On several occasions, he's acted like he thought I was going to hit him or hurt him in some way. One time, before I moved out, we were actually sorta joking around and i threw a pillow at his stomach while he was on the couch and he jumped off the couch, hands up defensively. H told me that even though he has hurt me he was not going to let me physically hurt him. I have no idea why he thinks/expects this.
Me and my BF had a very harmonious R, no anger or recriminations or fighting, yet he also expected me to be mad at him and hit him !! It must be guilt. However, in the case of your H, I know he was in Iraq right and he seems depressed, maybe I missed this on your thread, but does he have some kind of PTSD !? It wouldnt be unusual for someone to be jumpy after a posting like that? I think it sounds like you handled the lunch well and he doesnt come across as at all happy, quite the opposite! It must be hard for you to see him like that, as it is for me to see my BF so sad.
You make a good point. Yes, he has been very jumpy in general. His experiences there definitely contributed to that. He has a hard time relaxing, especially when he is around a lot of people. However, before the A, he was relaxed at home and around me most of the time. After, even if it was the two of us at home, he was much more on guard and jumpy. The difference, his guilt.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Wow, I haven't really seen this talked about anywhere else. I thought it was strange that my H thought I might hit him or even worse...I didn't realize other people were dealing with that too. I absolutely think it is the guilt. Weird that they would think we would get violent with them though.
Mine never thought I'd physically hurt him although he made weird references to deserving getting hurt (i.e. "it would serve me right if [XYZ bad thing] happened."
He definitely thought I was going to hurt him financially and become vindictive in that way.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
It's funny how they beat themselves up over what they've done. I guess it's further proof that we don't need to rub their noses in it, that they eventually realize what jerks they've been.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle- Your H has some many things going on in his head, issues he may have had before, issues from his deployment, maybe a QLC thrown in, etc., etc. You can try to understand, and analyze, but the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself! (Which I think you are doing a pretty good job of.) I don't think there is much you can do to help him right now. I think he needs help, but he isn't going to accect it from you. Getting more money into his pocket (and probably right back out) from the taxes should at least let him see that you are not the enemy, but it may well be soon forgotten. Keep doing what you are doing, keep giving space. In time, he may start to get through his problems, and find his way back.
Well, no word from H. Not that I'm terribly surprised. But I am disappointed as I need to sign the taxes and we need to figure out how we're splitting the money.
I made 2/3 of our reported income last year (he did make a bit in tips, so it's not QUITE as one-sided as all that, but it doesn't help that he didn't work after mid-September either), and we were separated for the last 5 months of the year so it doesn't seem quite fair to split it 50/50.
He said he'd call me...and considering how hot he was to get the tax refund you'd think it'd be higher on his priority list....but apparently not.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I expect that he will consider 50-50 to be perfectly fair. You should probably think about this ahead of time, and decide whether it's a battle you want to fight. It might help you avoid reacting poorly to be prepared.
