Hi Ali \:\) I don't know if I've ever posted to you. If I did, it was a long time ago! Some things you've said in your last posts struck a cord with me and what I've been through. Keep on the course of loving yourself first! This has made a big difference between me and my H. It was a turning point to my happiness and setting boundaries on his expectations. I also read Co-Dependent No More and had my eyes opened \:\)

My C helped me by suggesting that I start by asking myself questions about my life, my decisions and how I'm allowing others to treat me. I often ask: Does this create a loving and nurturing enviroment for me and my family? Does this create love or resentment? Is this in line with my values and goals? Is this making me stronger? Does this make me happier? Am I doing this because I want, or for someone else's approval? It's also helped me decide who in my life is a good, positive influence and who isn't. I ask: Does this person respect me? Care for me? Is this person here unconditionally for me? Do they listen and support, or try to fix and control? Do I rely too much on this person's opinion or acceptance?

Basically the C has taught me to ask a lot of questions about myself, my life and my relationships. When I'm confused, I start asking questions and it makes it easier to figure out what's causing the confusion and pain. Most of the time, it's me or my actions, but sometimes it helps me sort out where I'm allowing my H to control my happiness when I shouldn't. It also helps me to focus on what he's doing that makes me uncomfortable. Asking him specifically to respect a boundary or to not do something that's unloving has helped us. He can relate to me asking him not to criticize much better than he can relate to me telling him how his crticism makes me feel. The first makes him responsible for how he treats me, the second tries to make him responsible for my feelings.

Good luck.. sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Hope your H gets a clue and realizes what a wonderful woman he has in his life and nurtures that instead of focusing on the flaws.

Sheila