I couldnt believe this para, I could have written this myself:
Quote:
It's ridiculous to me that we still mainly connect only via email, and never use the phone. And when I think about her reasons for leaving, they (still) seem to just not be that severe as to merit moving out. I was just feeling so frustrated today...that this doesn't seem to make sense!! Why the heck are we apart, when we get along so well??????
This is exactly my position! We are also still only mainly in email contact. I thikn that its "safer" for the WAS...its less invading of their privacy and they can "control" the exchange more than a phonecall. If its all they can manage, be grateful as I am that they are doing this at least and didnt just leave a PO Box number and disappear! And yes, we too were the best of friends before and in the R and no reasons given that warranted such a spectacular walking off! And whatever the reasons were, I like you feel that, we could have overcome them, they werent insurmountable at all! It is so frustrating isnt it, but all I can say is, I'm right there with you, I totally get your incredulousness at the direction shes chosen to force your lives in. But for them (and we dont understand this bit), this is something they felt compelled to do. And that bits not about you (or me!), thats down to their basic persobalities, or childhood experiences, unfortunately.
I think its great she asked about booking more MC sessions in, she is giving it priority, I guess she wants to book up now to make sure you dont miss the slots, that shows commitment! It is a wierd landscape you find yourself in, but try and be grateful she is giving you a little 2nd chance by going to MC...did she go at first only to help you two break-up? Did I rememebr that right? I bet deep down that cant still be the motivation for making sure you book more sessions in ?
You do sound like a lovely, intelligent, thoughtful man. You have picked up the DBing straight off and I reckon it will continue to work for you...shes telling you her plans at least!
Weekend is here...I find them tough. W. emailed me a couple of days ago to ask if I would talk w/her re: a work situation that she was stressed about. (We always used to "consult" back and forth when we were together...this was a first for her to ask since she moved out). I said sure, asked if she preferred to connect on the phone or go have a tea somewhere. She emailed back that she was really stressed and not sleeping well about the situation. She said maybe we could go for tea but wanted to play it by ear and to check in later in the day. Later on she voicemailed me to say she felt too tired and preferred to talk on the phone. (Even though we've seen each other about 4 times, this was our first real phone call since she moved out in beginning Dec).
Okay, so we had a good call. W. seemed stressed about the sitch but also sounded shaky and kind of...depressed. Normally, she has presented as strong and fairly "together". I had the sense that the way she was feeling was about more than this particular work sitch, but I don't have anything to base this on. Anyway, I mainly did a lot of listening, but it seemed helpful to her, and (as usual) we had a good connection. She emailed me a couple of hours later with a very brief note that thanked me for the "consult" and that she really appreciated my support. I wrote back (equally briefly) saying I was glad it was helpful and wishing her a good sleep.
The next morning she wrote me another email with a little funny inside joke in it and again really emphasizing how much she appreciated my help. She said she still ended up having a terrible sleep and headache and felt like crap.
I feel for her and found myself wanting to start doing all kinds of non DB things like phoning her up and seeing how she's doing, seeing if she wants to go out for a walk, putting together a little care package, sending a loving e-card, etc. NO NO NO NO!!! MUST...RESIST...EXPRESSING...LOVE. Oh, this ride is SO tough.
Well, I did loads of errands today and it was warm and sunny and I hated it! I felt that this would be a typical day when we would have been hanging out, or shopping together. It is frustrating like crazy, even though I am trying to be good to myself. I dearly miss her, and am angry at her for her part of this mess. I really hate this crazy space of limbo land.
It was satisfying in a strange way to know that life isn't rosy 24/7 for her. At the same time, I care about her and feel a desire to be there for her. This always came naturally, but now it feels unnatural to put a halt to it. I was hoping we might see each other this weekend, but she signed her email "See you Tuesday" (MC appmnt).
I'm just babbling and missing her and REALLY FRUSTRATED even though I'm doing the stuff I need to do. I am having fantasies of her calling up and saying "what was I thinking?? This was crazy on my part...". Well, we're all entitled to an MLC Recovery Fantasy or two, aren't we?
Oh, and in her last email...very brief, I saw her use a word that is normally completely forbidden from the MLC lexicon: "our". Yes, that's right folks, W. used the pronoun "our"...that is a first since the move out. Okay, given the context of how she used it, I'm sure there's nothing much to it. Still...for those of us who like to grasp at straws...
I actually see some humor creeping into your posts!
Attaboy! I think you're doing fantastic. I wish I'd caught on as quick as you.
Weekends can be a b!tch. I have learned to start planning my weekends on Monday. I pack 'em with stuff...cleaning, errands, hobby, friends, museum visits...and so on. This has helped tremendously.
Do you have any female friends? I'm certainly not advocating any sort of dating/relationship thing, but since the bomb, I've cultivated some friendships with some very thoughtful and understanding women. This has helped me a lot. They have really helped me understand my wife, and they have really eased the pain of not being able to talk to a rational woman. And as far as improving my attitude...priceless. Again, I have absolutely no sexual attraction to these women at all. They are happily married, and I am close friends with their husbands. It is pure friendship. Nor do I advocate trying to make your W jealous.
But it will make her think. It will instill doubt, and cause her to question her motives.
Another thing: be wary when your W is friendly and doing nice things for you. MLCers will frequently "play nice" so they can justify that, deep down, they are really "good people" despite all the heinous things they've done to make you miserable.
This is where the rollercoaster ride metaphor comes from. They will treat you with consideration and respect one minute, and then ask for a divorce the next. "Playing nice" is how they offset the guilt they feel.
