Ugh. Back to posting. Detachment level goes down this time of the month, but thankfully only lasts a few days.
I didn't really speak to H this weekend. When I arrived for dinner, he was just finishing and offered me his seat. I declined (which I almost always do when he offers me something - maybe I need to change that and just say thank you). I was happy to not have to sit through dinner with him though. When I left, he went back to his ways of not looking at me or saying bye to me. No mention of the phone incident.
Lately, I've been having dreams at night of H returning and things being good. The strange thing is that I also have clear thoughts on moving forward with D, but this happens when I've fallen asleep for a short period of time then wake up (like when putting boys to bed and passing out for half an hour or so). I wake up thinking things like 'I can't believe I've been so stupid for so long' and 'H will never wake up/change'. The feeling of being finished is so intense. Mostly, I can't believe how idiotic H is. When this occurs, it almost feels like I'm getting a glimpse of how I'll feel years after D is over and done with. Really strange and hard to explain. Especially since dreams at night of H returning are so vivid and hopeful.
I read on another site that MLCer's have typically experienced a previous 'internal upheaval' and that the MLC will probably last as long as the first upheaval lasted.
That got me thinking about H's history with dealing with conflict, which is basically avoiding it. It's a defective gene that runs in his family (and hopefully will not be passed down to my boys). With strangers, he can be very confrontational. H and his brother are the type to throw the first punch at a club if provoked (H doesn't anymore, to my knowledge, but BIL does, even at his age). With family, it's avoid, avoid, avoid.
H just doesn't have the tools necessary to come out of this. The foundation is missing. The past internal upheaval was never resolved. I see no hope for H coming out of this. At least not any time soon. In the beginning of this, H even said that he imagines himself 10, 20, 30 years later sitting in a bar in a foreign country by himself, wondering what the hell the did and regretting his actions.
It's been 19 months now. I won't do this for 101 more. When I look only at the facts, the outlook for our M is dismal.
peace: I laughed when you said I have wisdom and strength. Sure doesn't feel like it most days, but thank you for that. I believe hitting bottom is a necessary step too, but I just can't see it happening in my H's sitch. My MIL will always bail him out financially, and I think that plays a big part. I also think that no matter how bad the R with ogre his, she won't leave him. Unless she found an even dumber sugar daddy with more money to waste on her, she has a good life with H that I can't imagine a person with very little self-respect would give up and go back to living how she lived before H rescued her. She won't ever give up her new lifestyle and I think H would have a hard time letting go of her, knowing she would be going back to nothing. He's dug himself in a hole so deep, I don't even think he knows which way is up anymore. I certainly hope you're right that the best is yet to come. I can believe that for myself, just not sure it holds true for my M.
