Well I am here to update my sitch..... Very long and loaded with run on sentences as usual........... \:\)

Friday nite , I spoke to my H and he asked me " WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT THE OTHER NITE?" ( wow I was impressed)

I replied " Wow, Well ......... I cant just sum it up in one word or one sentence. I think it was uncalled for , frustrating and unecessary. I love to hear your input and how you dont like this or that and then Hey I think to myself on that point he is right and I should work on that, but when you blow up like you did and attack me that is not ok." " we do not need to argue to understand one another or to express feelings."


He replied " I KNOW I DO NOT WANT TO ARGUE EITHER...."

I continued to say.......
" We both have been thru so much and we came out on the other side and we can CHOOSE to live in the past , stand STILL and not move forward. OOOOOOOOOORRRR,,,, we can live in the present and love eachother and not argue. To me there is no reason for it and you were cruel @ my leter that was rude....."

He says.... " I DID NOT SAY IT LIKE THAT, THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT........."

"I replied... " Well you hurt my feelings and you dont remember, that letter came from my heart and you dont even remember what you said CAUSE you were so heated~"

........


So anyway at least he wanted to clear the air and resolve it,,,, I am tired of being the one to always want to do that. ( his old way was to pretend we never argued act as if )

He insists I still need to change and on one hand he is right , I need to BE STRONGER regerdless of what comes my way I need to hold onto me and not let go no matter what he says or doesnt say . I need to cherish me more and rely on my love for myself more than his love for me. But he is dramatic and seems to focus so much on me he forgets he needs some polishing up too~

Funny he insists also that he is the only one who works on our R.... I wish he would just see that it is the 2 of us and we must work together,,,,, but he seems to "feel" that I just sit here looking pretty and wait..... Soooooooo not true.

I am reading a book on codependency and a lot of what is in there has been in The DB STUFF TOO. Detaching, loving yourself and putting yourself first...... I am realizing I give too much away o fme and it is not beneficial to me. And it does say how we can say to ourselves but God would want it like this for me to give and give. But that is not true .....

I see that it is still work for me to allow myself to be .....
" selfish" in my eyes.
So for me going to the gym
finding time for me
just doing nothing
standing my ground
wanting that pair of shoes I dont need.....


THOSE THINGS ARE ALL OK , It is just a part of me and it is ok to do things just for me. I need to keep knowing it is ok to have fun. And it is not selfish. When I fill myself up I have more to give and will not feel so exhausted.

Also for me anytime I have detached and moved forward and let go , it seems hubby just gets angry.
He teels me to grow and be strong and at the same time it sacres the H*ll out of him.............

Also he also said I deeply offended him when I said " he was changing = turns me on more. I feel sexual tension and energy within me" " this new you excites me"
( does that really sound rude??????) ........ ( be honest..)

" I should be like that regardless..." He replied......

I said " ya know I said I was sorry already for that, if it offended you I am sorry, but you are taking it the wrong way, it wasnt said to hurt you. I am proud of the changes you are making."
Example........... " when you say to me you hate to see me in a track suit and you want to see me dress up cause it turns you on... I am sure there are many men who would take their Wife and F**K her regardless of what she is wearing.

........ track suit and all.... so should I be offfended or take it as your personal preference?"

He replied " oh so you are saying I am an a***ole?"

"I said nothing of the sort, dont put words in my mouth... " I am merely showing you how you took what I said the wrong way."
I can walk around offended all my life or I can choose not to~"

Anyway enough babbling I feel Happy today ...... I feel like he does care and that to me means a lot.

....... he is falling FLAT on his face still but he does admit it now and he wants to fix it so to speak..... so hopefully he will keep growing.... and I think I will try not to ever compliment him again on his changes..... THAT WAS SCARY.

~( That very same nite WE HAD OUR LONG TALK he called me @ 11 pm and the first thing he said is WHO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES YOU? )~
go figure.....

Ay, ay , ay .......... I am still hoping for a Miracle like in my first threads.. I know we can make it but there is still a long road ahead ..... he needs to read D.R. too. I can dream cant I ? ;\)
God bless, Ali