Maybe just let him be goofy. I know it hurts you because you want him to be home, want him to want you but maybe he is not ready. So, more dBing for you. I'm sorry.
don't make the mistake I mad. I pushed my wife - when she said "I want to love you", I just about flipped my lid. This was before I read the DR book. I was like, "what do you mean, you want to love me? What about the 13 years of marriage the 4 kids, the giant house I just signed my life away on?" All of which sounded perfectly rational to me, but... well it didn't bring her any closer to me.
About your D13 - I spoke to my counselor about the kids. One of the insights she offered me is that kids NEED to talk about this stuff - it is unhealthy not to. On the other hand they don't know how to do it, how to start a conversation, how to voice their feelings. The bad part is not the feelings, the bad part is keeping them inside and letting them fester and mutate into something destructive. so anyway my counselor suggested I start the conversation, at the right time, at the right moment of course. And do it gently, with something like, "If I were you I might be feeling confused. I don't know, maybe I'd be feeling worried. Maybe I'd feel a little nervous. Maybe unhappy. Maybe I wouldn't know what I was feeling. (maybe pause here, look for agreement?) Maybe you're not sure what is going to happen. And you know, I don't know exactly how you feel, but I want to tell you that I love you, and I'm sorry things are like this. I wish it wasn't like this."
And then (here is a surprise) the counselor told me, the thing kids worry about are the day-to-day things - like, will I still go to the same school? Will I keep my friends? Will I have to move? Will I have to give up my room? Basically, kids of a certain age just want stability and normalcy. So as much as you can, re-assure them that you'll try to keep it normal for them.
fwiw.
best to you Grace.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
