I do think that he is evaluating his life and where he is in it and I don't think he is especially happy with his progress professionally and, obviously, personally.
He says he wants to "love someone with his whole heart." and although he will always love me, blah, blah, blah. . . He also says he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, that there are places in his life that are no longer any of my business, blah, blah, blah. . .
He seems to think that there is this perfect soul mate love out there who is going to fill up all the holes in his life. The irony of all this is that he was the man who taught me years and years ago that no else can make you happy, that is was not his or anyone else's responsibility to make me happy. . .that each person was responsible for their own happiness. I took those lessons and learned and found myself and my happiness from within. And I stopped looking for him to fulfill all my needs. I became active physically, I learned to ride horses and compete in Endurance, I have always been active with the kids and their schooling, I made friends, I found joy in working outside on our proerty and I loved my husband. My life was amazing, full and complete. Not perfect, but damn near.
I had a life but this last year and a half my focus has been on saving, restoring, not losing the life we built. . .and I feel like I'm failing. I need to get my life back. . .even if that means letting go of him. What a sad, sad place to be.
What upset him so much about my son quitting baseball to come home is that our son's ball was the one thing H was passionate about and H didn't have anything else to take its place. Oh, he plays golf and is quite good, his work is important, the house the property, the animals, the family all matter but what really revved his engines was N's ball. I think it was the final straw that truly pushed him into MLC squared.
Now it's his unrealistic wish of finding this perfect love that motivates him. . .
We had love, we still have physical passion and what's more, now we're getting close to the time when we'll have time to do all the stuff we planned on dong when. . .
He says he still wants to do all the stuff we talked about, he just doesn't want to do it with me. . . Ouch. . . all the things we've been waiting for he wants to share with someone he hasn't even met yet. . .he's going to give all the love and respect that he's been witholding from me for the last couple years to, at this point, a complete stranger.
Where is the justice in that? Did this phantom woman support him through his lean years? Did she provide the financial foundation for his home, business and family? Did she work for 20 years at a job to supply health insurance and a credit history that is irrefutable? Did she partner with him to bring up 4 amazing children who are all bright, talented, fun-loving and well on their way to being responsible members of society? Why is this ethereal being elevated above me and why is she going to reap the benefits to all of my hard work and sacrifices?
Wah, , ,I'm being a big, fat baby and getting a little tired of hearing myself whine!
