Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Journaling,

I'm having a bit of a rough time detaching today. I guess H's cycling is starting to get to me. I guess I'm okay with the small cycles, when he's out of touch for a day and then back again, but when it's a major withdrawal, I really start to feel discouraged, that my M is dying and there is little hope and the best thing for me to do is walk away. But then, as my Mom says to me, what would you be doing differently if you did determine that your M was over? Again, it's a matter of state of mind.

I had a little cry last night as I was doing the dishes after I had put D to bed. I had just spend a wonderful day w/ D, gone to watch part of a feis (Irish dance competition), played soccer w/ D and the dog in the backyard (which I spent a couple of hours cleaning up, raking, pruning, etc.), made lasagne with D (she loves to cook), which was delicious, and then after supper I gave D a bath and after we pretended the power was out and read fairy stories by candlelight. I was struck by the thought that it was a really good day - it used to be the kind of day my H used to really enjoy. The kind of simple family day that used to be enough for him. Instead, yesterday he was 50 miles away (literally) with people I don't know doing I don't know what and it felt as though my D and I occupied no part of his attention at all. I feel forgotten, swept aside and unimportant. Hmm. Sounds familiar.

So perhaps I was overly optimistic when I thought that H might be in withdrawl - he's probably still in replay, or maybe back there for a reprise. Again, I have no idea whether or not OW is still in the picture. You know, I think this would be alot easier to take if I KNEW she was not an issue.

But then, H is not saying I'm the problem, that he never loved me, that he wants a D - he's not saying anything, and I'm not asking any questions. Last time I asked, about a month ago, he told me he wanted to be a family again. When I asked how we could do that, he said he didn't know. He gives me these long lingering kisses, touches my face and tells me he loves me (only on the phone, though). I know he still loves me, but...

He is still not working, though he sent me a text today saying he thinks he got the job he has been hoping for and he would call me when he knows for sure. This after not hearing anything from him at all yesterday. So a big part of his cycling and withdrawl must be part of his depression and anxiety about finding a job. He hasn't given me any child support (hasn't been able to) in months, and doesn't even ask about how I am managing financially and I am not about to tell him that I am barely keeping my head above water. I have a mortgage to cover, bills, groceries and my D's activities, all on just my salary, which, though it is pretty good, relatively speaking, is not enough and I am watching my debt load get bigger. I don't even know if he even thinks about it anymore.

So I guess as he cycles, I cycle in my own way. Each time he pulls away, I add a layer to the shield I have created to protect my emotional self, and detach a little more. Each time he comes closer, I peel off a layer. I keep reading the success stories to find something to keep me going, to keep me hopeful, but it is very difficult to keep that candle burning.

Just dumping some thoughts and feelings so that I can get back to the work of living my life. Thanks for reading and being there for me.

FA