Worried I found DB too late

[newnamenewlife]

CW,
I am in such a similar situation--H claims to recognize how great I am, yet still claims he no longer loves me the right way to stay married to me. What else do they need? I wish I knew. A sense of obligation to honor their commitment to a woman they were once in love with and who is the mother of their children would be a start.

I have been a freelancer for a long time and I also struggle with how I'd manage to get a job with benefits. I mentioned this minor detail to H and he just stared at me. Plus, my H is currently unemployed. It bugs me to no end that he talks about needing to separate from me to be "happy," yet when I tell him to just go, he says "go where? I have nowhere to go. I don't have a job."

So he expects me to let him live with me and share our bed when he refuses to say he loves me or work on our R, and I'm supposed to take that kind of rejection yet be sympathetic to the fact that he can't actually move out for other reasons? Grrrr.

I'm so sorry we're both in this place. I am struggling with the same stuff and don't really have advice for you--just empathy.

Hang in there--we have no choice!

[cw68]

And the roller coaster continues. Spoke with my husband today, he was all chipper and the usual. He asked me to stay for dinner on Weds when he comes. I told him that I can't just keep doing this and asked him, prefacing that I wasn't going to judge him but rather that I just needed to know, why on last Thursday he was OK with spending time together working on us and then he changed his mind and told me yesterday that he wasn't there. He responded that he was just defensive. So he's up for me staying for dinner and then watching a movie together after the kids go to bed.

This is all about baby steps, right? Two steps forward, one step back. AURGH!

[cw68]

Fish -- I am seeing a therapist and have been prescribed Ambien. But, being the only adult in the house, I can't take them when I'm here with the kids. I do get a good night sleep when I'm at the apartment. Regarding anti-depressants, I'm OK right now without them. Old fashioned perhaps, but life is full of ups and downs and I don't want to miss them. I realize that if the downs grab a hold of you and won't release that it's a different story, but then also wonder where the world would be without the Van Goughs, the Sylvia Plaths or the Mark Twains?

[sgctxok]

I haven't forgotten about you. It IS about baby steps. MOre in a bit.

[cw68]

So yesterday we made plans for me to stay for dinner and a movie on Weds when he comes to stay with the kids. Then I remembered that I had already made plans for Weds evening, told him I didn't know which one I'd cancel. He suggested that I go out on Weds and then stay for dinner on Thursday instead. Told him that I worked until 7pm, but I'd come by afterwards, hang with the kids a bit, put them to bed and then a movie. Felt good to choose to go out with others instead of staying here and that I had plans for the next night, too. One thing that my hubby really liked about me when we were dating was my cooking skills. We just got a new wall oven and part of it is convection. I'm surprising him with a roasted chicken when he comes tonight. I really want to use the new convection oven and see how well it works, that's the main reason. Yet also thought that it would be a nice touch, he walks into the house smelling wonderful and all homey, a yummy meal because of me but then I leave because I have a life. I get to cook but don't have to clean up! win win

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((cw68))))
You are catching on! Remember, no expectations, do things for you!

[cw68]

Oh my. Just totally slid back. H called. We got into a big R talk. Circles and circles again, nothing new. I knew it was wrong and I just couldn't stop. He doesn't know what he wants. This separation has given him space, which he really needed, but he's still so unclear. It has helped him understand just how huge it would be to break apart the family. Negatives include that he still sees D as a possibility to end some of his pain. I wish I could have stopped myself, but I just couldn't. I swear, this is the LAST time. I have to learn to just zip it! He says though he has physical desire for me, he just can't see himself ML to me.

The positives: He appreciates the fact that I have given him space and that it appears that I'm living with a bit more "zest for life," thanks DR. The door's not completely closed. He missed me at the dinner party last night, missed having me there for companionship.

Since the conversation was a stupid move anyway, I thought I'd just ask him about him reading the copy of DB that I marked up. He said that I didn't need to get a new copy for him. Specifically, I asked him if it was difficult to read things I had underlined and he said that sometimes it was, not so much the underlined parts, but the "exactly!" and "bingo" notations that I put in there and when I asked him if he agreed with any of them he said that he did. He's realized that people are pretty predictable. So, I need to remember this and follow the DB/DR principles!

[newnamenewlife]

It sounds like in this case it was a talk worth having, and it sounds like you have lots of reasons to be hopeful, CW! Missing you is a good, good sign! I wish my H would miss me. He seems not to at all, ever--but sees me only as a necessary evil he has to deal with lately.

Isn't showing one's spouse the DB/DR books kind of like a magician giving away his tricks? Won't he know you're acting "as if" or doing a 180 or GALing and see it as calculated? Just curious as to how both people can be in on it.

[cw68]

I think him reading DB is a good idea and hope it shows him that divorce usually doesn't solve your problems, rather it creates more. DR I'm not showing him, however.

[cw68]

Email from H this morning:

"I am glad you called last night to share the pain, rather than to have to deal with it yourself.

I need to be responsible/accountable for my actions, so as much as it hurt, it was good that you called to let me know what was going on. Also, I do still think of you as a friend/confidant though we are not together on a daily basis.

I'm going to try to sit and chat with {D6} on Wednesday and reiterate to her that she should always feel free to tell me what she is thinking/feeling."