Well someone tell me, is this man confused or what? In my last post, H told me he didn't want to be intimate with me because he felt he was betraying himself and OW. Then next day I decide to have a drink, started talking nonsense about everything, by the way not really drunk or anything just wanted to see his reaction, although I was a little tipsy, I am not a big drinker, 2 drinks and I'm good for the night, anyway by 6 that evening he joins me , just to get a buzz. So by 8:30 p.m. were in bed doing what he says he can't do. This goes on the rest of weekend. Calling me babe treating me like he used to, like his wife, flirting, holding my hand hugging me tight.
This after he tells me Thursday night that he has chosen her over me and just wants for me to let him go, no more rollercoaster ride of emotions for me, doesn't want to do that to me anymore. By the way he said he told OW it was over just before Valentines Day told her he wanted to try again with me, I am sure he told her he changed his mind again before he came home this weekend, thats why the speech to me.
So here I am more confused more than ever, and apparently him too.
Some input pleassssse, I think I'm going crazy.
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
I think you're allowing him to "cake-eat." You deserve better than to be his "bootie call."
I think he needs to make a decision, and you need to be less available to him and to work on yourself. Since he is with OW, I pray that you are using condoms when you are with him sexually? Please be careful.
No, you are not crazy, and yes, your H is confused. I agree with Puppy in that your H is cake-eating.
Here's a quote from Dr. Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends":
"The worst solution is a stable triangle. When involved partners stay on an eternal fence, ultimatums given by the spouse or lover move them from one side to the other. They cajole, seduce, and deceive both partners in order to have their cake and eat it too. The spouse and the lover help to maintain the stable triangle by making compromises and accepting whatever crumbs are thrown their way."
It is up to you, gsr, as to what you will and will not tolerate in your R. Everyone has boundaries. What are yours?
If you are ok with letting your H continue his A, then so be it. Do not focus on the A. Focus on you. Detach, GAL, and make the necessary changes in YOU that need to be made. Be the person your H fell in love with, if not better than that.
If you are not ok with the A, then you must establish your boundaries, make your H aware of what they are, and above all, as hard as it will be, you MUST stick to them. If you don't take your own limits seriously, then how can you expect your H to? It's a surefire way to becoming a doormat.
Explain that you are not trying to control him. You are not giving him ultimatums, although that is how he could possibly perceive them. Let H know that these are simply your own personal limits, boundaries, dealbreakers.
Take care of you.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I know, give me 1000 lashes, I just don't want to lose my H. But how do you compete with something fresh and new? MLC is killing me. You and Puppy are so right, I know what I have to do, its just doing it. I know I have to set boundaries for my own sanity. He became so detached by the time he finally told me about A, but he's changed in this last few weeks it's like he sees what he is actually giving up but yet still wants what he wants, so yes I know I need to stop letting him do this to me. I had told him before I was not willing to share and he understood, but chose her, but under the circumstances can't just up and leave, financially and for the fact the kids have no idea whats going on right now and would be shocked and destroyed by actions of their dad.
Thanks for setting me straight, probably should read that book it may help me see things more clearly.
Thanks GF, gsr1
Last edited by gsr1; 02/26/0802:42 PM.
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
I am one of those fence-sitters, though trust me, we'd rather have clarity than dine on cake. I am of the firm belief that if the cheating H has a reservoir in his heart for you, and if he could find it, that you two have a chance, and actually you have the advantage over the AP. My issue is that I am convinced that I have never been in love with my W, and that my indiscretion was 2 parts Exit, and one part true Love for the first time (with the AP). The prognosis is not good for me, but that doesn't mean that it can't work for you. Good luck, and continue to be your best self - the you he did fall in love with. After all, if he does ditch, that's who'll you want to b e anyway.
My issue is that I am convinced that I have never been in love with my W, and that my indiscretion was 2 parts Exit, and one part true Love for the first time (with the AP).
Are you sure that this isn't merely the well-publicized "rewriting of marital history"? Have you written love notes/letters/cards to your wife, pre-affair? If "yes," were your words sincere at the time?
Just curious, since it's a physiological fact that affairs awash your brain in endorphines that skew reality.
unfortunately, i did not write such letters pre-affair. my demeanor was that of a hard-working unromantic partner, who cowered and appeased. my W has always been very supportive, if not a little dissapointed in my lack of affection and gestures of love. the A brought out a poet. W and I tried to reconcile starting in November, but I am not the same person with W as I am with AP - that much is very clear to me. I hear you on the rewriting of marital history bit, but I'm unable to convince myself otherwise than that my joy has been the kids, and not W. I simply cannot muster the same feelings in order to be able to express Love and Caring for W that I can for AP - the A has been going on for 10 months, and I've called it off twice only to crawl back for oxygen.
