Finding Supermom - #4

[lizzy]

Don't let this relationship consume your every thought, your every action.

That is some of the best advice I have heard in a long time. I hardly thought about H and my R yesterday and had the best day I have had in a long time. So hard to do, but today I feel so good about myself.

Stay strong Supermom

[blindsided1]

Hey Jenny, checking on you. Hope your day is going good.

[JennyF]

SG,
Yes this is helpful, thank you.
The problem I am having right now is that in order to focus on myself and GAL and do the DB'ing necessary (which I REALLY want to do), I have to let go of a lot of the hurt, resentment, anger, in order to focus on those exceptions.
Part of that is as you said,
"Don't let this relationship consume your every thought, your every action."
My H is moving so fast that it seems as though as soon as I get my head wrapped around something and feel ok with the status quo...BAM, he throws another curve ball. So I'm learning to expect those curve balls and take them in stride. Trying not to let them consume me.
I KNOW I need to back off and let him go down this path...and go down my own path. I am.
One of the things I need to work on in my own life is that I can easily get overwhelmed. It's fair to say I couldn't be any more overwhelmed right now with a newborn, 3 year old and having to decide whether to sell my house or not while on Mat leave all while trying to get over the end of my M and loss of the man I love. Well when you say it like that!!!
Anyway...my life lessons are what this journey of mine is about. So how do I take those circumstances, stop dwelling on the unfairness of it all and how WRONG it is...and just make the best of it for me and my kids? Well, I'm getting there.
Instead of seeing my time away from my kids and killing me inside and tearing me apart...just see as a welcome break. (by the way while H has S today, I'm going to get my hair done! AND I didn't cry when he left!).
I am working so hard to change my thinking and to allow this process to happen while I fix what is broken inside me.
It is of course hard on the relationship stuff, to believe that I am working on the R, when H is so firm there isn't one anymore. But we're co-parent's if nothing else so the comminication and opportunities are there.
And as everyone always worries, if I GAL, be his friend and look happy, he'll think I'm ok with this. And I'm not. BUT BUT BUT, the circumstances are as they are whether I'm ok with it or not. If I don't accept it, then I'm not giving it the best opportunity possible to change.

As far as the MLC goes, this helps to put into perspective H's actions. It is the ONLY way that the person he has become makes sense to me.
And you are right...this only serves to show me that this is going to be a lengthy process. What I have to do doesn't change based on this info. It just means I may not see results any time soon.
I can't get rid of this feeling in my heart that he is not done with me. I wish I had some way of knowing if this is blind faith, good intuition or just denial.
But does it matter? No, because it doesn't change what I have to do for myself.
OK...I'm talking in circles now. Thanks SG for checking in on my again. I'm hoping to get a solution journal posted by the end of the weekend with some concrete goals and actions.

Having said ALL THAT, I had a blast last night with the girls. We went out to dinner, I picked up S on the way home, put him to bed and we had a LOT of wine and stayed up until the wee hours.
Thank God for girlfriends!!!
I'm off to get my hair done!
J~

[Startingover2]

I think you are doing amazing given what you constantly have to deal with.

Thinking about you!

[Cheyenne]

Having said ALL THAT, I had a blast last night with the girls. We went out to dinner, I picked up S on the way home, put him to bed and we had a LOT of wine and stayed up until the wee hours.
Thank God for girlfriends!!!

{switching to Butch voice} Excellent kid! Glad to hear this. Hmmmm lets see...girlfriends and lots of wine ({Cheyenne arguing with IC}No! Sorry IC, I'm not going there with Jenny...get your message to her and lets move on)

I'm off to get my hair done!

{Butch voice again}And the sexy underwear?? {Cheyenne, switching back to girlie voice} "Ok IC, you're done! You're gonna get us both in trouble"

- Cheyenne, who is also missing IC's posts

[JennyF]

Thank you Cheyenne...and about the undies...haven't quite gotten there yet. Soon.
But my hair looks great!

