You are such a good man. To be quite frank, your W does not deserve you. She may hit rock bottom some day and regret what she had with you or she may continue to blame all her life problems on you. That is not your concern. You dont want her to come back when she finds herself in a corner.
Your situation sucks, but I know it will get much better for you. I wish you the best in getting a fair deal in your D. You sound like a great father to me. Honesty is the way to go in life so as to maintain dignity for ones self.
BTW... Here is an update on the bike stealing doctor:
There is a couple I look at with admiration. The husband is a recovering alcoholic, and the wife has stood by him even during his bad phase. This guy had a bad childhood, his father used to beat him regularly, and that is no excuse but it is an explanation of sorts. he's a good guy, but got a raw deal, and then fell victim to the sauce. Anyway she is standing by him. It is nice to see. Did she deserve his behavior? No. But she's married, and is fulfilling her commitment. I love seeing that. How many other marriages are like this? Countless! It's just that we don't hear about them!
I meant to give you all an update. A friend of W and me, a college buddy, was in town recently. He was close with me but also very friendly with W in the college years. A good guy, eccentric, funny, smart. Anyway it has been 4 years since I saw him. He was in contact with W and actually stayed at my house while he was in town. I called his phone and he answered while walking through my house. (It's this kind of thing that makes me crazy).
Later he came out to lunch with me. We spent the afternoon just hanging out. He was shocked to hear what W had done, and with whom. Of course this buddy of ours knew the OM, too, we all were in college together. He said something I found very supportive - he told me, "I never liked him."
I was incredulous. What?!!? He explained, it wasn't that he disliked him, it was that he never really felt close to him. There was always something about him. He wasn't very trustworthy. It's the same way I felt about OM. It's the feeling I got when I heard he was stealing bicycles. The distaste for that kind of behavior. The slightly horrified feeling at his various escapades, like bringing drugs with him on an overseas flight for a family vacation, with 2 kids in tow. I heard a similar sentiment from several people when they heard the news. They never liked him. Why did we even hang out with him?, some asked me...
Anyway this friend of mine also expressed almost disbelief that W had done what she had done. First, gone to OM. Then, tried to take my kids from me. He told me the truth will all come out, someday. He hugged me.
It's funny because NOT ONE PERSON ever said the same thing about my wife. No one has said - you know, I never trusted her. Or you know, there was always something about her that made me not quite comfortable. Or, I never really liked her.
Everyone really liked her. She was a good person. She was honorable and beautiful and generous and forgiving and caring and conscientious and loving and strong. No one saw this coming, on her side. Everyone is dumbfounded.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
The OW my H is with is a "friend" from the past....he started with emailing, blah, blah, blah. When I talked to my H's best friend, he is also a good friend of mine,,,he too said, "I never liked her, she's always been sleezy", and his wife said the same thing...The OW made her way around our friends, yep, sleeping with them...she finally married, has 2 kids, and now is divorced, and sleeping with my H..a great girl she is....and yep, my H was funny, and everyone loved him..now they think he has screwed up.he even told them he wasn't looking for a fan club...he doesn't know all his close friends call me to see how I am...our friends are "our friends" that's what makes this difficult...H is out of his mind right now...and OW is poison.with big boobs..he'll find that out..I guess my H was the last of his friends she could sleep with...yuk...makes me sick to my stomach...some day...it will all make sense..
Treese
Last edited by Treese; 02/26/0812:38 AM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I spoke with a friend of W's today, asking her advice about some stuff in the future.
I sort of lovehate these conversations. The people I talk to are all supportive and offering sound advice. I agree with it all. But of course it presumes there is some rationality in the whole situation. "What you guys need to do is come to some agreement about where you will live, how much you will see the kids, and so on." I couldn't agree more, of course. But when there is no communication (protection order), there will be no agreeing. When one of us wants the other to have zero time with the kids, that is hard for me to agree with. So I feel "Validated" if that is the right word, when I speak to these people, but also frustrated that what seems to make sense to me, and to other people I talk to, is so out of reach.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
While the feedback we get can be good, it's hard to put into action for various reasons. In your case an order of protection in other cases it's spew and still others that there is no reasonable response.
I've found that if I can't move forward, it's break time and I go wandering off in a completely different direction. I'll come back to it and my frustration level is usually better.
Sir, I checked out your present stitch and I want to say first I'm sorry that your here but this is a good place to find. Secondly this will be rough and will get rough, just please don't let your wonderful attitude change. Your a damn good father and a good person. Don't give up Bro!! Ill say a prayer for you.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
Grace, your advice sounds simple and wise. Break time! a new direction. An oblique approach is called for!
Gman, thanks for the props! I'm pulling for you!
Today I had sort of a low day. It was sunny, but I did not exercise. Missed opportunity.
