She's Gone - No Contact

[Kinlovewithm]

Anyone out there? Weekends are tough. During the week, I manage to stay so busy I'm OK and feel "strong." But when I have free time I get depressed and start thinking about GF. I'm trying so hard to just move on but I'm really feeling discouraged. I can't imagine how some of you feel after being together 10, 20, 30 years and all of a sudden "they" are gone. It sucks!

I'm praying for all of us! K

[MichelleLT]

That's why it's so important to do fun things on the weekends. I spent part of the evening scrapbooking with my roommate. It helps me to have company. What works for you? Do you like being around people, working out, reading a book, watching a movie, playing an instrument?

Hang in there.

[Kinlovewithm]

Hey Michelle - I love being at home. Reading is my favorite thing to do BUT being at home is when I start thinking of her. I try to mix it up. I'll go out with friends tonight. I do play the piano but don't really play much at home. Thanks for keeping in touch. Good luck to you. K

[Kinlovewithm]

New question - does anyone know of anyone in my situation (separated and no contact at all)? Most of the stories on here are of couples who still talk, text, see each other to swap kids, etc. I feel so different and helpless. K

[NikB]

Hey K - I just posted this to someone else but not sure if you read her thread and I thought some of this might be helpful to you, too.

Have you ever taken a look at the coping.org site? They have some really good, practical exercises that help with some of this stuff. This "Letting Go" page had some good info I thought:
http://coping.org/grief/letgo.htm

(it's a bit focused on a person passing away rather than a separation, but I still think a lot of it applies). This part in particular I found really valuable:

"Adjustment Post Lost: The "holder on'' is lost once the person does "let go'' because they are challenged to survive in life without the other person. The "holder on'' can make a successful adjustment and become more independent, resourceful, and personally responsible in her/his own life. A less successful outcome is the ``holder on'' collapsing into self pity, debilitating grief, and maladaptive behavior. The "holder on'' in either case needs assistance and support initially to sort out the impact of the loss event so as to be better able to decide which outcome they want for their life. It is a personal choice of the "holder on'' how they will adjust to the person's letting go."

Powerful stuff there.

There is also a LOT on this page that has been helpful to me:
http://coping.org/control/content.htm

It's about handling "control issues" - at first I'd think "Who me? I don't have control issues." Then realized that MANY of the problems I (and all of us) was facing were related to this.

Some of the topics I found most useful on that page:
Overcoming the Need to Fix
Accepting Powerlessness
Letting Go of the Uncontrollables and Unchangables
Developing Detachment
Eliminating Overdependence

I also found it really interesting reading through some of those and seeing them from H's side. Particularly the dependence thing - reading the stuff about "how to get someone to stop being overly dependent on you." (you will also probably think "I wish H had done it THAT way rather than what he did") In particular I saw that my H DID actually try a lot of the things they suggest to help me become more independent - of course, at the time I didn't see it or it scared me and I reacted by becoming more clingy and needy. Not sure if the same is true for you, but I'm betting it is.

I hope you find those helpful - I re-read them every so often and just let the concepts kinda simmer in the back of my mind. I've come to a lot of good realizations/understandings that way.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Nik. Yes, I found the coping.org website about a year ago and printed out practically every page. BUT, I've never read or studied the information. So, thanks and I will pull it out and work on it. Hope you're doing well. K

[MichelleLT]

My H and I don't have kids or a house, or much of anything besides a M that is in shambles. We've gone a month at a time w/o contact because we have no reason to and he's set on getting a D and sees no reason to call me.

The only reason we are talking this week is primarily tax stuff. After we get all that done, I doubt I'll hear from him for a while.

It does make things harder. I find it difficult to believe he's noticed any of my changes since I haven't seen him since Nov and rarely talk to him. But that doesn't change the part of it where I need to be happy and confident on my own. It also doesn't change my ultimate goal. But I'm no good at predicting the future, so for the moment, I'm just along for the ride.

[NikB]

I did the same thing, K! I have it all printed out and never actually LOOKED at it. I find it sinks in more when I go read it on the site for some reason.

Also I forgot to answer your question on others in your same sitch with no kids and such. I have a feeling that's why Michelle and I were drawn to your thread. Michelle already posted about her sitch and how similar it is to yours. My H and I have the house together and the dog, but no kids.

I've seen a handful of others in the past but most I can think of are pretty infrequent posters these days.

There is also this poster:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1365712&page=0&fpart=1 who says she has "no kids to draw him back" but talks about her daughter. I assume it must mean that she has a daughter from a previous R but no kids with him. Her sitch has me scratching my head because I can't figure out how they even ended up married! But you might get some comfort from each other?

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks to both of you. Yes, I've actually read through some of the coping.org stuff online. I really want to re-read it though and hopefully it will soak in. I like holding stuff in my hands to read, isn't that silly?

I know I need to stop worrying about GF coming back and go ahead and move on but it's so hard. She doesn't have anyone else (I don't think) except the big, fat, religious monster hanging over her head. And her memories of us arguing a lot. (Why can't she remember the GOOD stuff, like I do?)

I keep thinking if I had just listened to what she tried to tell me (I'm not happy, I feel confined, etc.), done what I read (give her space, etc.), done what I knew to do (stop bringing up stuff to argue about), we might still be together. It's so hard not to blame yourself. Yes, she had a part to play also but I really blew it, time after time. I am not giving up hope.

I'm meeting two friends for dinner and shopping. Talk to you all later. Thanks again. K

[NikB]

K - not silly at all! It's funny how different people are with reading "soft copies" of things. I hate taking meetings from conf rooms - I'd much rather be dialed in and reading it at my desk. I know a lot of other people who even print out their email vs. reading it online, though.

She doesn't have anyone else (I don't think) except the big, fat, religious monster hanging over her head. And her memories of us arguing a lot. (Why can't she remember the GOOD stuff, like I do?)

Because if she remembered THAT she'd be doubting her decision and she doesn't want to do that. It's sooo common.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Make the changes, make them permanent, and move forward. Sounds like she had a LOT of issues too, to say the least. Maybe you wouldn't be together, maybe you would and be fighting all the time, who knows... but glad to see you looking forward more.