All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Kim07]

Dis,

Sorry to interrupt, but could you tell me what does you're H teach? I'm a self-employed swim instructor, even tho i'm an independent contractor at an athletic club, I still have to create my own leads,,,very difficult in these times in the states, where there is no job security in this line of work. Even tho i'm very good at what I do, it is a constant stresser to pay bills and such when going it alone w/no support from my H.

BTW,,i've been going at this for quite awhile, separated and all. Nothing came to light for my H until I truly "LET GO" of my H and had him served w/'D' papers in OCT 07. Suprizingly enough at that time, I had little contact w/him except for kid issues & I made tm's upbeat, short & to the point b/c I had already lost interest in him! What I did for a long time was, to be 'kind' as a friend when he contacted me but if he brought up the R/M talk I made a point to let him know, at the same time, that altho I appreciated the good times we had 'my life was going in a different, positive direction now,,BY MYSELF & W/O HIM IN IT and its' time to move on. I had graciously accepted defeat and moved on knowing that the only thing I could ever change was myself and to concentrate on me!! I got so use to being by myself for almost 5yrs in this house that now, if H comes over for more than 1 day I need space afterwards,,,weird but good. I now have the self-esteem I needed to deal w/H,,I know I can live my life w/o him & be happy b/c i'ved lived it. If I had lived w/him during this time of self discovery, i'd have absolutely NO self-esteem and no courage to stand up for myself and believe in myself that I could achieve anything I wanted to in MY life! I would have never guessed that this would be happening to me but w/the help of my friends on these boards and Micheles' books & guidance I was able to detach and see it for what it was from an outsiders' POV.

NOW the tables are turned,,,He begs and pleads to stop the Legal separation/Divorce, do whatever it takes to save our M. H reads DB & DR w/NO direction from me!

Whats' unexpected is the fact that b/c of where we live he set-up the MC sessions & hes' the one paying for us to go see Michele Weiner-Davis. Shes' excellent of course but not cheap. We are on our 10th appt. w/her. I know we are all different, but what my H has done for me lately: Set-up date nights, took me to exclusive restaurant for Valentines' day night, sent me flowers, sent me 3 cards, set up a trip for us to go to Vegas, V-day wknd, (we had a blast-no kids & no expectations!), bowling, sports games w/the kids, out to eat as a family, staying over at my house and making breakfast for us all (maybe 5 times)when I wanted to sleep in and now the kicker,,a 10 day trip to France during one of his work Expos' w/o the kids. I had told him that I so much appreciated all these wonderful things and his effort but we would not be cancelling the court date b/c of it,,he said 'I know we have to set perameters for our sep. but could we just delay it for 6wks?' So under my lawyer & Micheles' guidance I said 'yes'.

It can happen girl,,,BUT YOU'VE GOT TO 'LET GO' & GAL FOR YOU NOT HIM! When you truly let go is when its' most likely to happen. You can do it even if you feel you don't have the patience,,look at me,,,Michele said that this is not typical of a couple sep. for so long, she was shocked that he came to her(her words) for help at all!

Hope all goes well,
Kim

I hope some of this works for you?!!