Do you think your H was at all freaked out at becoming a grandfather? I know that that can be a big step for some people. Although it is great to welcome the next generation it also means that everyone else moves 'up' a notch and that can be quite frightening and make one re-evaluate as well.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
He had a hard time at 40 and the year before he turned 50 he was in complete denial. He played it off like it was a big joke but he was disturbed.
What I really think it over the last few years he just slowly sank into a slow moving, downward spiraling depression. . . not toxic, just negative and destructive. Colored his whole world. His Dad, his best friend, everyone who knows him notices a change in his attitude and his behavior. Dark and moody, pessimistic and negative, half empty kind of guy. 180 in his perspective on things.
The whole grandfather thing. . . after the baby became a year and a half old, my son found out she wasn't even his biological child! So, not only has our once brilliant, enviable family become a poster child for family dysfunction but we have also lost our only granddaughter and it is probably too late for our son to pick up his college ball career
Everyone, except my H, is totally devastated by the loss.
2007 was a horribly sucky year. . .really hoping 2008 is better
Not sure how much more loss our family can handle.
He says he wants to "love someone with his whole heart." and although he will always love me, blah, blah, blah. . . He also says he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, that there are places in his life that are no longer any of my business. . .
Sounds just like my wife's script. There must be a training program for these people. And it must be very effective, because they all say the same things.
I took those lessons and learned and found myself and my happiness from within. And I stopped looking for him to fulfill all my needs.
Can you tap into that strength again? I'll bet you can. You sound like a very together woman.
...now we're getting close to the time when we'll have time to do all the stuff we planned on doing. . .
Oh...don't I know that feeling. You know what? I thought I had it wired. We got the last kid off on his own. We had my military pension. We were getting settled after a life of moving around. And just when I thought we could start to have some fun, she went off the deep end and I lost her. Instead of DBing and GALing and 180ing and reading a thousand self-help books and generally working my butt off to try and save our marriage, we could be traveling, and having fun, and enjoying our lives and each other. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her for robbing us of that...of that precious time. I think I'm more bitter about that than anything else. And that bitterness has really helped me detach from the pain.
Why is this ethereal being elevated above me and why is she going to reap the benefits to all of my hard work and sacrifices?
When he looks at you he has to be strong enough to face his life and himself. But he is weak right now. He can't do it. She knows little or nothing about him, so he doesn't have to face his fears with her. And she is weak too. A strong woman would tell him that he has a wife and family and she's not that kind of person.
Wah, , ,I'm being a big, fat baby and getting a little tired of hearing myself whine!
You're not whining. This is one of the most painful things that anyone can experience in their life.
Hang in there, Leah. You sound really strong...a good wife and mother. None of us deserve this, we didn't ask for it, and it's not our fault. It's totally unfair. But there's nothing we can do about it but be strong and patient. Unfortunately, we have to be the strong ones.
Try to do something for yourself this evening. You deserve it.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
This "soul mate" exists only is his head right now.
The MOW is not really a viable possibility. She's rich, older, married and is NOT going to leave her husband to begin a life with someone who is all tangled up in emotional baggage and is no where near being financially solvent. I think she just got a charge out of being attractive to a younger man. I do think he is still emotionally attached to her, though. I don't know to what extent they were involved, whether it was physical or not. Christ, I can just imagine them mooning over each other. She's a nationally recognized poet and oh so sensitive and articulate. yikes!
He did say he was looking everywhere and anywhere for her. I believe yoga is where he's really concentrating his energies. He started working out since this whole mess started a year and a half ago. He goes to yoga 2 or 3 times a week, as well as to a cardio kick box class, and runs and does weights.
I've been working out for 20 years and it was like pulling teeth to get him to join me in anything, unless it was special and fun like the Hilly Hundred bike tour years ago, or an Endurance ride in North Carolina. I prepared and arranged everything and he reaps the benefits of all my planning and hard work.
