MLC came to my house...

[Sandyof5]

Ok guys answer this for me..if anyone can share/compare...

My H seems to have this "vendetta" against me...he seems to want to destroy me, financially, emotionally, just pure hate. I have do NOTHING but be patient, kind, loving and faithful. I"m in constant prayer for him. Have I done "digging" to find proof of OW? Yes I have been have done nothing with it except to confront him about a month or so ago with it ( not revealing my proof just telling him I did have it) he has been keeping his distance and also seeming to trash talk me more to others and basically sayng Im worthlesss and need to get a job and etc. I have been keeping myself very busy and throwing myself into GALing. Being best mom I can be etc etc..but his pure hate towards me is kinda "bringing me down". I have to keep grabbing myself by the scruff of the neck and pulling myself back up straight and tall. Its so tough when the man you love with all your heart who has been your protector and soul mate is now your arch enemy. I know its all part of the script...sigh...but really? Is it this bad for others? really this bad???? Like you guys who's H have come home/are coming home...did you honestly feel the HATE? Was it really that bad? I know they all detach and become distant and someone else..but hate to the point of wanting to destroy you? Is it because he sees me NOT floundering. NOT failing. NOT being "moved" by his actions that he is working even harder at "bringing me down"?

LOL ...well if thats the case..he has NO IDEA who his wife is now..he has NOOO idea of the strength I can have..he has NO idea whom I have become in these 5 months..and he has NOO idea of the power of prayer and what God can do...

I told my FIL yesterday I feel like little ole David with his sling shot standing and looking at Goliath and saying ( pretty much) "God stand behind me...this is waaay bigger than me...protect me..guide me and give me the strength I need to stand up to this giant Goliath"

....and he did....

[Treese]

I told my FIL yesterday I feel like little ole David with his sling shot standing and looking at Goliath and saying ( pretty much) "God stand behind me...this is waaay bigger than me...protect me..guide me and give me the strength I need to stand up to this giant Goliath"

....and he did....

Sandy,

You are one of the strongest people I've met.....even when I was texting you yesterday...you were so positive and that spills over on to us...read my thread, you'll see what happened...

I think your H is trying harder to bring you down because you're not budging...sad, yes but how else is he going to make himself feel better....if you tell him you're done then he can go tell his friends that he was right about you...Right now you are kind and loving and what friend is going to stand by HIM if you are so kind....does that make sense...I guess I should listen to myself sometimes...LOL!! I can give advice I just can't follow it myself....and your acting as if is awesome...I wish I could be so strong...

And I pray like you do but geez,,, is God listening...or maybe I'm not listening...hmmmmm...

Treese

[tpaschal]

Ok question....anyone else's darling midlifer tell them that "they didnt love them for 7 no 10 no wait 15 no no no wait I never loved you" and then I asked "what about the great anniversary cards and etc etc etc etc" to have him say " Oh I faked it" Sigh.

Anyone? Please tell me I'm not alone..I think Treese told me her H said this to her too?

Ohhh and he told me that since he left me a "black cloud" has been lifted from him...I was a black cloud? Huh? Black does happen to be my best color...had he said gray now THAT would have been a differant story...

Sandy,

Yes, my H has said these exact same things to me. And worse. Told me on the weekend of the "bomb" that he wished I would get breast cancer and die. Then a few months later I did have an abnormal mammogram and had to have a biopsy. I called him crying, told him he might get his wish after all. He was vaguely concerned and caring, from a distance, but never apologized for the incredibly hurtful and nasty remark.

And once when I told him (I know, bad DB'ing, but I hadn't discovered the books yet) that I really believed that this was a spiritual crisis and that Satan had a hand in the situation, but it was up to H whether or not he turned toward God or continued to let Satan take control, H told me that it was Satan that led him to me back when we were 18, and that he never should have married me.

And, yes, I've also heard the black cloud thing. He's gone from saying he was unhappy for a couple of years, to 5, to 10, and most recently to 14. Our oldest daughter is about to be 14. Your think she can't put two and two together, and figure out that her dad is saying he's been unhappy since she came along? Or course she can!

Nice, yes? And this was the guy who was so loving, so caring---brought me flowers "just because," rubbed my back, would trade food with me at a restaurant if my order was weird, etc., etc. He showed in hundreds of little ways how much he loved me and the kids.

