Finding my way out of the dark

[mishka422]

I do believe I am ready for this. Dinner on Friday night and the talk afterward really put me in a good place emotionally. I really do feel that God is moving in my life right now and softening my H's heart and mind although I also see H fighting it tooth and nail.

In church this morning I had written a prayer request for my H's salvation. I prayed that God would turn his eyes toward Him and open his heart to His word. I actually FELT the spirit this morning. The Spirit of peace, the serenity I have been seeking swept over me in the most powerful way I have ever experienced. I am spiritually and emotionally prepared for the battle of my and for my life now. Truly. I wrote that request before the sermon started so I could put it in the offering basket. Our pastor began the sermon speaking about ministering in the community but the need to minister within our own families first. He said to think of the three people in your life who are lost and that you want desperately to join you in eternity and write their initials inside the fly leaf in the front of your bible. Pray over their names every day and every night and every time you think of them throughout the day. Imagine, just what I was thinking of before he ever started speaking and this is what his sermon was on. God never loses an opportunity does He?

I am working my way through my codependency on my H and that is making me so much stronger. It is not damaging my love for him, only making me see the damage he has done to me with his own problems. I certainly do not approve of what he is doing but I will accept him as a friend always. I want him to feel comfortable enough to talk to me about anything at any time. I hope I can convey that in a way that is non-threatening to him.

I know that I can not accept anything less that his full love. In that, I mean that he will have to come to me not only saying he wants to come home, but that he wants to come home because he loves me, wants me, and wants to grow old with me. I realized that his saying he wanted to come home but was afraid that he would screw up and then not have anywhere to go after that was not only a self-fullfilling prophecy but it also was all about him and did not say how he felt about me. There was no straight out "I Love You." or "I'm willing to work hard to put our marriage back together." I can not have him back unless he knows that I am what he wants, not just the comfort of home. I want to be his place of comfort but I'm not his mother, I'm his wife and deserve to be treated as such. He will have to get healthy before he can decide that. I won't say any of this to him of course but I will listen for the queues.