I am so confused, not sure what hand I am playing

[Snow White]

Good gosh; I hope you didn't get him any dinner??? What a BOOR!!!Puppy

I did, I know I shouldn't have but I am just so tired of fighting. I just want us to be happy again. (see definition of doormat)

Today the cell phone is off. I don't have to think about whether or not he is trying to contact me. He did call my work phone shortly after he got to work saying hey why did you wake me up I have no reason to be here, the other guy called in tired, then he said just joking, got to go.

He's probably genuinely interested, but then I can also almost guarantee you that he laughs to others (including OW) that he can simply text you anytime, and you respond to him.

I can see what you mean here, last night a number of the texts said I will be home in 20, be naked. Honestly someone needs to just shake me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's what some of us have been trying to do. Until you're ready to do some of the things already suggested tho, you're really wasting your time in asking for more opinions. Your husband is playing you.

Puppy

[Snow White]

You are 100% correct. I know I am doing this wrong. I am sorry for wasting anyone else's time. I am struggling, with making the decisions that need to be made because I am still very much in love, I am sure that my actions are actually hindering any progress.

The worst part of it is that I am fairly convinced a lot of what caused this to happen is that I am a successful, confident, attractive woman, and my husband has always had low self esteem. Well look where my esteem is now.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Neecy,

Read my post again. I didn't say you were wasting OUR time, I said you were wasting YOURS. I think you'll find loads of helpful people here, and you've already been given very good advice on this very thread. But you're not FOLLOWING it.

Until you establish some firm boundaries and stop allowing your husband to cake-eat, he's never going to change. All you can change is YOU, and how you RESPOND to HIM. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM.

Humans are "path-of-least-resistance" creatures. We do what we're allowed to do, and don't do the hard stuff unless we're made to. That is true of me, of you, and of your husband. Stop making this easy on him.

Puppy

[GoingForward]

neecy,

You are NOT wasting anyone's time. We are all here to help each other.

The choices are never easy, and everyone struggles with having to make them, worrying if they're making the right or wrong one. You're only human, and you'll backslide from time to time. We all do. Learn from the missteps and make notes of what doesn't work. Then try something different.

Think long and hard about what YOU want, and when you figure that out, work on a plan to get yourself there. Set some small, realistic goals before going for any bigger ones. Focus on you, and get your confidence back.

[Snow White]

Neecy,
I didn't say you were wasting OUR time, I said you were wasting YOURS. Puppy

I read what you said clearly and I didn't mean to insinuate that you felt you were wasting your time. I appreciate all the support. I was appologizing because I felt like that is what I was doing. After I read the DB book I thought I was doing a great job, but at that point any "intell" I was doing also showed that my H was following what I had asked. When it came to light that he was not following what i had asked, in a quick series of discoveries, day after day, that is when the wheels fell off the wagon. I read on another thread something you wrote about painting yourself into a corner.
I have made threats I have not backed up.

Maybe my threats were too large - like if this does not happen I am leaving. (well I actually did leave but then came back in 2 days only to discover him contacting her again) I wasn't packing my daughter up again 2 days later, she is struggling with this too, I need different methods to set my boundaries. And I guess that #1 is closing up shop on the lm. I mentioned before that this helped me feel close and that is why I continued. But as you have all mentioned I am only hurting the long term process. The month that the actual incident took place between my H and the ow he did not touch me once. I don't know if it was guilt, and if it was he seems to be living life guilt free now, maybe it is because i have allowed him that.

[Snow White]

neecy,

Think long and hard about what YOU want, and when you figure that out, work on a plan to get yourself there. Set some small, realistic goals before going for any bigger ones. Focus on you, and get your confidence back.

This doesn't seem like it should be as hard as it is. But everytime I try to come up with a sentance about what I want it involves something my H needs to do or not do. I know that I cannot change him or his decisions, but man have I tried!
I would like to be the mother to my daughter I have been in the past instead of the mess that I am today. I would like to be able to turn on the radio - I haven't done that in at least a month because every song gets me worked up. And as much as I appreciate the reponses on this board, I need to be able to get up and walk away, most of the day saturday I sat refreshing hoping someone would respond. Other people that feel like I do, or at the very least can empathize.

[GoingForward]

... everytime I try to come up with a sentance about what I want it involves something my H needs to do or not do. I know that I cannot change him or his decisions, but man have I tried!

You are absolutely correct! You cannot change H, so stop trying.

Goals that involve changes coming from your H are bigger goals. For now, I believe you ought to start with smaller, more realistic goals for yourself.

You already have a few.....

I would like to be the mother to my daughter I have been in the past instead of the mess that I am today..... I would like to be able to turn on the radio - I haven't done that in at least a month because every song gets me worked up...... And as much as I appreciate the reponses on this board, I need to be able to get up and walk away.....

It's a good start!

Now what actions can you take to implement them?

Other people that feel like I do, or at the very least can empathize.

We do empathize with you, neecy. We've all been in the same boat before. Some of us are still experiencing the crazy, raw emotions while others are further along in their sitches and have a (somewhat) better handle on themselves, though not one of us is perfect. It's never easy, but as time goes by, it does get easier.

So think about what you want. Set some boundaries, stick to them (no ifs, ands, or buts), detach, GAL, and work on YOU. Give yourself a very much needed break from H and all of his foolishness. Start focusing on you and making your way to those goals.

Now shoo! Get away from the computer!

[Snow White]

Ok while I did not verbalize my boundaries last night (maybe 1 night without r talk is ok) I did go over them a lot in my head. I did not respond to the 2 texts my h sent yesterday or call back when he called my cell because the home phone was busy. The 2nd text and the phone call was missed because the phone was in my purse not on my lap but it is still progress I think. I spent most of the time after I got home cuddling with my daughter on the couch(she is very needy and knows something is up) instead of on the computer, looking at phone bills, counting texts ect. When he got home he told me that apparantly everyone at work is cheating the company (he had seen stuff from other people before) because he got an fax today that said look at the work email then delete it right away and it was info about another ee. I said who sent you the fax, of course it was ow. He really thinks that it is ok that they remain friends at work. I said what part of you not talking to her anymore does this include? Don't you think it is odd he needs to tell me about the convos they have?

I was feeling sick, I am finally getting what everyone in my entire family and extended family has had. I and the rest of the family went to sleep at 7:30, I wore flannels instead of the prettier cotton pjs I've been wearing, I know the intial advice was be the greener grass but i think i've been inviting too much attention.

I noticed something last night, H brought his cell phone in the house and left it at the front door, he did this sunday morning too when he went for coffee he left it behind. This is odd for him as it was stuck to his side before. Not sure if this is a good sign or if it means there is another phone(it really is too bad i need to think this way)

I listened to the radio on the way to work today.

[Snow White]

2 things happened today i would like to think of as positive.

First I got a call from another office in my building asking if I could come by someones desk. Thinking they needed my help I went over, there was 3 women in the office and they just wanted to see me because they had heard how great I looked and wanted to check me out. Now today i actually took this as a compliment, up until now I have been getting hurt everytime because my immediate thought was yeah I look good so my husband cheated on me with someone twice my weight. Today I just said thanks and discussed with them the program I was on that they were interested in.

Second, I have been taking to a friend at work that is an EAP referral agent, I have been going over the sitch with her and she is not allowed input but just listens. I asked her today if she could set something up with our internal counsellor to discuss me (as opposed to just the M) and what i can be doing to make myself whole again.