all about?
When we were dating. Did we really care about what was coming? Most of us were. Our site was narrow. As it usually is.
The WAS can find that place again. The LBS can't. Hence ... Out of Sync.
To me.. In that time you would give anything to be with "it". Friends took 2nd place, Family took 2nd place. We all look for that right now!! We had it and gave it all away.
Time, Kids, OW/OM all thrown in there f's it all up.
We expect more. She/He should know. Questions is whether He/She really understood what we were saying. Or did we come across as Charlie Browns teacher? I will honestly say that I was tlaking Whaa Waa when I was talking. I still do it here. Do you think that IRL it does not come out 110% worse?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I've just read my last post back I didn't realise it that was funny.
Anyway back to my sitch I think I'm starting to get what you and Kalni are now saying, "Stop pushing W for answers cos she probably doesn't know any". If I'm honest I think W and I got to this point 2 years ago but I kept pushing for verbal reassurances and didn't get it, then I was pushing for physical reassurance and definitely didn't get it (re honey pot). So I withdrew from her and she went seeking attention else where, and the rest is history.
OK I'll make a dangerous assumption now but I have to do it to help piece the story together. I think W is showing her commitment in her own way with her actions. She is putting a big focus on quality time, the family, the 3 of us cos she doesn't know how to deal with us, the two of us, me and her and the A and all that went with it. I have to accept that for now, I just hope that I continue to deal with it.
So W and I are out of sync I can see it now, if that's the case I think I am going to have be the one to synchronise with her. Is that how it works ?
I knew it would be a bit difficult to understand me with the language and all but if you think I was less understandable than Forrest (BTW, Forrest I LOVE your posts. I meant to ask you a couple of times for some clarification but I was afraid you would get insulted), then I really need to explain myself.
All I am talking about, is try to find some little things that will bring some breaths of fresh air into your R. While you are dealing with the slow progress, you know what to expect and what not to pursue (watch that "border" line my friend, you don't want to get banned (sp?) for good), you are doing all the waiting and "manipulating" and hard working, try to add a little flavor(!). Anything that would make her laugh, be pleasantly surprised, daydreaming, ANYTHING... would do. Things that YOU (LAN) would love to do (other than christening for the time being) and you would be fun to be around with while doing them.
Am I making any sense here? Other than this I kind of agree with Forrest (to the extend that I understand what he is saying...).
Hi Lanzo, been following your sitch but this will be my first post to you. Let me recommend that while you cool your jets and follow your wife's lead on the physical stuff, get and read the book Good Husband, Great Marriage by Robert Mark Alter. Of the over 35 books that I have read in the past 3 years, this by far hits the nail on the head regarding specific instructions on how to be a great husband.
I just finished it and gave it to my H this past weekend because he kept asking me things like "how to you heal an old wound" and "what do you mean I don't cherish you?" This explains exactly what you need to do as a husband.
Keep up the good work!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
