on hold

[stella_k]

Hi Jen, thanks for asking. Means a lot to me.

I'm afraid that I'm having a major meltdown.

H didn't call for 8 days now, it's his record! I know that there are people on the board who haven't heard from their WAS for months, but my H was always a "nice" MLCer and called every day at the beginning, then every 3 days. It's been a year, and it's not getting any better...

I have a feeling that going dark will not work for me, that he gets more and more involved with the OW and their R is only getting stronger with me out of sight.
Nor I think he truly misses me.

Not that I could do anything about it now, I feel so helpless...

I didn't call my H, and I will not, doesn't matter how much it hurts, but I have this overwhelming urge TO DO something, to end the uncertainty, even if it will end my M as well.

Yesterday I went for a long walk and had to return because I started to cry and was afraid to run into somebody I know.

And then a friend of mine dropped in for a glass of wine. He is much older, a fatherlike figure for both H and me, and the only person I thought I could trust with my sitch. So, I've decided to spill it out, and then I didn't. Just couldn't bring it up.

After a lousy day there was an equally dreadful night.Couldn't sleep at first and when I finally dozed off I had a dream about H and me on the bus, talking. Then all of a sudden he gets up and leaves without a word, I watch him from the window as he walks away, without so much as a single look back. I manage to get out at the next stop and take subway home but got lost in some sort of a labirinth - a meaningful dream.

Sorry that I'm dripping with misery... feels good to be able to vent.

And yes, I started the Dong Quai yesterday, will report the results (if any):)

Thanks for listening.