I usually just lurk here and have been for over a year, but last night I probly ruined whatever small gains that we've made and I don't know if I can keep doing this.
Background: Married 23 yrs, together 25, we have 4 children, 23, 21, near 18 and 11. I'm 46 and H is 52. We have a house full of cats, dogs & horses. I have a full time job and worked nights for 15 years while husband has been self-employed for most of that time. I started working full time days 4 or five years ago. To say it's been feast or famine is not an understatement. But we made it and we continue to do so.
My H started slowly withdrawing about 5 years ago from the family. It started as just watching tv on the porch rather than coming inside and watching with us, then he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything that he normally would want to do. He wouldn't ride as often, he didn't want to go out, etc. He was here but not fully and we just kind of joked that he was getting persnickety. When our son stopped playing college b-ball a couple years ago because his girlfriend was pregnant that's when things got real dark. He started going to bed earlier and earlier, he became more negative, he was waking up in the middle of the night and going down to couch, etc. This went on for months. I tried to to be there if he wanted to talk. I tried different approaches, sweet & sensitive, demanding and bitchy, etc. I tried leaving him alone, I tried forcing him to take part, everything.
During this time he developed a friendship with an older married woman, a client he was doing a huge remodel for. I actually knew her first and was also friendly with her on a very casual level. He spent many, many hours there and became quite attached. Can we say blazing EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. I don't know if it became physical or not. What I do know is that he bought her a $300 pair of sapphire earring for her horses birthday to make the jewels in her horses headstall.
The whole bomb thing dropped a week before Thanksgiving 2006. The whole "I'm not sure we should spend the rest of our lives together" and "we probably never should have gotten married" etc.
We limped through the rest of 2006 and for most of 2007 H spent building a house for a client in another state, coming home on weekends at first, staying with us, and then eventually staying with his dad just down the road.
He went form his initial "I'm not sure. ." statement to "I want a divorce" within a couple months. He wanted the divorce to be final by the time the house was complete. I told him that there was no way I would support that, that he didn't get to just leave us for 8 months and then just come home to a brand new shiny life while we just had to make do. Anyway, he agreed to wait to file.
While he was gone, he stayed in constant contact with MOW and when he was here he spent every weekend "working" on her house and barn. That barn, I swear, could have been built 6 times by now!
So, anyway, he finished the house in August, has been living with his Dad, filed in October, has not said much about divorce since. During one argument he said that the reason he was waiting is because his lawyer said if we waited to divorce until the end of the year we could file our taxes jointly and save him thousands in taxes.
So, that's where we are. We have made many small baby steps, have had many huge backslides and last nights back slide was one I don't think we can get through.
It got ugly, it got physical and I can pretty much say that it was all my fault! I lost control. I didn't back off. He tried to head it off and I kept coming at him.
I'm just so tired of it all. I'm tired of walking on eggshells and of being secondary and not having any rights and having to be constantly sucking it up. I'm sick of not knowing or trusting where he is and of adding up two plus two and getting seventeen, of not being able to trust my instincts anymore because I've been lied to so much, and of becoming someone I'm ashamed of. I'm tired of always being wrong. When do I get to win?
He actually seems to be reconnecting better to the kids and has been spending more positive time with them and with us but I am getting so impatient and so fricking tired of being the one who he shuts his smile off to.
There have been many positives even in his attitude towards me but, again, I'm afraid that last night I really f*cked everything up!
I have read DR cover to cover so many times, have talked to DB coaches twice and have read everything I can get my hands on. I come to these boards and see everything you guys are going through and I see my situation mirrored in yours. I am just running out of energy and hope and don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I want to be loved and respected again. I want to ML again with some one who doesn't insist that it's just sex.
I'm so sorry that I seem to be making everything worse when all I want is to make everything better.
So sorry to hear about how tough things are right now. I'm not sure I have any great advice to offer right now, other than to say that I'm thinking of you and that there are lots of people on here who will give you great advice and support- things tend to be a little slower at the weekends, but there are people around.
From reading your thread, I get the impression that you might need to do some detaching and work out a way to stop worrying about where H is and what he is doing. What have you been doing to GAL?
I work, I run, I have the kids, I had a pretty amazing life. My H is the one who stopped all interest and activities. Now, my biggest focus has become the destruction of our family
Whats done is done and you have to focus on the future.
Stop tring to guess what he is doing, where he is and what he is thinking.
You willl go crazy and still not get it right.
You need to focus on yourself.
He is out of the house and you need to find peace for yourself.
He is in his own world travelling at his own pace. You wil not speed this up in any way shape or form and that is why you have to GAL.
I know it is hard, and it will take time but leah, do it for your own sanity.
You will have down days and that is when you need to come here for support.
When you post give the others time to read and you will get excellent advice and insight.
Remember after the down days you will get up days. I find after the down days there will be a life lesson in there somewhere and I use it to become stronger.
But above all else remember, find youself and patience,patience,patience with yourself, the relationship and H.
