Up and down we go, where it stops, nobody knows

[SirPrizeMe]

I went for another run today, too. I run about 40 minutes, with a couple stops along the way to do some decline pushups. By the end of the 40 minutes I am in a full sweat. Feels good. I read that vigorous exercise like that hops up the natural endorphins, which is a good natural way to boost a person's mood. I'm all over that.

But I went off the path getting out of the way of a family, and when I wasn't watching, I sprained my ankle, ouch, it looks like a softball.

No running tomorrow I guess.

Today I also tuned up my mountain bike - it is ready to roll for the spring. I am pretty psyched to do some riding, but now with my ankle, I will have to take it easy for a week or so I guess.

My mood has been pretty good lately, but not because I am deceiving myself as to the seriousness of the situation. Actually it is the opposite. I believe the situation is serious, and I believe my wife's assertions are not credible, and I think that will be plain to the court. The more I think about it the more convinced of this I am. And then, I think - well, what if the court is not convinced? But of course I have no control over the court's decision. I can only state my case, keep my dignity, follow the golden rule (I'm not getting nasty), and hope for the best.

Do my best and hope for the best. I feel like I know that "play". I've run that play many times lately.

Peace, all!

[SirPrizeMe]

By the way - if you read what I have written lately, it is mostly about the business of divorce. Filing motions and protection orders and so on.

I have to say, I am still DBing. In a different way, of course. I still believe most people give up on marriages too soon. My wife has gone off them deep end, but even now she still is not experiencing the true consequences of what she has decided. She hasn't had to move out of the house. She hasn't had to confront the sharing of custody of her beloved children. She hasn't had her budget restricted. All this will come to pass. Soon. The way I get there is by following the divorce proceedings.

Will it be enough to shake her loose? Not sure. But we shall see. For now I am remaining patient, while at the same time protecting myself and planning for a future with or without her. I am not taking what she does personally.

[job]

Sir,
You sound like you are in a good place.

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey Snodderly! That was yout 10000th post!
yeehaw!

Thanks! You have some great insight on this forum. We appreciate all you do. If I were with you, I would buy you a beer and pat you on the back. . .

[job]

Sir,
I'll get that beer on St. Paddy's day and will thoroughly enjoy it.

Enjoy your day and start making some plans for spring. It's right around the corner!

[MissH]

I'll get that beer on St. Paddy's day

Green beer?

[SirPrizeMe]

Green beer? Ewww, no!
Good beer is much more Irish than Green beer!

[RefuseToLose]

SPM -

Bummer about your ankle. You were just beginning to hum again. I hope it heals fast.

As for your take on my sitch, yes, I may have to pull out the dirty laundry if W is looking for sole custody and supervised visits. That is what I'm hoping to avoid. My L will instruct me on what to do, but I am working on compiling the evidence, just in case I have to use it.

I also really like your take on how you are DBing right now, because I'm one who is very down today and having those thoughts of throwing in the towel. You are right b/c your W hasn't had the full effects of the divorce hit her yet. Neither has mine.

They have both been in control of our children from the start and have been the ones to dictate our time with our kids. Money won't be much of an issue for my W as she makes more than I do, but the stresses of having to do things alone will make it difficult. She had her parents in town for 10 days and now her sister is in for the weekend. Her neice will come in about 2 weeks for her spring break.

However, what I've noticed is when she's completely alone, she is very friendly with me and even more so if I have D at my house. I'm anxious to see how she reacts to being on her own full-time. I'm not sure she'll like it too much. Once her support system leaves, she'll have to fully face her decision.

I too am continuing to hold out hope but also working to prepare for my life w/ or w/out my W. I'll always have a connection w/ her b/c of our D, but I'm preparing for this possibility to mean we're in separate houses for the rest of our days.

Great perspective on things.

RTL

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks RTL.
It doesn't make it stink any less, but sometimes it just feels better to know that other people are going through what you are going through. So thanks.


My ankle felt pretty ok this morning. It looks ugly, purple, but it works ok. I actually considered going for another run this morning, but then I guess my "old guy" conscience said, "what, are you nuts?" and so I didn't. But I could've. Maybe tomorrow. It looks worse than it is. Weird, my knee on the opposite side hurts more than my ankle, and I don't remember injuring the knee.

Whatever, I won't let it slow me down. Maybe I'll ride the bike tomorrow.

I see my wife twice a week during kid exchange, but because of the protection order, I am not permitted to communicate with her at all. I may not speak to her during the exchange, and I am not even permitted to get out of the car, according to the arrangement we have. (If this sounds like pretty heavy protection, I agree. If you are concluding that I am a dangerous guy and I need to be restrained, that's not right. She doesn't agree though. wacky.) I am also proscribed from calling her or emailing her about any other business. I cannot even send her a text to ask her to have the kids swimsuits packed, so we can go to the pool. It's the stupidest thing I ever heard of.

Anyway I don't talk with her during the exchange, and I also do not look her in the eye. I avoid her glance. I look at my kids, kiss/hug for them. Then I drive away. but I stole a glance today. She looks terrible.

