Up and down we go, where it stops, nobody knows

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks RTL.
It doesn't make it stink any less, but sometimes it just feels better to know that other people are going through what you are going through. So thanks.


My ankle felt pretty ok this morning. It looks ugly, purple, but it works ok. I actually considered going for another run this morning, but then I guess my "old guy" conscience said, "what, are you nuts?" and so I didn't. But I could've. Maybe tomorrow. It looks worse than it is. Weird, my knee on the opposite side hurts more than my ankle, and I don't remember injuring the knee.

Whatever, I won't let it slow me down. Maybe I'll ride the bike tomorrow.

I see my wife twice a week during kid exchange, but because of the protection order, I am not permitted to communicate with her at all. I may not speak to her during the exchange, and I am not even permitted to get out of the car, according to the arrangement we have. (If this sounds like pretty heavy protection, I agree. If you are concluding that I am a dangerous guy and I need to be restrained, that's not right. She doesn't agree though. wacky.) I am also proscribed from calling her or emailing her about any other business. I cannot even send her a text to ask her to have the kids swimsuits packed, so we can go to the pool. It's the stupidest thing I ever heard of.

Anyway I don't talk with her during the exchange, and I also do not look her in the eye. I avoid her glance. I look at my kids, kiss/hug for them. Then I drive away. but I stole a glance today. She looks terrible.

I don't know how else to put it.

She looks as if she has aged 10 years.
I don't believe I am imagining this.
Maybe I am. Don't think so.

I gotta believe your W is also feeling the pressure. I don't "feel good" about this - seeing my wife this way. I don't feel vindicated. Ok, maybe a little, but it's a hollow feeling. It doesn't make it any better. I am only hoping that eventually the pressure she is putting on herself will get to her.

I have spoken to a bunch of experts in the field. One is a former head of psychiatry at the largest hospital in my (major) metro area. A Heavy Hitter, you would say. Anyway, he and all the other experts all say the same thing - they don't "snap out of it" unless and until they hit rock bottom. Until they hit bottom they will not change. What is the bottom?

It is certainly not, in my wife's case, continuing to live in the big house, continuing to plan her days of leisure, volunteering, massages, etc. Continuing to dictate the terms under which the children and I live. All that will change. I don't want her to suffer but ... yes, reality. Reality wouldn't be so bad.