Enlightenedbylife
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
First, I want to express empathy with what you are going through. It's misery, and I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
All I can share is what's worked for me, and that is what you keep reading on these boards and in all the literature--detach and focus on yourself. You cannot control another person,no matter how much we want to do so at times. We cannot believe what our spouses are saying and doing to us. It hurts so much. Yet, I've come to see that in the end only we can help ourselves. We must take it step by step. There will be some days that are better than others. I've been doing really well for months, but then for the last week or so I've been backsliding in terms of wondering what my W is feeling, why we seem headed for a D, etc. So try to accept that these moments will occur, but the key is to let them come and try to learn from them. Then, focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Often, doing something for someone else lifts my mood. Call a friend or family member in need. Volunteer at a charity. Find your own happiness. You may stumble in trying to locate it, but that's OK. The key is to keep trying.
Hi Leah, Sorry you're here. Not sure if there's anything I can say or do that will help. But after reading your sitch, I'm wondering if you or your DB coach really kind of examined what might be going through H's mind. In some ways, it might help you detach and GAL. So forgive me, but I'm going to take a stab at it.
My hunch is that he realized that a huge chunk of his life is behind him, and then realized that he probably isn't where he expected to be at this stage of his life. Some men look back at this point in their lives and feel some sense of satisfaction. Some guys look back and don't like what they see, and hear the ticking of the clock, and panic.
Maybe it started with him questioning his career choice, and feeling frustration that he didn't make as much as he hoped, or accomplished as much as he could have. Then, when your son got his girlfriend pregnant, he probably felt like he failed as a father. As those feelings started to mount, your relationship began to suffer. The result: a perfect trifecta. "I'm a failure at work, a failure as a father, and a failure as a husband."
Okay, so big deal. Maybe you figured this out already. Maybe you haven't. Anyway, what does this mean for you?
If I were in your shoes, I guess I would be telling myself that there's absolutely nothing that I can do or say that's going to make him feel better about himself right now. There's a lot of things you can do that can make it worse. None of us are perfect and we all backslide. But there's no excuse for getting physical. Let's hope that doesn't happen again.
At some point, he may start to question his own thinking. He may realize that he's not such a failure after all, that he provided the best he could, that he was married for 23 years, and raised some great kids. But it's probably going to be awhile before he gets to that point. Some guys never do. If he comes back, I think the big question will be...are you going to be there to take him back?
Reading your post, it really sounds like you still have way too much of your life wrapped around him and his hijinks. I'm going to pile on what everyone else is telling you about needing to detach. It's a lot easier to be patient when you're detached. So drop the rope.
Imagine he was dead and gone. He sort of is...at least the guy you used to know. If he were gone-gone, what would you be doing right now?
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I do think that he is evaluating his life and where he is in it and I don't think he is especially happy with his progress professionally and, obviously, personally.
He says he wants to "love someone with his whole heart." and although he will always love me, blah, blah, blah. . . He also says he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, that there are places in his life that are no longer any of my business, blah, blah, blah. . .
He seems to think that there is this perfect soul mate love out there who is going to fill up all the holes in his life. The irony of all this is that he was the man who taught me years and years ago that no else can make you happy, that is was not his or anyone else's responsibility to make me happy. . .that each person was responsible for their own happiness. I took those lessons and learned and found myself and my happiness from within. And I stopped looking for him to fulfill all my needs. I became active physically, I learned to ride horses and compete in Endurance, I have always been active with the kids and their schooling, I made friends, I found joy in working outside on our proerty and I loved my husband. My life was amazing, full and complete. Not perfect, but damn near.
I had a life but this last year and a half my focus has been on saving, restoring, not losing the life we built. . .and I feel like I'm failing. I need to get my life back. . .even if that means letting go of him. What a sad, sad place to be.
What upset him so much about my son quitting baseball to come home is that our son's ball was the one thing H was passionate about and H didn't have anything else to take its place. Oh, he plays golf and is quite good, his work is important, the house the property, the animals, the family all matter but what really revved his engines was N's ball. I think it was the final straw that truly pushed him into MLC squared.
Now it's his unrealistic wish of finding this perfect love that motivates him. . .
We had love, we still have physical passion and what's more, now we're getting close to the time when we'll have time to do all the stuff we planned on dong when. . .
He says he still wants to do all the stuff we talked about, he just doesn't want to do it with me. . . Ouch. . . all the things we've been waiting for he wants to share with someone he hasn't even met yet. . .he's going to give all the love and respect that he's been witholding from me for the last couple years to, at this point, a complete stranger.
Where is the justice in that? Did this phantom woman support him through his lean years? Did she provide the financial foundation for his home, business and family? Did she work for 20 years at a job to supply health insurance and a credit history that is irrefutable? Did she partner with him to bring up 4 amazing children who are all bright, talented, fun-loving and well on their way to being responsible members of society? Why is this ethereal being elevated above me and why is she going to reap the benefits to all of my hard work and sacrifices?
Wah, , ,I'm being a big, fat baby and getting a little tired of hearing myself whine!