Last night I met a very attractive young mother. She was a knockout, and very personable. But married! But she has a friend, she says....
Tomorrow I see my kiddos. It is the day before my youngest daughter's birthday. I got her a cool fairy outfit - wings and a gauzy ballet skirt and a leotard and a crown. She'll love it! I have a couple hours with them, so I hope to go out for ice cream and presents. I'm not asking to "participate with W" on any bday stuff from now on. (It's sort of silly with me being retrained by a protection order.) The most recent bday was my son's - Dec 10th. He wanted us all to be together and so I honored his request. I sat at a table with my cheatin' wife. I knew she feels guilty about splitting the family, so I tried to assuage that. At that time I had more hope. It was only 2 weeks since the filing. But no more. I'm done with that approach.
My bday is coming up, too. I wonder what is in store for me? I have no expectations, or even hopes re: W's recognition of the day. I wonder if she will be gracious enough to remind my kids of the day? Either way I will not take it personally. W's brother's bday is coming up. I am thinking of surprising him with something good.
At the same time I am working on divorce filings. Lots of paperwork filing motions for temporary custody orders and financial orders. This is the rotten business of divorce. It always brings me down a bit to go through the wreckage of our life together like this. But I am looking forward to having a house again - a warm place to call my own, to make my own, to welcome my kids into. Heh, and a master bedroom to bring hotties to. . . ok, with that last part maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself.
I realize it may not be about the sex. I just find it funny (in a dark and twisted kind of way) b/c I was the one who always wanted sex, not him. Could be he needs to feel needed and appreciated in a way he didn't get here. He isn't a talker so he leaves you guessing (always has) as to what he needs or would like.
Oh, the Irony! Same thing with me. I wanted and enjoyed sex, she never initiated, and often declined. She always enjoyed it when we made love. We talked about it. I never understood why she didn't want to do it, more often.
I am no expert on the topic. There is a forum here for the sex-starved marriage, maybe there is good insight there. But, ... I've done some reading. The way I understand it now, the difference in desire can lead to or catalyze feelings of inadequacy. Which can lead to distance. Which opens the door to an affair.
In my wife's situation, I don't think the sex was fulfilling at all. In the early days, after I found out about it, she was forthcoming, she used to discuss it with me. This was before she developed her suspicion of me, and I felt she was being honest in those days. I was concerned about the risk of pregnancy. She told me "he never came." What?!? What kind of affair is that? She explained further that he couldn't keep it up. He didn't have staying power. How ugly a thought that was in my head. I kept thinking - why the hell would you want sex with a someone like that? (I never had such problems)
So it seemed to me it was not about the sex, for my alien. It was about the rebellion, the secrecy, the flouting of rules, the breaking of taboos.
For me, sex was never like that. Good sex was just good sex, pure and natural, an expression of love and intimacy between two adults. How silly of me!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I'm caught up w/ you and glad to know you have the kids at least a couple of set times a week. It is very obvious you are a wonderful, loving and caring father. Nice job on getting the "serious" morals talk in. My D and I had one of those when seh winged a little toy at me in the tub and hit me in the eye leaving a nice little bruise. You are always going to be a wonderful influence on your children as they grow to adults and well beyond.
I'm also glad to hear that ou were on the bike and the ankle is getting better. I stepped off a stair the wrong way when I was at Arlington Cemetary w/ the students in late January and my ankle was sore and purple for a good week. I hate getting old.
I also agree that the stress of the decision is taking a toll on both our W's. My W has been chronically sick throughout our relationship and marriage and I've stayed faithful and was always her support. I'm wondering how much OM will have to give to her when she's not as energetic or available as he'll want. She will continue to break down physically and I know OM is a man of little character, so I'm curious to see how long he's willing to wait or what he's willing to accept and swallow. My W will have more downs than ups by a long shot as that is her MO. Time will tell.
I too have heard that my W won't look to address ANYTHING until she hits rock bottom. I'm not sure what or when that will occur for my W, but I do know she's not liking her sitch now. She is very, very concerned about doing the parenting evaluation b/c she knows how it will end up -- we'll get 50/50 custody of D and she'll be forced to cooperate and compromise w/ me. She may also be wary of her medical history needing to be examined in this process as well, including her therapy notes. She'll lose her control and edge and it won't be too pretty for her.
Your W will be in the same boat as well very, very soon.
I'm glad you are noticing and being noticed by others as well. It is nice to know that your life isn't over and you are still attractive to the opposite sex. You'll know when and if it is right to start something new. You will make the best decision for you and your children.
You have shown to be a man of great character, so I have no doubts in where you'll end up in all this. I'm kind of looking at things in the same way -- not too much hope and wondering if I will ever be able to get past the saddness of it all as it is just such an unnecessary shame to have to endure this at all.