Now he can't even be bothered to come over and check on the kids if they are sick or injured. (He is a doctor.) S9 fell on the backyard playfort this weekend, hit the ladder HARD, and I was afraid he might even have a cracked rib. I left 2 VM's for H, his mom talked to him once and asked him about it, and he told her he would call me. I took S9 to his game and he cheered on his teammates for the first 1/2. H finally showed up at halftime and checked him out, and S9 played for part of the 2nd 1/2 and was fine. H watched for 10 minutes and then left, without staying for the end of the game and without saying anything else to his son. <sigh>

Yes, my H also seems to have a vendetta. Or at least he swings back and forth between being Mr. Nasty and Mr. Sorta/Kinda-Nice-Guy-If-It-Suits-My-Purpose.

You know, it sounds like they must have a manual that they pass back and forth between themselves. The sections must have titles like:

How to be Hateful
Nasty Comments Sure to Wound
100 Ways to Hurt Her Feelings
101 Ways to Show You Don't Care
How to Make Your Spouse Angry Enough to Stop Standing
Pretend to Be Nice to Get What You Want

Seriously! I've heard the same comments over and over and over from so many different people on these boards, and from women I know in my area who have gone or are going through the same situation. It's uncanny!

Oh and I love my H dearly and miss him terribly ..the OLD guy he was not this new version. This new version sucks!!! ( can I say that?) Anywho...as much as I miss the guy and am counting the days till he comes back to us, I'm listing the POSITIVE things about having him gone..such as...

Less laundry.
None of his body hair all over bathrrom floor.
Toilet seat up/down is a non issue.
I have been able to clean out his old manuals that he will never use and has been holding onto forever. They are gone.

Of course I would trade all of these things in a heartbeat to have him back home,smiling, happy,loving and joking around.

Right there with you, Sandy, right there with you.

[tpaschal]

I've posted a question on my thread about whether or not I should let H stay at the house with the kids while I'm out of town this weekend.

I'd appreciate it if anyone who has a minute could check it out and give me their thoughts.

Thanks!

[brueniap]

Sandy,
Just to put your mind at ease - tho this wasn't the case with me - there have been countless cases on this board of husbands doing this same thing to their wives. BND had several years of hell that was unbelievable. Her H is now home. She's just one of many. I just wanted to chime in.........you're not alone....but it truly is hell to go thru what you are dealing with right now.

There are also some H's who haven't come home.........and the divorce went thru............and now they are admitting it was "them" all along - not their spouse.

Hang in there..........if you're truly bent on standing....you're in for one heck of a ride. Do not change what you've been doing..........you've been right on the mark. God will give you strength.

brue

[Sandyof5]

Tpaschal,

Thank you for your words..and if I may say I think your H just might get the prize for most cruel...I gasped outloud when I read the breast cancer remark. That is/was just horrid. Im so sorry you had to go through that. So sorry.

[tpaschal]

Sandy,

Well, not to excuse him in any way, but it was the day after the bomb, he was denying OW and I hadn't discovered proof yet though I strongly suspected, and he was filled with huge guilt and shame and rage (at himself and at me.) He used alcohol to self-medicate and was rip-roaringly drunk when he made the comment.

I'd love for you to read my thread sometime if you get a chance.

You know, sometimes I think there's a direct correlation between how wonderful they were before MLC to how nasty they become during MLC.

I'd also like to know how many of the hate-spewers ended up back home. It seems as though many of the H's who are reconnecting now are ones who did act out, and did have OW's, yes, but didn't vomit so much hatred and anger on to their LBS's. But maybe I just haven't been around long enough to know the whole story.....

Is their hope for my venting, spewing, vomiting, hate-filled MLC'er?

Inquiring minds want to know.

[Treese]

tpaschal;

OMG,, yep I got the 5,10,15, and most recently 23 years of unhappiness...that would be my whole marriage.. and he told it to my D21...yep, she's very smart, now hates her dad....he basically told her he didn't want them...wow....he's an idiot..

Yes, Sandy, I got the great mother's day card and journey necklace....I cried....it was the best mother's day ever..and I told him that...then a month later he didn't love me anymore...said, it was all a front...he's been lying to himself all these years...yep, a knife right to the heart....I don't believe him though...and let me know when you get that sex was becoming a chore...yep, got that one...but funny he didn't act like it was a chore...maybe he meant he had a whore.....yea, that's it...

