What I can handle at this point seems to be absolutely nothing. I can't handle not snooping and wondering if there is something there, and I can't handle finding this stuff because each thing no matter how large or small I blow up over(now is it an over reaction, well he said he wouldn't contact her). I am a complete and total mess and I wouldn't want to be with me either!
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Well my friend called yesterday afternoon, I have not been talking to her or anyone much as I have been more to myself not wanting anyone to know and not good at hiding my sadness. It came up in conversation something about H's coworker that is renting our friends house. Yup, that is right the house she moved into last weekend belongs to 2 of my best friends, members of our wedding party who do not know what is going on. The reason it came up is because she was saying they are unhappy with her becuase she has had a man over a few times already and there was a stipluation in the contract given she came from a house her boyfriend wrecked that there be no people other than her and her daughter there. When I called my H to discuss how he had helped her get the house (that he claimed not to know where she had moved) his main interest in the conversation was who this man was at her house(and it wasn't him it was while we were on vacation). I decided that enough was enough and told him I was going out for the evening, half expecting him to challenge me(I have gone out while he stayed home maybe 3 times in 12 1/2 years). He said you go right ahead, have a good time you deserve it. I just have to go to my moms quick and throw the laundry in the dryer. So off he went and I called my friend, he called in about 10 min to see if I actually called her. When he came home, he was different. Asking where I was going, when I would be home. There was a shake in his voice. I told him we were going into the city, he said I never go there. Oh well. I said it is too boring locally for only 2 people. I know it is not right to do this but I said is there anything you need to say before I go? He said like what? I said we discussed earlier the need to have only 2 people in our marriage, if that is not what you want let me know before I go and I can make it happen. I know it was wrong, but I am sick of being on the end of the stick that is squirming. He said I love you and have a good time, take your cell phone with you. Well my friend's house is about 5 minutes away, as I walked in the door my phone was going off, now I did reply to most of the texts, but really it was continuous the entire 3 or 4 hours I was gone. I reminded him in the texts more than once that I loved him and he is the one that is having trouble making decisions. When I came home he was up and wanted to know about my time, I told him sat with my friend and talked had 3 drinks, someone bought us one more(someone he knows, I don't), didn;t end up drinking it. Asked me this morning why this guy bought us a drink. He mentioned again what I said last night this morning - he knows I did nothing. I said you know me, for 12 years, I said that to you to try to have you open up your feelings that you will not tell me. I will not be with anyone else until I know that there is no more you and I. I did check the computer and phones after I left today, to my knowledge no contact of OW.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
If I were you, I wouldn't be so forthcoming with the information about where you went and what you did. Just give it a positive, GAL-ing "Oh, I had a nice time! Thanks for watching the kids," or whatever, and be done with it.
He's probably genuinely interested, but then I can also almost guarantee you that he laughs to others (including OW) that he can simply text you anytime, and you respond to him.
Sorry if that hurts, but that's why we all have to stop doing that kind of "needy/grabby" thing and emotionally detach. The idea is to make him see what he's going to miss, and to not be so available to him.
At the start of DBing in my sitch, I was very vague with my H and seldom returned his calls. It really bothered him not knowing where I was at, what I was doing, who I was with, etc, etc....He saw me as a different person, and the phone calls increased (on his part).
Even the guy I dated for over a year during my separation said something to the same effect. One time I asked if I could have a sip of his drink. He said sure, if I didn't mind catching his cooties . I said it was too late for that. He charmingly replied, "Really? Hmm...I'd like to think there was still an aura of mystery there, wouldn't you?"
Be vague about your plans and whereabouts. Keep him wondering.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
It does not hurt and you are probably right, I ask questions because I would like honest answers and I am glad there are people here that will give them to me. Texting at all is a 180 for me, I never did it before and lectured my husband when he did because it is 15 cents a pop. So he texted her instead. This week he has texted me close to 300 times,yes I am responding but when I don;t there are 3 or 4 more right behind wondering why not. THe bill is going to be high but I kind of felt like at this point maybe I need to stop lecturing about money and if he is reaching out to talk to me at all it is a good thing. It is different when I am sitting at a bar, there is no way he would have responded to me that many times. Check out the first post in my sitch and what he told the MC his biggest issue was.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Hi, neecy. I looked up your first post, and you stated that your H's biggest issue is he feels you are too controlling. Is that right?
Regarding your calls to H when he's not home on time, how do you typically approach him when he does answer or call back? What is your demeanor? Are you confrontational? Interrogative? Genuinely concerned?
What other areas could he also feel 'controlled' in? When decisions need to be made, do you both tend to agree? Do you compromise? Or could it be possible that your H feels he doesn't have a say? Perhaps the majority of the time you end up getting the final word?
When my H left, he told his mom (who later told me) that he felt I was too controlling. Of course at first, I thought that was totally absurd. But when I took the time to look back at our R, I realized why my H could've felt that way. He'd have nights out with the guys, too, and whenever he didn't come home as promised, I would become angry, resentful, and 'punish' him by pouting, making him feel bad for going out without me. This lead to less nights out for my H. He wouldn't accept invitations because he knew I wouldn't be happy about it. Therefore, I 'controlled' the sitch. I 'controlled' H.
Another example - Picking a place to have dinner. I'd ask, "Where do you want to eat tonight?" H would say, "Let's go to BJ's." I would say, "No, I don't want to go there. How about Cattleman's?" H would say alright. - I asked him where he'd like to go, but then I turned around and made the decision myself. I 'controlled' it again.
Now as to the calls and texts, I suppose if your H is the one initiating the contact, it's fine to respond, but you may want to limit it at times. Don't assume that if you don't respond to H immediately that he's going to turn around right away and start up with OW again. Cross that bridge IF you get there.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I agree after the discussion with the MC that I was being too controlling. If he answered the phone I would generally be nice the first time, but he would always say he was on his way home, next time I called back I would be more upset, and so forth. Mostly he would not answer the phone at all so I would call a lot and leave messages. I know I was wrong. I am working on it. I was also controlling with money, partly because H is bad with it. When we got our mortgage there was a note on the credit report about my engagement ring, he was late on car insurance at another point. When we first got married we would each take an "allowance" of spending money that was for gas and leisure. The idea was this money would not be questioned. Later H started putting gas on the credit card and the money was just for leisure. After D was born there was not enough $ to go around so I stopped taking the allowance, he didn;t but sees that he gets an allowance as being controlling. As far as what we eat or do, I have always let my H make the decisions, I am very easy going.
The hardest part about this whole sitch for me is the lack of control, I cannot make him stop contacting her. The 2 times I did contact her put me back in control at least that I felt like I was doing something. Both times it made a bigger mess.
I am a mess again today, it seems like the theme of the past 3 weeks. After closely monitoring me the night before H had his last game of hockey yesterday. The game was at 12:30 in the afternoon. He made it home at 2 a.m. He texted me a number of times between 4 (when he left the arena) and 10:30 asking what I was doing and saying things like be home in 20 min. Then nothing after that. When he came in at 2 he was drunk(shouldn't have been driving, that being said at least I am fairly certain he really was with the hockey guys)and wanted dinner. He was yipping about stupid things in bed being argumentative - nothing about ow. Didn't go to sleep until 3. This morning my mom had to come to watch D. She normally comes at 7:30 but he asked if she could come at 7:10 because he needed to be there since the new guy started today and had no keys. At 7:20 I was still struggling to get him out of bed.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
. I said it was too late for that. He charmingly replied, "Really? Hmm...I'd like to think there was still an aura of mystery there, wouldn't you?"