They kind of did, though not really. . . they, at this point, think I should give up on him. They love him but think he's being a jerk and they don't want to see me hurt anymore.
It also sucks because he's very controlled so he can hold it together when he's with them and appears so freakin' sane. . . He was being very negative; nasty asides, never do anything right, etc, so much so that my daughter said within his hearing "Mom, why don't you quit trying. . .you're never going to be right." When he realized that the kids were hearing him be an [censored] he stopped being so nasty in front of them. So now he's all sweetness and light when they're around and they see him as Mr. Wonderful again. (maybe a slight exxageration)
He gets to come over and play tickle fingers and pass out cash and eat dinner and enjoy all the positives of our family without having to deal with the daily grunge and BS of it, The sibling arguements, the laundry, who's going to clean the litter box and do the dishes, and it's time to take a bath and do your homework and it's L's turn for the computer and we're all sick of watching Sabrina, the Teen-Age Witch
Hello fellow horse person. Are you an avid endurance rider or ocassional and that's why you do LD? what type of foot problems does Beau have?
Do you know your H's LL? do you know your LL?
It's not easy being the LBS. It is so very hard to stay patient and hold life and everything else together. It just isn't fair! You can't let that get under your skin when you have a chance to interact with your H. Lurking here and reading DR you already know that. Use the 24 hour rule. Use the 48 hour rule. Pretend you're on a 100 mile ride and can't talk to H until you cross the finish line. Get what I mean?
Find a different direction to vent and work off steam. It's been a long winter in the midwest. It's so easy to go stircrazy!
Let's hope for an early spring so we can get some saddle time!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Please listen to Enlighten. Don't ask those questions. It will make things worse. You cannot reason with an irrational person.
The man you were married to is dead and gone. The man you are trying to reason with now is a complete stranger.
Let him go. Drop the rope. Focus on the beauty inside of you. It's there. Cultivate it. And maybe someday when he realizes how beautiful you are, inside and out, he will not be able to resist. That's how you get him back. And if he's too far gone, that will be how you attract the love of another. By focusing on yourself, you have nothing to lose...everything to gain.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Hey everybody, after last weeks blow up I decided I needed a break. I feel I've been on a tightrope for the last year and a half, 60 feet up, in a very high wind with huge shards of glass on the the ground to break my fall. . . a huge amount of stress. So, after Sat night's blow up, Sunday's remorse, Monday's distance, H calls on the phone, all kinds of happy and talks like there's nothing wrong. He comes over and hangs out with the kids, is mildly pleasant to me, eats his dinner and heads out the door. I kept my composure but I figured I really need a break. I mean, 3 days before I think he would have pushed me down the steps! Not pretty. . .
I called him minutes later and told him that I really needed some seperation for awhile. . .a couple weeks of him not being around so much. . . I said that we were in an unnatural situation and I just needed some breathing room. I also said that this was my life that he CHOSE to walk away from and it wasn't fair that he got to waltz in and out of it whenever he wanted to while at the same time denying me access to his life.
He said that he wanted to be able to see the kids whenever he wanted and I said that I wanted that, too, but that for the next couple of weeks he needed to stay away a little more. I also told him that if he wanted to come for dinner a couple of times then that was fine but that I wanted to know when he was coming. I said that we could try it out for a couple weeks and see if it was working for him and for me and the kids.
He said he was willing to respect that for the time being.
This was on Tues. He calls me Wed, very hesitant, to "not" ask what we're doing for dinner. . .I said tacos. . . we hung up and because I'm WEAKKKKKK, I called him back a few minutes later and said that if he wanted to come to dinner we could use his help to push a bale in. He said he had already started something. Thurs he calls to see if he can come over and I said yes. Fri he calls me at work (my late night) and offers to make dinner. I said that the kids and I were eating out with friends but that if he wanted to make dinner Sat night that would be great. I again, in my weakness, called him back and told him that we would be home by 8:30 and if he wanted to stop by and see D we would be there. He said that he could do that now. I guess he did but the girls were already gone and my son and his friend were getting ready to take off to meet the rest of us. Anyway, he didn't show up after dinner. I didn't hear anything from him until Sat late afternoon when he calls to see if we have anything planned. I said that something would have to be done and he offered to make dinner. He came, he made and ate the he left. His Dad stayed to play Scat but he left.