Tpaschal; I got hurt last July, hit with a car door in the temple.. had a golf ball size knot on my head...very bad...called H to take me to Hosp...no answer..had to call my mom to take me and friends had to drive my car home..ended up in the emergency room for several hours by myself cause mom had to take care of my kids...everyone was trying to call H and he never answered..we even left messages..his response was, "see you can do it by yourself""...I was crushed...this is the man i loved for all these years and he couldn't help me but when he had an eye infection and had to go to the ER I was there just for moral support....MLC SUCKS!!!!

Remember; "the grass isn't greener on the other side, sometimes it's poison ivy"


Treese

[tpaschal]

tpaschal;

OMG,, yep I got the 5,10,15, and most recently 23 years of unhappiness...that would be my whole marriage.. and he told it to my D21...yep, she's very smart, now hates her dad....he basically told her he didn't want them...wow....he's an idiot..

I just think that SOMEDAY they will again want a relationship with their kids (I've seen it happen with a friend whose H did this 10 years ago), and in many cases, it is too late. The kids want nothing to do with them. I keep praying that my H will not be one of the stupid ones who waits that long, but I don't have much hope right now.

Yes, Sandy, I got the great mother's day card and journey necklace....I cried....it was the best mother's day ever..and I told him that...then a month later he didn't love me anymore...said, it was all a front...he's been lying to himself all these years...yep, a knife right to the heart....I don't believe him though...and let me know when you get that sex was becoming a chore...yep, got that one...but funny he didn't act like it was a chore...maybe he meant he had a whore.....yea, that's it...

Yep, been there, done that as well. I've never been hugely into jewelry, but H always enjoyed buying it for me, and surprising me with it. For my birthday in summer of 2003 he gave me a yesterday, today, tomorrow diamond pendant, for Mother's Day 2004 he bought me a big new wedding band set (I had lost the diamond out of my original engagement ring), and for our anniversary at Christmas 2005 he gave me a diamond circle eternity pendant. When I asked him why he had done all of those things if he had been so miserable all that time, he said, "Habit."

Sorry, dude. You don't spend that much time shopping around (together) for just the right ring and spend that much money and then drag me around by my hand to show it off to everyone out of "habit." I know he loved me and was genuinely proud of me (and yes, there was an element of boasting of how great he was by showing off the ring to everyone) but I also think it was because of genuine excitement that he was able to do this for me and it made us both happy.

All those things should help us realize even more that this IS some type of mental illness. At least IMHO.

Tpaschal; I got hurt last July, hit with a car door in the temple.. had a golf ball size knot on my head...very bad...called H to take me to Hosp...no answer..had to call my mom to take me and friends had to drive my car home..ended up in the emergency room for several hours by myself cause mom had to take care of my kids...everyone was trying to call H and he never answered..we even left messages..his response was, "see you can do it by yourself""...I was crushed...this is the man i loved for all these years and he couldn't help me but when he had an eye infection and had to go to the ER I was there just for moral support....MLC SUCKS!!!!


Treese

Treese, I am so sorry you were injured and had to go through that alone. I know how much it sucks. My H used to be the kind of guy who would have been in the room holding my hand during the biopsy if I had asked him to, and now he can't even stand to be in the same room with me? It hurts so much.

I hope you are completely recovered. I am so glad to have other women to share with who have gone through the same thing. Doesn't make the hurt go away, but maybe it lessens the load just a bit knowing that others are sharing the same burdens.

{{hugs to Treese and Sandy}}

[leahsbeau]

My husband told me last night that he's been looking for another partner for at least 10 years. . . that our coming together is only f**king

That's after he said we should never have gotten married, never really loved me with his whole heart, something was always missing, blah, blah, blah

He also told me that he was always happy in our marriage, that it's not me, that he always felt loved and supported, will always cherish the memories of our life together, that I'm an awesome wife and lover, that I deserve better,(he got that one right) blah, blah, blah. . .

So many inconsistencies. . . so much BS. . . he doesn't really know his a** from his elbow anymore and the scary thing is that I'm not sure I do either