Battlefield of the mind..part 2

[cat03]

Ok folks, its over, truly it is. He wants to separate permanently. We briefly talked today and he tells me all these years he never really felt right with me, feels he made a mistake by marrying me, that when I got pregnant (got prego 6mths after our engagement) he realized we were incompatible due to the constant arguments we had, that he didnt'feel he should marry me but his mom made him believe he had to, that all his life he has forced himself to do what it was right. He brought up again this one bad argument we had right before we married, where I told him (i don't even remember what it was about)that I didn't see myself marrying him. I was being a drama queen, dont' know what problems we were having at the time, but it was one argument and he always brings it up.

I asked him if he loved me, and what about all those times we had together that were good, the ILYUs, our lovemaking, all the gestures and stuff he'd get me. He said he's realized he is good at making himself and others feel something he isnt' really feeling, he was trying to make it real but he really wasn't all there in his heart.
Now, I know what you are going to say, that this is MLC talk, I dont' think it is, and even if it is it comes after all that crap hes' put me through. I also reminded him of his depression, but he said he actually felt right now, good even, at saying he was not happy with me, that depression or not he is just not happy here and wants to be alone. That he just can' keep stringing me along like he did all this time, that he sees all the hurt he's caused to me and to ow because he wanted to make believe he cared for me/her. I asked her what about he 2nd child we planned, why have her then? he said he felt we were not doing well and thought that a second child would fix things. That really infuriated me, had I knew his reasons for a 2nd child i would've refused to have it, that I remember when we were tryign to conceive, we were doing ok--he said he was just hiding his unhappiness.

So, all in all, he's pretty much telling me our M was a lie. I dont' think he's that good of an actor and he did say we had our good moments, but this is it. I'm done, I dont' want to harbor any more hope, he's tell me he doesn't want to be here, that we are and were incompatible and wants to move on.

Please dont' tell me to not give up or not to loose hope, I have fought too hard to be told our entire M was a lie and he pretty much never really loved me. MLC talk or not he firmly believes it and I wont' sit around hoping he perhaps changes his mind, I have never seen him so sure of himself. He was pleasant when he came at the beginning, was good w/the kids, talked about how much he cares for them and doesn't want me to hate him.
We talked briefly about our assets, we have lots to divide (bills, cc) but over all we agreed I'll stay in the house w/kids until they both graduate, that we wont have a long court battle and that we both will reach agreements with a mediator. Sure I could get him for all he is worth about the adultery, I have proof and he knows it, but I won't do it, I don't want to spread hate. That's why I will also not tell my family all the gruesome details, might not even tell them about ow at all, it will just make things harder and will make them suffer.

We'll be splitting our finances by the end of these weeks, he wants us to keep going to counceling for the children, and he'll take his huge cc bill with him.

I dont' want to harbor hope, I have done it for 3years and I think this is the time to step down, I've fought to the bitter end and now I just want to get it over with. Poor little s9 asked H today when he'll be back, that's whats going to break my heart, sitting down at some point with H and tell him its over, I'll prob hate H for that one for a while.

I count my blessings and know it can be worse, I know a few folks in the separated forum with Ss who drag the kids across teh state, who subject them to terrible environments and are forced to move. I'm either still in shocked or perhaps having already faced the certainty of S back in December I've already grieved. I'm not expecting to be this peaceful all the time and I"m sure there will be grief ahead, but I'm not alone and know God will never forsake me and will lead my children and I to greener pastures.