I guess I'm sounding a little bitter now. I guess my resentment from doing it all for so many years is coming up to bite me in the ass now, just when I really need to be patient and forgiving.
well, I've been grazing these boards for about a year now, and seem to have found my age appropriate (or at least length of marriage appropriate) group. I am amazed at the uncanny similarities between Leah, Bomb, etc and my own history.
Married for 27 years, three great kids, just about the bottom of the ninth with the mortgage paid, last kid off to school, now time for us. Then the rules changed.
EA/PA? began 12/06. Her friend confirmed affair 1/07. MC (of sorts-really a venting expedition on Rostov). WAW tells me on the phone while I was in San Fran on business in 2/07 that she wanted to move out for the summer, moved out in summer '07 without telling me where, told me in 10/07 on the phone while I was in Europe on business that she wanted a D. The further away I was the worse the information. Now living in the same house in different rooms. Clearly active PA going on.
D action started (by me) after unsuccessful DB'ing for about 10 months. Still find myself trying techniques subconsciously. So why do we want them back? Interesting question. But I would.
Anyway, I really am here to say thanks to all of you who helped me get through this time. I do believe in the right circumstances there is hope for the technique, and more than anything, that time helps. So hang in there. I do believe that GAL and detachment remain an asset to me now.
I do need to detach. . . a huge problem for a fixer and control freak.
All these years I had to control everything because he wouldn't and now I have no say in what happens to our marriage. I think it was Michelle who said "divorce is not a democracy." He gets to decide what kind of involvement I have in his life. He gets to make all the rules that only he knows, then he throws a change up on me, and then a frickin' curve ball. I'm trying to be a player but can't get a hit anywhere. . .although sometimes I get a walk. . .
Detach, get a life, establish boundaries, etc. Been doing this for a year and every once in a while I see a glimmer of light, then bonk, a new kick, a new twist, and I wonder just what the hell I'm holding on for.
My kids, my friends, my family, almost everyone says move on. . . and I have to wonder if they're right. I don't want to give up on him, on us, I have always placed so much faith and trust in him. I have always LIKED him better than anyone. His sense of fairness, his integrity, his love and friendship were the things I held onto when we struggled, and when you're together for 25 years and have 4 children, work nights, with no money and no time there's a lot of struggles. I can't believe that after surviving so much together that this trite and textbook case of MLC is what is going to put an end to what was once a healthy and thriving partnership.
Sometimes I feel so damned cliche and am truly embarrassed to be in this position.
My question to him tonight was, "If you can't dig deep and find the love you don't deny you felt for me for 25 years and at least make an attempt to ressurect it and after everything that we have been to each other; best friends, passionate lovers, helpmates, support system, teammates,and after everything we have created and built. . . If you're not capable of loving me again, then what in the hell makes you think that you'll ever be able to love ANYONE for any length of time. And what exactly makes you think that there is anyone or anything else out there that will give you anywhere near the love and acceptance you admit feeling in our marriage?"
His response has been "I'll probably die a lonely old man."
I don't want this in my life. I don't want the forced intimacy of new step family members. I want my children to know their aunts and uncle, to see the family resemblance and to share the family stories that are passed from one generation to another. I want our family holiday traditions to continue without having to stop and explain to new family members what we're doing and why. To have to spend a holiday alone because it's not my turn. To not be the parent who never has quite enough while the good-time daddy gets to pass out the cash for gas, new shoes, movies, etc.
Asking him questions will be making him feel pressure and will drive him away....if it doesn't work, stop doing it and try something different.
I know it's a hard thing to do when it seems as though your life is falling apart, but it's really important to stop going down thee cheeseless tunnels too....
L.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I guess I need to re-read everything again and again. . .
Part of it is I'm just so danged tired of being the only one fighting for us and I'm really tired of getting kicked down. . . I feel for him, I really do, he seems so unhappy sometimes but I've been taking hits now for too long and I'm just about wore out.
When is he going to get it? And if I give up on us, I'm afraid we'll both lose. . . I want someone to just shake him. . . no one will stop and say "D, you're making a huge f*uckin mistake! Get your sh*t together before it's too late!"
No one has said that to him. Oh, they'll say it to me and to each other, but not to him.