I went straight from the salon to pick up S. I went inside to see D as well. She was in a really great mood and was really cute with me. She didn't cry or anything when I left...I was really proud of her. Actually I was proud of me too because even though I could feel it welling up inside...I didn't.
SIL gave me a tight hug when I was leaving. She saw me fighting the tears, but I made into the car before they released! PHEW!
Anyway, I hope he noticed how great my hair looked.

My mind has been going in circles again today trying to accept this current reality. I called my Mom and let it out...she's a Supermom too! She just let me dump it all out. I felt better afterward...but I'm frutrated with myself that I'm having such a hard time with it. I want to be able to accept this so that I can work on myself knowing I'll be ok with or without him. And truly I know I will make it work either way. Piece of cake.
The hard part is believing that there's a possibility it is really over. The more time that goes on, the stronger this feeling is in me that it's got to work out. I thought it was supposed to go the other way???

I'm procrastinating again with these legal papers. S is going with H tomorrow morning for a few hours again so I'm planning to tackle them then.
My biggest hope is that once all this shakes out with the lawyers, it won't be in his financial best interest to sell the house. If that's the case, I may get some breathing room.


Well, I have a brutal chest cold and didn't get much sleep last night what with the wine and the girl talk until 3 AM...so I'm climbing into bed with a good book early tonight.
J~

[lizzy]

Jenny,
I get the feeling that H is done w/ me either too and as time drags on I think more and more that he may snap out of it all.

I am sure you are rocking your new hair. You may have to change your nickname to SuperHotmom

[blindsided1]

Hey Jenny, I'm glad you had a great time with the girls the other night. You are doing amazingly well. It always makes me feel good to get my hair done. Keep plugging away, do what you have to do, for you and the kids. Keep going out. You're doing a great job with the kids and not crying. I know that's a tought one for you. Like you said to me 4 months isn't that long, really. Neither is 5 1/2. Hang in there. I have faith that H R with OW isn't all it's cracked up to be. Is he a stubborn man? If that's the case maybe he's trying to prove to himself that what he's doing is the right thing, by not waivering. How else would he be able to sleep at night?

[JennyF]

Well...Supermom is spent!
This cold is knocking me out.

I finally finished most of what I needed to with the papers for the lawyers. I will be dropping them off to her on Wed. Then...let the games begin. Have I mentioned how much I HATE this?!

The past few days (ever since my little backslide with H last week) I am suddenly having a hard time letting go again.
The papers make everything so real. I love my children more than anything in the world...but besides them I hate my life right now. I hate what is happening with them too. And I hate not having a choice in any of it.
So I know I need to start to make choices for myself given these circumstances. Once all the paper work is sorted out I'll know better what my options are financially. My hope is that it won't benefit H for me to buy him out or for us to sell the house and that will buy us some time.

I've been crying a lot. Today while I was finishing papers I sobbed like a little baby. And then like a little kid I actually called my Mom and asked her to come to my house just to give me a hug. She did. Thank God for Mom's! It's amazing how just that hug made me feel better. She and my step-dad stayed for dinner helped with the kids. It was so good to have them here.

Anyway, tomorrow night H is coming here to be with the kids and I am going out. I have a function for work. It's a formal dinner, so I'm looking forward to getting all dolled up. I'm fitting into a dress that I haven't worn since H and I went to a wedding 4 years ago. At least he'll be here to see me in it!

Well I'm off to bed. I have a lot of sleep to catch up on.
J~

[Miss IC]

Hey Supermom...or should I say Supermom(s) as it sounds like you have one yourself.

Yea, you get the real deal tonight. No Saffie, No Cheyenne...just plain old IC dressed up in Miss IC's clothes {damn, how do you women wear these thongs anyway }

I'm sorry to hear of your day and I'm at a loss for how things are progressing with your husband. I don't know what the future holds for you two, but I've got a pretty good idea of what it holds for YOU. You're too strong of a woman to NOT come out of this in a good way.

Keep up the GAL and concentrate on doing it for YOU and not for a reaction from husband..k? You'll enjoy it more and it'll do ya more good.

Ok, I gotta go take this thong off...it's starting to cut-off circulation to my brain

Goodnight kid

- IC, or is it Miss IC? You be the judge