I don't know how else to put it.

She looks as if she has aged 10 years.
I don't believe I am imagining this.
Maybe I am. Don't think so.

I gotta believe your W is also feeling the pressure. I don't "feel good" about this - seeing my wife this way. I don't feel vindicated. Ok, maybe a little, but it's a hollow feeling. It doesn't make it any better. I am only hoping that eventually the pressure she is putting on herself will get to her.

I have spoken to a bunch of experts in the field. One is a former head of psychiatry at the largest hospital in my (major) metro area. A Heavy Hitter, you would say. Anyway, he and all the other experts all say the same thing - they don't "snap out of it" unless and until they hit rock bottom. Until they hit bottom they will not change. What is the bottom?

It is certainly not, in my wife's case, continuing to live in the big house, continuing to plan her days of leisure, volunteering, massages, etc. Continuing to dictate the terms under which the children and I live. All that will change. I don't want her to suffer but ... yes, reality. Reality wouldn't be so bad.

[SirPrizeMe]

Meant to update on yesterday. I got to spend half the day with my kids. Picked 'em up at 10am, dropped em off at 530pm. Not enough time to go skiing, but we had a nice day anyway.

I made lunch for em, which is nice. We made collages. We played "snail" which is a hopscotch kind of thing that everybody can play. I wanted to play a little more with the boys, toss the football or frisbee, but you know, with four kids it is hard to find one thing that keeps everyone entertained. The girls didn't want to throw the football. Snail was fun - the littlest one, won the game. She was pleased.

We drew with chalk on the driveway. We made cupcakes. We did more collages. We had fun.

For a long while the girls played "spa" with me as the customer. They were massaging me, giving me haircuts and facials, I asked for a hair color, too. It was all pretend. They gave me foot massages and served me imaginary tea and pizza. They rubbed lotion into my face and arms. I loved every minute of it! They were cracking up, having a good time.

It wasn't all fun and games. Briefly, we talked about honesty. One of my sons commented that he knew how to "scam ebay". I told him that it is easy to figure out scams. Scams are everywhere. We talked about shoplifting and cheating. It's pretty easy to "get away with" stuff. But what we need to do is act honestly, even when no one is watching. Not too heavy, I think. Just a teaching moment.

Also with the same son I had to tell him to wash better. He stinks of BO! I told him politely, gently, and discretely of course. Apparently he is out of deodorant. Ah, fatherhood!

Smooches and hugs at the end of the visit. Leaving them is always hard for me. I cannot even call them in between our visits. These days, I always give them each a letter when we part. I am allowed to do that I guess. I hope. I just say that I love them and enjoy being with them and miss our time together.

Today I got a letter from our former Pastor, the guy who married us. It was a letter on my behalf - stating that he saw a normal relationship between me and the kids, me and the wife. I asked him to write a letter to the court, since I am now in a custody battle and W is alleging 22 years of abuse.

I can only shake my head. How did I get here? I am thankful he wrote it, of course.

This morning I went for a little bike ride - the sprained ankle worked fine. Got a good sweat going. That's good for me. My bike has been rehabbed and tuned up for Spring. It's working great. Everything is perfectly adjusted. I splurged on some new tires last night - the existing ones are getting worn and now lack traction. The bike will be like new when I get those tires on it. I'm psyched to ride some off-road stuff.

Riding inspires me. It's a real pleasure, a passion of mine. So I feel great about spending money getting my bike just the way I want it. It's my one vice! My one serious indulgence.

---

I was recounting to a buddy a story I saw in the news about an apparently successful young doctor who led a double life - he was a bike enthusiast, and was in the habit of stealing high-end bicycles. Bikes worth $5000 or more. (yes, bikes can cost that much). Anyway as I was recounting it, I remembered that OM used to do the same thing. It just came back to me. (OM was my "friend".) I remember him going to bike shops and asking to take a bike for a "test ride" and then never returning with the bike. He thought it was the greatest scam. What a shyster.

I remembered this well AFTER I talked to my son about Honesty.

OM never developed the honesty habit. When we were in college, he used to go to the grocery store and stuff his clothes full of steaks, and then buy a pack of gum. He'd walk out with 100's of $ worth of meat in his clothing. All of us in college were poor, but he was the only one who behaved that way, as far as I knew.

Even in the summer of 2006, when he was 42 years old!, I remember him still acting this way, like a kid with bad morals. He'd run a scam if he thought he could get away with it. His bike broke, and he filed a false claim to get it fixed for free. This is a man who lived in a $600k house at the time. Why would he cheat like this? He didn't need the money. By any measure he was rich, very well off financially. Why would he cheat to get his bicycle fixed? Because he is a dishonest person to the core. Period.

His father left his mother when he was 2, and he never had a man in his life to act as a model - never had someone to look up to and aspire to emulate.

Neither did my wife (her father also left her mother, and then refused to pay child support). Coincidence that W and OM decided they were "soulmates"?

I've written too much!