You handled your W's request for a "consult" with the grace and aplomb of a seasoned LBS. Brilliant.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
You do seem to be doing great. Good for you. I'm eight months along and likely headed for a D, so I can only echo about the need for detachment. You must focus on building your own world of happiness, and that will take time. I used to hang on every word or action from W, trying to figure out what it might mean. Even tried to read things into what I saw laying around the house after I moved out. You know what? That only made me batty. It took a while, but I finally learned that unless they tell us what is on their minds, it's pointless to speculate. We see only what we want to see, so if we want hope we look for hope, if we are prone to negative thinking, we interpret all things in a negative way.
Keep in mind what others have said about sudden mood changes with those in MLC. Try not to hang too much on anything you deem positive. That's so frustrating, I know, but my experience is that moods change suddenly. They don't call this the rollercoaster from hell for nothing, so strap yourself in and hang on tight.
Keep up the good work. You are further along than a lot of people at your point. You will backslide from time to time (I'm in such a phase now after doing really well for a long time), but go with the flow of life and try to control only that which you can really control.
The fact she is going to counseling w/ you is huge. Keep staying slow and steady. It doesn't make any sense, but it is the reality we are living.
We want them to snap out of it right away, but they won't. Time works for you if you use the time to improve yourself. Time is our enemy if we sit and wait, and wait, and wait.
I'm in a funk personally as I too agree the weekends are very difficult. However, Bruce's suggestion to begin planning your weekends early on Monday and keep them packed is a good one. I may use that one myself.
Keep improving yourself. Stay tough w/ your DBing and use this forum to vent, so you don't do it w/ your wife.
I'm starting to keep tabs on the calendar of how many "slips" (backslides) and how many "pressures" I have each week. My goal will be for zeros in both categories and I'm hoping the records will help me to keep my focus.
Purr, Ali et all, Have been reading your threads for a while(lurking) I`m (like Bruce) a bit, but not a lot, further on than you in this totally surreal situation we all find ourselves in.Ali nice to know you are in U.K. I`m in the North West of England you are down in the South west. My Dad was born in Cornwall and I lived there until I was 6 years old( Dad always called it "Gods little Land") I have posted some time ago when I was probably in about the same position as Purr is now. I am 60 now W is 53 this May. She is now living in her own rented house in town, struggling financially. When we seldom meet she is cordial but not affectionate she seems to have the attitude that her past life good as I thought it was is over and she is now independent and living her own life. There is no evidence of EA or PA since I had the bomb drop in May07. She tried to file for divorce the 2nd week after she left but was told she had "no grounds" for divorce and would have to wait 2 years( she told me this herself) I have to say that if any evidence of PA came to light then I would file for D myself. There is no way I could ever lie down with her again. Some one on one of these boards said "Save yourself before you save your marriage" I think this is the code we should all follow.We have been married (still married) 27 years.A dear sweet Christian girl who has gone completely off the rails.No one friends family or me can understand why she is behaving like this.The important thing to remember is that no one can help or speed this up it is really up to them and in the meantime the only way we can deal with this is to GAL. This is actually about self-help. A good source of inspiration is Joel Osteen(just Google it), big help to me.Thanks to Bombadier for your input
Hi Purr.. Sounds like you handled the phone conversation really really well. Its so strange isnt it, to force oneself to be so careful in how we communicate when you are dying to say "are you ok?? You sound sad?? Shall I come over ???" All of which would be a disaster of course. I really identify with you when you said
Quote:
I'm just babbling and missing her and REALLY FRUSTRATED even though I'm doing the stuff I need to do. I am having fantasies of her calling up and saying "what was I thinking?? This was crazy on my part..."
I feel the same, you babble on and think this and that and essentially, we ust miss them. I had a tough weekend too, as like you, we'd had a couple of meet ups recently and I was expecting another one soon. Then to have the weekend to myself was a blow, as it must have been for you there. Its so brilliant that she is in MC with you then, I would be ecstatic if my BF had agreed to that (he flat refused). Good luck for Tuesday..whats your plan in MC then? Are you still trying to just sit and stay quiet and listen? Or does the C try and draw you in?
I agree with you that your W called you perhaps with more on her mind than just the work sitch, that the whole pressure of her sitch may be getting to her, that perhaps she isnt feeling the reflief she thought she would once she had left you? I think its amazing she did call you to discuss it...your the guy she left! Its surreal. Dont they get it ?? You are her main support. My BF also downloaded about work the minute he arrived, the past twice I have seen him and no doubt would the next time I see him. Like you I was pleasant and helpful and happy for him to talk about it (I was happy he was talking to me at all !). I dont think you are reading too much into it, it is significant that she turned to you for help over it anyway. I guess shes still in the same frame of mind though and it IS frustrating isnt it ! Thinking of you. Ali __________________ Me: 36 H: 34 LT: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1365506
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Good feedback as always. I do have a couple of distant female friends who I will give a call to. You're right to be cautious re: MLC'er being nice, at least in the sense of being cautious and not bringing out the trumpets to hail a new era in the relationship.
Hanlding the call with seasoned aplomb? Thanks! Well, it looks good on the outside, but inside it's a raw and wretched place. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing with any of this, so thanks for affirming I'm in the right direction.
Thanks for your support! I find it's hard to stay confident when one doesn't feel that way inside. Backsliding is an ever present temptation!! So far, for the most part my backslides have not been in her presence, but I need to focus when we are together.
