Frank, I agree w/ FIB...I like your C. Mine just kept telling that I would know when enough was enough. As I told FIB on his thread, TRUST in yourself and your beliefs!
FIB - great post. Frank the chapter I was refering to was your W being at home chuntering on about things rather than actually getting on and doing something about the situation.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
FIB - great post. Frank the chapter I was refering to was your W being at home chuntering on about things rather than actually getting on and doing something about the situation.
ok, thanks for the clarification Saffie.
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Saturday W went off to do some massages and was 'cheery'. Before she left she said she had some in the morning, then a break, then some in the afternoon. She said she 'should be able to come home in between'. When she left she said 'see you later alligator'.
As I posted earlier this week, we were supposed to talk to D12 about the divorce on Saturday as I had insisted to W that she not have to go to school the next day and we be around for her if she had questions or felt unsafe. She is a sensitive soul and I want her to know we are both there for her.
Well, W never came home until 6 pm. She also didn't call to say she had more massages or something which she would usually do if she wasn't going to be home at a specific time that she had previously committed to. Of course I'm thinking that she had a secret meet up with someone of course. Yeah, can't help myself.
Well, she came home and her best friend 'P' is visiting overnight again (reminder: P is 40ish, never been in a relationship, not good looking at all, pleasant enough but as my D17 descried her 'a teenager in a grown up body')
So, they had a 'movie night' with D17 also hanging out with them and W had a glass of wine, which is unusual for her so something was stressing her out. Whenever she saw me she would give me a smile that was more than just 'friendly', and I smiled back.
But, we didn't talk. When 'P' is around she is tight with her. It's kind of sickening actually.
Needless to say, we didn't talk to D12 and W hasn't brought it up. So I don't know what's up there yet.
I spent some time last night talking with a friend and journaling about the girlfriend I had before I met W. We didn't stay together for a lot of reasons and there were some attributes about her, and our relationship that keep coming up in my mind lately. Mostly it was this: She was not someone who was afraid to tell me what she was thinking, and when I was in a 'down' emotional place, or otherwise needing some support she was PROACTIVE and would DO things to get us both moving. We never went through anything like the stuff I've been through in the past 10 years that knocked me way down, but the thing is I know that if we had she wouldn't have just sat there waiting for me to fix it. She wouldn't have just 'gave me space' to figure things out.
I guess what I'm saying is that I realize what was missing from my marriage was an equal partner. I know that I've always been aware of my W's personality but I've loved her and done the best I can to be there for her. But it hasn't been a two way street. Yes she loved me, but the emotional weaknesses dragged me down farther when I was already down.
Now I know better, and I know to get support elsewhere. I also know that when she leaves I'll be fine because other than the empty place in my heart, there isn't much else I'm losing since the person she is right now doesn't really support me.
I know I can't 'go back' and change decisions I've made, can't go back to old relationships. But it sure hurts to look at the past 20 years and see that it was somewhat crippled for a long time and we really never had a chance because we didn't know what I know now. And I can't explain that to W and convince her to wake up and do the real work.
So, I'm clear on everything now. It hurts to see my W break up our family but since she's not going to really see what has happened, and what should be done to make it work, then this is the way it will go. I'm trying not to dislike her but she HAS run away 3 times now and each time she's come back she hasn't done anything significant to make it work.
I did some things but wasn't really ready to take the risk of holding her accountable for her part because of the fear that she would run away again. Big mistake. Now we're both accountable.
what do you have that she wants to come back to? whining and snivelling like a freaking girl. grow some balls and get back into the game. you are equally to blame for her shortcomings. do you really ever follow through on the promises you have made to your wife?thread after thread of whining and venting and grumbling and moaning. poor me poor me. your wife wasn't alone in breaking up your family. its just more of the same. its time for you to do the real work and carry the burden of the family for a while and stop snivelling about it. it all depends how badly you want to save your marriage, maybe you oughta stop trying to save everyone elses and concentrate on your own. what is it they say physician heal thyself.
what do you have that she wants to come back to? whining and snivelling like a freaking girl. grow some balls and get back into the game. you are equally to blame for her shortcomings. do you really ever follow through on the promises you have made to your wife?thread after thread of whining and venting and grumbling and moaning. poor me poor me. your wife wasn't alone in breaking up your family. its just more of the same. its time for you to do the real work and carry the burden of the family for a while and stop snivelling about it. it all depends how badly you want to save your marriage, maybe you oughta stop trying to save everyone elses and concentrate on your own. what is it they say physician heal thyself.
I'm sorry you have so much anger in you that you have to give it to me. Perhaps you might take a moment to think about what your post has to do with your own situation? Because it's not about me, I'm not whining and I'm doing what I can to 'heal myself'.
I also 'supported' the family through a PA / divorce threat 2 years ago and here it is again because I didn't take care of myself. So, perhaps if you took the time to know me you'd understand the purpose behind my posts.
What are you doing to heal yourself? Why are you so angry?
"I know I can't 'go back' and change decisions I've made, can't go back to old relationships. But it sure hurts to look at the past 20 years and see that it was somewhat crippled for a long time and we really never had a chance because we didn't know what I know now. And I can't explain that to W and convince her to wake up and do the real work.
So, I'm clear on everything now. It hurts to see my W break up our family but since she's not going to really see what has happened, and what should be done to make it work, then this is the way it will go. I'm trying not to dislike her but she HAS run away 3 times now and each time she's come back she hasn't done anything significant to make it work.
I did some things but wasn't really ready to take the risk of holding her accountable for her part because of the fear that she would run away again. Big mistake. Now we're both accountable. "
You aren't in need of 'manning up'....you haven't been 'whining'. What you .... and your wife are in need of are more 'skills' and tools.
Last edited by sgctxok; 02/24/0810:06 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
i am not angry i just dont have the patience to pussyfoot around people anymore. my methods may infuriate so many here but i have something to offer Frank. the bottom line is this do you want to save your marriage?or are you done? no and ifs or buts, just answer the question. if you are done then fine, if you still hold out for hope then it is time to put on your big boy panties and step up to the plate. you are far too passive in your approach and this damned deep analysis of every thing you do is going to knock you for a ride to toontown. a woman wants a man. check out all of the chick flicks. officer and a gentleman, kate and leopold, gladiator, and so many others. what do those men offer the women in their lives? they are the protectors, they listen, their lives are all about their women, not their psychobabble issues or their own problems. in this day and age men seem to have become so in touch with their feelings that they have forgotten what women want.
