All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

I wish you could see, for a minute, how pursuing your behavior appears to me. Your moods, postings and the way you experience your days (your LIFE) are almost exclusively based on your interpretation of HIS actions/words/inaction/silence....
You are giving him all the power over your life. That also effects your kids too,sadly. It shows them they have no control over their own happiness, because you don't.

You went on the trip, to show him...what? That he can leave the family home but still get to "play family guy" when he feels like it, or maybe you thought you could prove that you're easy going and being in the family is a wonderful rewarding thing that isn't all about having expectations of him... The one thing we know he feels is burdened. Right or wrong, he feels unfairly burdened. So you all go on the trip and you say you managed to have fun. Great. Why not let that sink in with him? Why comment on it? YOU wrote him a Thank you note, and to me, it was with obvious expectations of a response from him.

You are teaching him that every time you manage to relax, he really cannot, because you will say or do something to check in with him about a new "status" report....waiting to see, hear or feel a sign of his return or change in the R or his plans, etc. In other words, just when he can maybe take a breather, enjoy some family time, you remind him of the ties you want to maintain.....the very same ties that make him feel tied down.

I know I'm being hard on you, but I think you ought to really talk with a DB counselor b/c I could be way off, but seems to me you do obsess and pursue and you are not very happy with the results... Where are the real 180s?
Substantial 180's, like NOT worrying about the future of your M for a week...

Asking him to take you to his BIL's birthday....(or anywhere for that matter) what are you thinking? Keep the pretense going? WHY? WHY? Does this further your goal? I mean, he is not very afraid of losing you and from what I can tell, he has nothing to worry about there. So, he can have his space when he wants, and he can have his family man time whenever he wants. And you'll lap up whatever scraps he might throw out. Why not just be warm and upbeat when you're around him, so he can contrast that with his lonely life by himself.

My DB coach did say to "applaud loudly" for anything positive that my h did. And that was often hard, given the crappyness of the situation for me. But the DB coach also said that while giving positive affirmation is hugely important, it's negated if it's immediately followed with expectation. That makes them feel manipulated, and probably should. Because it is. A compliment given with a needy silence following it (e.g., "do I also look good?" "Don't you think MY gift was thoughtful as well?" etc). Or pouting and ruminating b/c you didn't get affirmed back, or invited or joined, etc. are all examples of what I mean.

Say or do something positive and end the discussion so it's obvious he doesn't have to say or do anything in response. He can just absorb the positive. Like the vacation, why not just let it sink in for him? HE KNOWS if he had fun. You don't have to confirm it, and then await his response, which of course you've scrutinized and analyzed ad nauseum. You are doing what my sister did when her ex left her and it just does not help.

I cannot say your h will respond the way mine did, when the light went off in MY head, that I'd be alright with or without him. I began looking forward to teaching in Italy for a semester, doing things without having to take HIS work and career into consideration first, which I did for decades. Suddenly there was a lightness in my life, even with the hurt, I knew I'd started to heal. HE noticed too. HE began to wonder things like "where is everyone?" He got very lonely, which is what his choices lead to.
I could not and would not go through this again. Frankly, HE knows this and I think that HELPS. If nothing else, it helps ME to know it. Make sense?

The positives in your sitch are his frequent communications,which I suggest NEVER initiating unless a child is really sick. I would also be the one to end the conversation. You're busy with your new interesting life, not angry. Why would you be angry? (I'm saying this for purposes of behavior around your h) You're not an angry person....you're fun and light hearted, remember?

To sum up, I feel like your GAL mainly consists of tiny 180's immediately followed by looking over your shoulder hoping he noticed and comments... I could be wrong, but That is not really GAL is it? Aren't there classes or things you could now force yourself to make time for, that you always wanted to do? What about a trip somewhere? My trip to Italy, with the kids, helped ME and the KIDS and I think it started some wheels turning in H's mind. Like I said, for ME it was incredibly enjoyable and empowering. It was the opposite of pursuing and just before the trip, H wanted to come. I muttered a bit but said no, because HIS schedule would hinder us (never has enough leave to go anywhere and leaves early or arrives late), etc and we ALWAYS accomodated that. Nope, not for that trip. Later, h started scheduling his vacation to coincide with the kids, like a father/husband should and he did that on his own, instead of me checking 10 times to nag him to put in for leave, etc. Unprecedented...

I'm not enabling that stuff anymore but I'm letting him face the consequences without negative feedback for him. IOW, "oh well, better luck next time" and I think he was really upset we went without him. But that's what happens when you act half single half married, etc.

I have a great job here, but I know what's important in life. If he picks a job over us again, we're done and he'd be a fool. Same with your h. He thinks the grass is greener somewhere else. But The grass is greener where it gets watered the most.

But you really need to let him discover this. I fear you are not. I fear you are not "getting it" as far as detachment. It isn't being cold, per se. But it is definitely NOT being needy.

SOrry if this 2 x 4 hurts too much. Others may see things differently. I just want you to have good times with him WHEN they happen, and let go of it. Move on to your next wonderful adventure in YOUR life. HE doesn't have amnesia. You don't have to remind him. That's pressure on a man who feels it too much just now. Back off. Try to get A DB coach appt if you can b/c I really think you'd get a lot of specifics for yourself.

((( j- ))