I Guess to clarify. I am not really saying to stand there with the massage oil but to kinda think about what it used to be like and what the OM was bringing to the table.
She said "We are starting over in marriage to see if we can make it" Thats not really true. And yet it is. From our perspective she is saying "I want you to forget everything I did". Then she is also saying "I am gonna remember everything you did"
This is where the frustrating talks come from. I would bet at times you feel like you are doing everything. Remember that when the tables were turned she felt like she was doing everything. We are all wrong in that situation. You pushing for the talks is the same as her nagging you about the clothes on the floor or the wet towel in the hamper. You being hung up on WHY? is not gonna help you. She very well may not know why. Why were you distant back in the day? Can you really answer that? Explain it to me in a way that will make it better for me that you did those things.
She was wrong to do what she did. She knows that. I doubt she woke up and said I am gonna find me a man. F Lan. She did what she did, you did what you did out of sheer frustration and seeing no other option. She wants you to start over, But she wants the things that are comfortable/good for her to stay the same. Does that make sense?
Your in a place that you want to be. Yes eventually you will have to get closure on it all. Why do you have to have it right now? I don't know why we want it right now but we do, remember we are in the same place. I know what you are going thru. I can see what she is going thru.
Go over in the newcomer section and read Littlebitlost's email to her husband. Read that as if that was your wife writing to you. Lilbit had her switch flipped and can see what she did and now wants it all back. Eventually it will happen with our respective spouses. Hopefully. It is all timing. You, Me and our wives are all out of phase right now.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Go over in the newcomer section and read Littlebitlost's email to her husband. Read that as if that was your wife writing to you. Lilbit had her switch flipped and can see what she did and now wants it all back. Eventually it will happen with our respective spouses.
I think that this is the kind of awakening I'm hoping my W to have, but I wouldn't need to recieve such a long email. All I'd want W to do is to say sorry, or even acknowledge that shes done wrong. At the moment her attitude is what's done is done, I have no regrets, oh just get over it Lan (That hurts).
To answer another one of your points, I don't need closure now (it would help me) but we will need closure eventually if we are to sucessfully move on from all of this.
How are you? I know you are staying away from the pc but when you have time give us a short update...
BTW, did you ever get that book I was suggesting? If, yes, did you read it?
Take care Kalni
PS. I am glad Forrest clarified a bit his original post because I was lost. But I do understand what he is talking about now. And it makes sense to me.
Here's my update, I'm a bit bored, frustrated & confused, but apart from that I'm fine.
Boredom comes from the fact that things are calm at home, no real drama or crisis to have to react to. W and I have fallen into a status quo, we do family things together, we are openly affectionate to each, strangely no ILY yet, but generally the atmosphere is good. W doesn't like me being on the computer as much but I am on this board every day in the newcomers section. I don't post on any new situations mainly cos I don't have as much time there as before, but I am keeping up to date with everyone.
I did get that book you recommended, but I've not started reading it yet.
Frustrated cos I see old patterns of behaviour developing from W and if it wasn't for DB I would react like the old Lan and we'd be back to square one. Example, I threw out an old bit of ice cream from the freezer that W wanted to give D6. When W saw that it was gone she launched into a tirade about me throwing away good food which was brought with her money, then she stormed out of the kitchen. Rather than try to reason with her I left things as they were and went to bed early without her. Next morning W accuses me of going to bed early in a mood and leaving her alone. I pointed out to her that she was the one in a mood, so I thought I'd let things cool off rather than chase further discussion. Then I asked here if she thought getting into a rage about something so trivial was being helpful to our sitch. She replied no it wasn't, but her shouting at me made her feel better. Grrr... can you feel my frustration.
Confused, Saturday morning (very early though) I snuggled up to W for some comfort hoping it would lead to some intimacy, W tells me to get off, " It's the weekend she needs some sleep". WTF, I thought weekend was the time to try something. So come to Sunday morning I thought I'd leave W alone but D6 comes into our room very early to wake me up, she's hungry and wants breakfast. As I go to get up W locks her legs around mine and doesn't want me to go, she wants me to stay and snuggle up to her, WTF is going on in her head, I'm confused.
