FIB - great post. Frank the chapter I was refering to was your W being at home chuntering on about things rather than actually getting on and doing something about the situation.
ok, thanks for the clarification Saffie.
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Saturday W went off to do some massages and was 'cheery'. Before she left she said she had some in the morning, then a break, then some in the afternoon. She said she 'should be able to come home in between'. When she left she said 'see you later alligator'.
As I posted earlier this week, we were supposed to talk to D12 about the divorce on Saturday as I had insisted to W that she not have to go to school the next day and we be around for her if she had questions or felt unsafe. She is a sensitive soul and I want her to know we are both there for her.
Well, W never came home until 6 pm. She also didn't call to say she had more massages or something which she would usually do if she wasn't going to be home at a specific time that she had previously committed to. Of course I'm thinking that she had a secret meet up with someone of course. Yeah, can't help myself.
Well, she came home and her best friend 'P' is visiting overnight again (reminder: P is 40ish, never been in a relationship, not good looking at all, pleasant enough but as my D17 descried her 'a teenager in a grown up body')
So, they had a 'movie night' with D17 also hanging out with them and W had a glass of wine, which is unusual for her so something was stressing her out. Whenever she saw me she would give me a smile that was more than just 'friendly', and I smiled back.
But, we didn't talk. When 'P' is around she is tight with her. It's kind of sickening actually.
Needless to say, we didn't talk to D12 and W hasn't brought it up. So I don't know what's up there yet.
I spent some time last night talking with a friend and journaling about the girlfriend I had before I met W. We didn't stay together for a lot of reasons and there were some attributes about her, and our relationship that keep coming up in my mind lately. Mostly it was this: She was not someone who was afraid to tell me what she was thinking, and when I was in a 'down' emotional place, or otherwise needing some support she was PROACTIVE and would DO things to get us both moving. We never went through anything like the stuff I've been through in the past 10 years that knocked me way down, but the thing is I know that if we had she wouldn't have just sat there waiting for me to fix it. She wouldn't have just 'gave me space' to figure things out.
I guess what I'm saying is that I realize what was missing from my marriage was an equal partner. I know that I've always been aware of my W's personality but I've loved her and done the best I can to be there for her. But it hasn't been a two way street. Yes she loved me, but the emotional weaknesses dragged me down farther when I was already down.
Now I know better, and I know to get support elsewhere. I also know that when she leaves I'll be fine because other than the empty place in my heart, there isn't much else I'm losing since the person she is right now doesn't really support me.
I know I can't 'go back' and change decisions I've made, can't go back to old relationships. But it sure hurts to look at the past 20 years and see that it was somewhat crippled for a long time and we really never had a chance because we didn't know what I know now. And I can't explain that to W and convince her to wake up and do the real work.
So, I'm clear on everything now. It hurts to see my W break up our family but since she's not going to really see what has happened, and what should be done to make it work, then this is the way it will go. I'm trying not to dislike her but she HAS run away 3 times now and each time she's come back she hasn't done anything significant to make it work.
I did some things but wasn't really ready to take the risk of holding her accountable for her part because of the fear that she would run away again. Big mistake. Now we're both accountable.
