Battlefield of the mind..part 2

[cat03]

we will be doing the paperwork with a mediator, no lawyer yet, just a formal separation agreement (there is no such thing as legal separation in my state).
Someone told me to have him pay for that, is that because he is the one who wants to separate? I did tell him I'd cooperate, so I'm sure he wants us to split the cost of the mediator. He actually asked me if I could say we've been separated for longer (4mths vs 1, specially since for the last months we were not really husband & wife), he wants to get it over sooner. I told him I'd think about it, that it wouldn't really change things since we are both going our own ways from now on and are filing the agreement, that I rather not and let things be.

Because of the many cc bills and the mortgage coming up (and the cell bills) we need to nail down stuff between today and wednesday, we both get paid Friday.
If I let my mind wonder about the past it hurts, but over all there isnt' that sickness in me anymore, the "what is he going to do/feel now?".

I have to look up quite a few things, he wants me to write down stuff about the cc cards, that we agree on 50/50, he's afraid I'm going to change my mind and rake him across the coals. I try to talk to him normally but I can't, my voice comes out all strained and that's why he is on edge. He's apologized several times about how he doesn't want me to hate him and how sorry he is I'm hurting. He tried to hug me this morn but my body couldn't do it, I backed up and told him not to touch me, all the little familiarities will just make me forget him harder.

thanks guys, needed to hear from you now