Sun we grilled out for the first time in months and I invited him and his Dad for that. They both came and H sat at the table and finished up some tax stuff and was grumpy and grumbly about that. . .he's afraid we might have to pay this year.
Anyway, in closing I would like to say that I am totally clueless on how to progress from here. We had seemed to be making some progress over the last few months, but when we would have blow-ups or backslides they seemed to be more extreme each time. But the times in between would be a little more comfortable and a little more intimate.
I know the man is not out tomcatting around. He works, he goes to yoga and works out (where he has informed me that he is always on the lookout for a future partner. . .not someone he wants to just F**k, but a soul mate love of his life type of thing) and he spends time at our house. i know he still has some contact with EA, although the scuttlebutt is that she may have moved on to another victim which may be the reason for some of his grumpiness. . .
I just got the 5 Languages of Love book yesterday. I'm half way through it and it's been pretty eye-opening. I haven't figured out which language my husband speaks and I'm not at all sure which one I require.
H was working out last night when I went to run. He went into yoga and I left after my workout. H then called the house after his class was over and said he ordered a pizza and did I want him to bring it over. The kids and I had planned a breakfast-dinner but told him to bring it over and we'd do the other the next night.
When he's there he isn't especially friendly, he doesn't initiate conversation with me, he does with the kids. . .
We've have taken so many steps back I'm not sure how we'll ever be able to get back to our once previous level of dysfunction (refer to original post)
I totally understand...my H is doing the same thing with coming and going in the house as he pleases..making himself something to eat..although it's hard at times, I wanted H to feel that he has a safe place to come...
I agree with you totally on the everyday stuff with the kids, job, baths, sports, etc...yep I do it all also...at times I really feel like throwing in the towel then I remember my goal...
My H too is so "sane" when everyone else is around and yep it makes you feel like you're the one going crazy....H shovels out money, takes the kids to do fun things (when he comes around), plays cards w/son, etc.....then just leaves like nothing is wrong...he has NO responsibility right now...but he is losing...my D21 wants nothing to do with him...she came in to town yesterday on spring break and H called Son and wanted to talk to D...well, she was sooooo snippy with him...I"m sure he is afraid of seeing her face to face...he had told her when he left 5 weeks ago that he would call her more often now...well, you guessed it...he hasn't called her yet...until last night..D21 says she doesn't want to see him...can't blame her and she is an adult...she can make her own decisions...the rest of us though had a good night..we laughed and had fun....H misses out...
I dont' know how he felt after she basically blew him off on the phone but my guess is he felt like crap....her boyfriend comes from a divorced family and he hasn't talked to his dad in 10+ years...
Well, that's it...wanted you to know you're not alone....and maybe we might be married to the same man.....
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
My fear is that he'll turn into a "good time Dad" and they'll look to him for the fun stuff and I'll be left with all the tough stuff. I know that they're smarter than that but he's always been such a hands on Dad that this new way of interacting just cheapens their relationship. I know, it's not my problem but. . .
Feeling kind of uneasy tonight, like trouble's a-brewing. For 3 days H has wanted to be here for dinner but tonight there was no sight and no sound from him. Even the kids hadn't heard from him.
Started to worry a little cause H's bedtime is usually around 8:30 and at the time neither he or his father were home. H has been worried about his blood pressure, he works construction, wrapped around a tree, G-Pa had a stroke, etc. . . anything to get myself good and worried. . . made myself not call but was outside when I saw H finally pull in to his Dad's. His Dad pulled in right after him, then 15 minutes later his sister pulls in to her house and a few minutes after that her husband came home. Way out of character for any of them to be out that late on a work night.
Of course, I put 2 and 2 together and have no idea what I get. . . except fairly paranoid.
