First, I hope you aren't beating yourself for backsliding. I find that time period between the filing and the D (a year) was the hardest for me...it is very, very emotional.
As to your last post, I think they aleady believe they are 100% right and that we are the devil, so sometimes validating takes them by surprise. As to whether or not they ever return the validation, my guess is that is way down the road. I don't see it ever, ever happening in my case. For one thing, it would require XH to bring up a relationship talk, and that hasn't happened yet in 21 years!
So all I know to advise is to keep GAL, figure out what makes you happy, and try to do it.
I think I have reached that point also. This whole year I have been in C with two different Cs. One male, one female. I decided I wanted two view points. The female also saw my H for awhile and us as a couple for a month or so. Without rewriting my marriage, it is pretty clear that my H has been this way (all about me) for a long time. Basically unless he has his way all the time he feels trapped or controlled. He seems to have an inability to see others. He gets that other's behavior effects him, but refuses to believe his behavior effects others. He think they are just controlling him if they express any objection to his behavior.
It is really hard to deal with. After a while in my marriage I began to question this with him. Basically saying I felt my feelings didn't seem to matter when it came to decisions about time or money or whatever. He told me in no uncertain terms, I could do things with him he wanted to do or go it alone as he was not interested in anything I wanted to do.
He wasn't like this when we were first together. It was a slow a gradual process. Through out that time I did go along. But it became harder and harder to do. So I am thinking I may need a different solution here. One of sticking up for myself, but in a way that is not blaming or hurtful to others. When I do validate him I end up in the same place..him saying see it was all your fault.
He is not ready to see your point of view and he may not for awhile. That doesn't mean that you don't have one, just that right now it means nothing to him.
Step back from his fire and don't let his sparks hit you.
In your marriage when he was expressing that "it's his way or no way" was it the beginning of his MLC?
My H was the same way and it seem to come on in dribbles and drabs. This is when I began to lose "myself"
I see that now but I didn't then.
Now that he is full blown MLC and you stick up for yourself you are only going to end up in a verbal back and forth.Solving nothing.
If you validate him and he still blames it on you then just listen to him.Let him finish and say " you know what, I have to let this soak in, can you let me think about this and we can talk later"
Let it st for 24 hours,( call it my 24 hr rule) and then come back with defending youself in a nonaccusitory way.
"H, I was thinking about what you said and I know you feel this way but sometimes I feel like that, can we just meet halfway for a solution?" If he still says his way or....
"I'm sorry you feel that way, and I appreciate your opinion but but I choose.... "
If he gets angry let it roll off your back and leave the room. He can't argue if he has no audience.
Hope this helps
E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
When I do validate him I end up in the same place..him saying see it was all your fault.
Hmmm. I have always wondered if the validating didn't work a lot better in "ordinary" troubled marriages, where the MLC lunacy wasn't part of the picture. In my case, I couldn't say, since XH never told me how he felt. He would tell me what he thought, but not his feelings, he couldn't access them, it seems. And I believe it is feelings that we are supposed to be validating, not their "judgments" of us.
Anyway, I don't see being a glutton for punishment. Maybe you could just say thank you for sharing your perspective with me, and leave it at that.
This is hard on the best days. Hang in there, we'll all worth the effort of getting better.
Thanks E, yes it does help. I think it may be true that the worst part was the beginning of the MLC, but the behavior is old. It's like living with a 5 year old. After a while even my son made fun of him, which was not nice. At first I would take my son aside and tell him I did not think his behavior was very respectful, but after a while I thought, this is not my job, my H should stand up to his son and demand respect for himself. He never did. He would actually whine and complain. I have to say (in the words of the DB couch) there is nothing attractive about a 53 year old man that acts like a child. My son finally outgrew his Dad.
Unfortunately, what happens is you become MOM...good or bad. I hate it. My H and the OW slept in our bed when I was out of town. I found this out later. The two of them promised never to tell. Of course she screamed it out the day she came to break our windows. I felt like they were two teenagers having sex in their parents bed, then one gets mad and rats the other out. Uck!
So I guess its time to wean him. Then he and the OW can play together in the sandbox.
Well, calmed down from a hard weekend. Went to see some nice friends.
I had to deal with lawyers today. My H, who swears his is happy and wants this divorce just threw another monkey wrench..the reason I got so upset at him..about the hiring of our accountant. He had already signed off on this months ago. Some days its just so tiring. If they want it over why not just do it. I feel like he is trying to grind me down so I will agree to anything.
I need to fight for myself and my son. I am also realizing some friends are just not friends. My way of saying thanks for this site.
Hey Short, sorry you are having a hard time. You have to really wonder about these guys. My h is someone who did not want to be married anymore and wanted a divorce right away so he could start a new like. It is 8 months later and I have asked him to leave and he is still dragging his feet. What gives with these men?
Dont let him grind you down, Short. You fight for yourself and your son - for whatever you feel that you both deserve.
It is sad how we find out who our real friends are. I am taking a line from my h. Life is too short. And I refuse to surround myself with anyone who is negative, unsupporting, or judgemental. My circle is dwindling, but thats ok because the people that are still in it are the best. Hang in there, dont let the bugger get you down.
Then he and the OW can play together in the sandbox.