Hey, Purr - I tried to look for your thread and couldn't locate it. Do you have your own thread? I'd be interested in hearing your sitch. Also, you put up a respone on one of Ali's threads that I wanted to reply to you about.
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RTL: I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets that weird mixed positive and negative gut-churning thing going on!! I didn't think you got much of that feeling, since whenever I read your posts, you seem so grounded and right on the money!! Well, the heart and stomach seem connected emotionally on some of these hurts, fears, and desires.
I may seem grounded and right on the money w/ my words, but my emotions and actions are a bit messed up, to say the least. In fact, you described me to a T in this same post when you said
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now, if only I could follow my own advice as well as I can dish it out...
That is me EXACTLY. Maybe I should have been a therapist b/c I'm good at telling others what they need to do while I still can't sort out my own house.
Added a link to my sitch in the signature...hope it works...I'm over in MLC forum, though technically I could (unfortunately) be right at home in the "We're Separated" forum : (
Any wisdom or support you can cast my way would be most welcome. Having a tough weekend...not that I've had any easy ones so far.
Fish,
Good work! Nice and slow... so nice to read a story which seems to have turned around fairly suddenly. I'm still trying to learn and understand what the process is for the WAS. I guess while they are off doing their thing, there isn't a lot of sharing of what is going on for them inside. Great job, and I wish you a fun pool party!
You're right, Purr. We are left to guess what is going on inside their heads.
However, we do have one advantage. This site.
There are so many 'constants' in our sitches, that I think we can generalize on some of them, then apply the proper behaviors to ensure that we don't (at least) make things worse.
Some of our Ws were slower to come around than others. Why? Doesn't matter. We CAN'T overthink it.
If we don't push them into a decision, don't make them feel smothered, and don't treat them badly, many of them will come back to what they always wanted: A caring, communicative, affectionate husband. Of course that requires work on our part...but it's something we should be doing anyway.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Well it's official - my divorce is on hold! W told me to call my lawyer on Monday, cancel the court date in March and let him know that the divorce is on hold and we are working on our marriage. Wow!
The pool party last night was awesome! My daughter, W and I had a fantastic time. Very minmal relationship talk, just a lot of fun.
After D went to bed we drank a little wine and had a nice chat. W said that she loves the changes in me. More relaxed, confident and happy. She also finds my new activities (GAL) very sexy. She said she is now ready to meet me half way and work on our marriage. I was also shocked to learn that her parents and her friends have told her that she is making a huge mistake.
W felt that our marriage needed a time out. Prior to our separation, there was a lot of tension. We needed time to grow as individuals so that we could build a better life together. She said that she had an epiphany in Europe. One morning she woke up and said "What am I doing?"
I did a lot of listening and validating last night. I let her drive the bus.
From a physical standpoint, we have been making out quite a bit, but no sex. The anticipation is kind of exciting. W feels that it would be too painful to start up the physical side of our relationship in a big way and then have to leave each other. I agreed.
I did tell her that she is very hot and I will always be very attracted to her. When the time is right... I am ready for action. She liked that.
Lots of real "I love yous" last night - not the phony kind.
10 minutes after we parted, W called me to say Thank you for a great night and that the two of us should go away together the weekend of 3-14. I said that sounds great. She also said that she would call later so we could plan our week together. She feels that we should schedule time together each week on our path to reconciliation. One night at home with D, one night out with D, one night out alone and possibly weekend activities.
She gave me more compliments last night than in the past 2 years.
Hopefully this will continue. I just need to play it very cool, not put any pressure on her and realize I have no control over this situation. The good news is that at this point, you can really enjoy the ride without being compelled to ask for more.
I truly believe I have gotten to this point via persistence, patience, time & space. Also GAL was absolutely key. It seems that once you are going to be fine without them, they come back.
Wow Fish, this is just awesome. Congratulations!! I hope a ton of us here get to follow in your footsteps. Keep up the good work.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Really inspiring to read your story. I feel my own sitch is quite a long way from what you've been describing, which makes me feel sad, but it is no less satisfying to read about your story and some real positives as a result of two people going through their process and working hard on themselves.
