Yup, so far so good! Your sitch is the textbook example of how the tune can change dramatically and quickly. I can remember not too long ago when you saw no light anywhere, she was taking you down! Everything she said pointed to THE END. Yet, now things have taken an amazing turn, it's a hopeful story for all of us out here who see no future in our R. Change can happen! It reminds me of a quote that said "People don't resist change, they resist being changed". We all have to stick to our knitting and let the changes happen without forcing them. There may actually be a tomorrow . Great job, fish!
I don't think the fish is out of the pond yet but what a story. He still has a lot of work to do but is executing better than the Giants Defense. Great work Fish.
BT, you are correct, we have a long way to go. This stuff can turn on you real quick if you let your DB guard down. I will continue to do what is working and avoid what is not working. I am also setting goals for our new relationship. We have taken a few HUGE steps forward, I am going to give W a lot of space right now to let things sink in. Putting pressure on her will set me back big time. I must continue to let her pursue me.
Right now I am just laying low, doing my own thing and letting her drive the bus. I am keeping myself very busy. I told W that I was going to the golf show today, having dinner with my family and then playing cards with the boys tonight. She sees that I am a VERY different person. I have my own life and I no longer feel a need to control her. Today I look at W as my girlfriend, not my wife. That seems to be working.
Right now my goal is to make the 3 day weekend happen. If we get there, that will be another major step forward. Not today, but a few weeks from now.
Who knows what the future holds, but right now things are good. Looking forward to calling the lawyer tomorrow and letting him know that the divorce is on hold and we are working on our marriage. Amazing!
One last thing... I have been very tempted to call W tonight and "check in." Not going to do it! I will let her make the next move. 10 minutes after I left the hotel today she called me to thank me for a great time and that she will call to plan our week together and lock down our 3 day weekend.
Got your email... thanks! So for the fans, now Fish and I make two that have navigated to this point from where we have all been. Does not mean that either of us are out of the woods, but I think there is hope in our stories. I am not sure there are enough success stories on this board but now you have 2!!!
FISH - nothing changes for you from here, at least not yet. I can promise you that there will be moments of doubt, stress, and fear from both of you. I can also tell you from my experience that you will have moments where you are angry at her for the experience that you have just been through. I have been able to deal with my anger at my wife by looking at the entire experience as a growth thing. We both needed some time out to change our direction and focus in our lives. We were roommates not partners and I think that our expetations of each other had really changed without either of us communicating those expectations. So when they were not met... well next thing you know she has OM and I am out of the house...
Back home now, but still working hard everyday. You need to remember that too, this takes a lot of work and a lot of patience. She has already pulled the trigger once, and may not be as reluctant the next time that she feels like your Marriage is missing the mark and unfulfilling for her. So, it is up to both of you to make sure that you communicate those things that are causing a rift in your partnership!!!
Fish this is great news, look back at my posts, you had send a message ot me in December about how you were done and I was in a place that you would never be. My next post to you: Never give up - it can turn without you realizing it, once you accept the situation.
Do the good work my friend, and tone it down. Get yourself home!!! My final piece of advice for today is run to Barnes and Nobel and buy Gottman's 7 Signs of a Successful Marriage (or something like that) our MC has suggested that she and I read it and do the exercises and this has been very helpful for us. We have really changed how we communicate and how we extend our expectations. I can tell you that my marriage is happier than it has ever been and the love and support between us is something that we have never felt. I am seeing wonderful growth in my boys and my family as a whole.
I will tell you that this seperation saved my marriage, my sanity, and me!!! So I know that there are some out there that say seperations are very bad and do great damage to the M that is very hard to overcome. In my case, and it sounds like in Fish's, it may have been the bext thing for us.
Good luck my friend, and all of you hanging on the hope that Fish has provided. I pray that you too will have this breakthrough with your spouses!
BTW - we are taking a big step next week as a family by accepting our first foster Bloodhound puppy that will be trained for Search and Rescue work. Something that we are very excited to do as a family!
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Congrads!!! you guys are my hero's and have worked really hard. I wish I was where you guys are. I am so far away and it does not feel like things are getting better. I have the time and patience but man this is hard and she has to be willing to move toward me also. I have moved tremendously in her direction but she doesn't seem to be moving toward me and I don't think she will until she comes out of this fog.
I am also backsliding and being drawn into her trap. I have to be very careful. She says she dosn't have the feeling and may not get it back. That really hurts but i try not to show it. i told her this morning that I felt really bad for her and the way she was feeling and the decisions she is making and I am her friend and here to help. I told her it must really hurt and be very painful inside and I am here for her.
Thanks! I am not sure if this will help you or not, but drawing her toward you is not really the key right now! I think, like I was told and have told Fish for months, right now you need to create a safe space for your relationship to foster - if it will. You also need to understand why this happened and seek opportunities to change what you can. In addition, and I have said this so many times... you must accept the worst and prepare for the best.
I hope that you find some hope in our collective stories! I will tell you that after the way that I had treated my wife and marriage it is nothing less than a miracle that I made it this far with her. So I am living proof that even the worst situation can have a positive outcome...
Good luck.
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Just re-read your sitch. Sounds like it has the makings of a real success story and I know those are truly few and far between. Thanks for your kind words and good luck to you.
Me: 37, engineer, former Marine Her: 33, HS dropout, retail sales Kids: 3 Daughters 11,9,3 2 Dogs Seperated since Jun07
Broken Tree, I don't want to hi-jack this thread so I'll be brief. Sometimes when we tell them "I will be your friend" blah blah blah we set ourselves up as some kind of saint. Our S's don't need our forgiveness, our kindness, our friendship because it becomes something else they owe us. I agree with Hound, create space and be a good person but don't do extras that might draw wrath rather than praise. If I do something for my W, I don't tell her e.g. take the garbage out when I pick up the kids, fix the computer (more for the kids than her btw!). I do what I do for me, to stay the person I want to be. Hope this helps and now back to our regular programing
. Great job, fish!