Sunday evening we as a family went to a christening party which was very good. Oh, at the party W and I had a discussion about my shirts, W always buys me shirts cos she wants me to look good. I told W that before I never understood or appreciated why she would buy me new shits, but I did now. W asked was it because I had been going out lately and saw how smart other people were. I just said no, I understood and appreciate what she was doing for me. She had a quizzical look on her face, I was going to try to explain about LL and heartfelt gifts, but I thought I'd save it for another time.
When we got home from the christening we put D6 to bed then we tried to watch the remainder of the Saturday night movie in bed but we both started dosing. At lights out I asked W for some form of intimacy before we went to sleep, but she didn't say yes or no. She just feel asleep and left me to my own devices. This again is another form of old behaviour. Things are going well with us so I ask for more, but W won't say No, cos there's no valid reason to refuse, but she won't say yes, or she wont participate, she just hopes I get frustrated and go away. Grrr....sorry this should be part of the frustration section.
See all of this is why I want to start some serious talks with W about "us", but as Forrest said earlier she already knows I want to talk R but probably wants to forget about a lot of things and carry on as if nothing serious has happened. I can go with the flow for now, but soon W and I need to talk R.
So much stuff to intake at one time. To many thought comes out jumbled.
My take on the WAS is they feel justified in what they do. I can see the point. From their perspective there was no other option. Or to put it another way he/she made me do it. Littlebit was a WAW. Her spouse DB'd she now wants it all back. She says she has learned so much about herself and understands it all but if you sit down and read what she says she has still not quite got it. That over the top/"needy" person that comes out here at times has to show up IRL with 10 times the intensity. That is exactly the person that Walked Away. I would be scared as hell of it to. My wife hates it when she sees me posting here. So I try and jam as much in when I can. The night I posted to you I had read LittleBit's stitch and it was all I could think about. I may have been a little off. I think it showed.
What kind of closure are you looking for? I mean she could say she was sorry. Or she was retarded. Or she just wanted things her way. How does that make it clear in your mind and what "changes" in you that makes it all better? The DB'ing is about getting back to "who you were". That thing that made you "the man". So many things have happened and so much "life" has gone on that you can't be that person. You are stuck in "cheeseless tunnels".
What do you have to loose by just giving in? Isn't that what it is all about. F closure. That little voice has told you what has happened. You know it all. Why are you waiting on someone else to make it right. Simple analogy. You find a house. It is everything you ever wanted. It has some small flaws that kinda nag at you. The bathroom is all black. This really bothers you but you "love" this house. It is the one you have dreamed of. It has a detached garage with heat/AC, Cable, A bed room with a shower and the floor of the garage is autographed with every NASCAR driver up to 2006. And then it was clear coated. When it comes time to sign that contract is the black bathroom really gonna stop you? Truth be told the investment you made when you got married pales in comparison to that. You know you can fix it. You know it will take time/effort he** maybe some sweat and blood. There will definitely be some cussing involved to.
You can fix this stuff. Just like you can fix whats going on with "crazy bi**h". Stop trying to figure out why. It really doesn't matter and may not ever make sense. I know it is frustrating. I know it drives you crazy. I know you drive to work pissed off. She has done all of the above. She has a different approach than you and me. The effort. The hurt. The distance. Are all the same.
Remember.. you made her do it. You caused it.
You were doing the same things. She made you do it. She caused it. You just never got to the point of giving up.
She is lucky to have you. You are lucky to have her. She showed you what a DAM you were and you "finally" listened. Maybe you can show her you are the Knight in Shining Armor she has been looking for. Maybe she will "finally" listen. I have said before "People only listen when they want to."
You posted. You got my vote.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Unless I'm not seeing the forrest for the trees, I think this means Lan's DAMan! Looks like being calmly assertive when W lets fly gets results (I rememeber "Waste of space"). And Lan I hope you get that passport soon to travel South of the border ;-)
