Kim, I think you're so brave to post here as many times people who are the OP get blasted. I commend you for that and think it shows how serious you are. Especially since you have ended it with the OM.
If the C you are seeing doesn't seem to be cutting it for you after another session or two, find another! I ditched my first one.
It's good that you were able to talk small-talk with your H at dinner. It's a good way to reconnect and find yourselves again. But to really and truly R, you may want to fully disclose the extent of your A. I know it's a scary thought.
As much as my H's A hurt me, it was like a 911 wake-up call for me. I knew we had problems but had not faced them. The A made me do it. Today we're well on the way to reconciling. I wish it had not happened this way but that's water under the bridge. Yes, it's going to hurt your H. And it will make things rough for him. But honesty is necessary in a R. And in the long run, it should help your R.
Keep up with the small steps. So far you're doing great.
thanks for checking in...I have to keep this short we are heading out to a dinner for his racing in a few minutes. I have been really giving it some serious thought about telling H about the A fully. I know what you are saying about the A give you a wake up call. I do. But I have to keep reminding my self that small stead steps will get me to the end much faster than huge leaps forward and then backward, becuase I know there will be those too. But I do stuggel with the fact that I lost what I thought was a very good friend over this whole mess.
Kim, It's certainly your choice to tell him or not. Do you think if you tell him now or he finds out someway, somehow in a year or two, that it would be better?
I was trying to think how I would react to that. My H had the A, if it had ended but he didn't tell me, but I found out some day, would it be easier to take than me finding out about it before it was over? Probably because I wouldn't have to go through the pain of living with OW in our lives. But it would still hurt.
Joie, Figure Eight Demolition...Normally happens at county fairs, and festivals throughout the state. So its an all summer long thing, which sucks we have yet to got on a summer family vaction any where. This is a big thing for me. I remember going on camping trips with my family, we went to the Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes, the UP and various places up there, and places like that. Our D has been to Traverse City serveral times, with MIL and her H, and she has been places with my parents but we have NEVER taken her any place other than with us to the fairs and festivals. And this is just a drive in to where they are and back home that night.
Today was a bit rough for me. We had a bowling tournament for the union that H belongs to. Let me start with last night...One of the problems that I have with H, he feels that what ever he says goes, for EVERYTHING. He thinks that he is listening to me but it always and I mean always comes down to the fact that he will still do what he wants to. Yes I have told him this and have called him out on this several times. But its just not sinking in. I don't know what else I can do about it. I am also telling him about other things that I would like him to do and still for a little bit he does it but then goes back to the behavior that he did before me saying anything. Last night it came up, which I knew that it would, about the rear end that he wants to get, and wants two of them. The total cost is 3500, I am pretty much against this for a couple of reasons. One he has known that he wants this and has done NOTHING to save for it, and two I just can not see spending that much money on something like that. He racing always comes first, and I have to wait to get things done around the house. Example, the drainage pipes in the house have needed to be replaced for over 5 years now. They have been leaking for that long, but he has gotton plenty of parts and cars for racing instead of fixing the plumbing in the house. I could go on and on about things but I have been blamed for score keeping and focusing on the negative too much, so I won't. I have been told that I need to focus on the postive stuff that goes on.
So today I kept thinking did I do the right thing, is THIS what I REALLY want. I keep thinking why did I work so hard to keep this guy when he was thinking about leaving me? I don't know why other than she could have him. I wish at that point I would not have tried so hard, sad to say.
Ok update since yesturday...I will have to give the condensed version, because I am at work and don't have much time, but its worth while to get this out.
OK last night after I posted, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and felt I could not talk to H about it because I didn't want him to find out about the A. So I made up an excuess to get out of the house and go over to OM(I know this is VERY BAD). H called while I was over there and even drove by, EEK. Now that I think about it I really don't know why I did go over there because all that I accomplished was getting myself back into trouble. Ask OM to think about taking me back(even worst), which he desided that he would under a couple conditions, first and for most that I would leave H, and that I would have to work on getting his trust back. I agreed to those conditions and thought all was good again...UNTIL... I got home.
H asked what I went over there to talk to OM about, I flat out told him, to talk about leaving you.(ouch!!) H of course did all the wrong things, but we did talk, ALOT. About alot of the things that have been bothering me about our R. And YES he does know about the A, that came out in our talk, and fully knows about everything. There were a couple of good things about last night, D was not home, they are off school today and she spent the night at my mom and dads. And we are staying together and working on our R to get it back to what we had before.
Now there was one thing that happened last night that I told him that he needs to give it a little bit more thought, and not make a decsion on a whim. He wants to get out of racing, period. Sell all of his stuff and get out of it. He knew what it was doing to us and our family but last night really made him think about it. I was like I think Joie said, it was a 911 wake up call.
H of course is going through all of the anger and sadness right now so he is not the greatest guy to be around but I know it is the process that he needs to get through before we start working on our R. We have C appt on Wednesday but I told him that he needs to go to a couple alone for him to get his head back on straight and let the C deside when its OK for me to come back into the sessions with him. I have a C appt on Tuseday, which was a reschdule from last week Wednesday. I think that if I would not have been reschuled I would have been able to deal with this whole sitch a bit better than I did.
There is one thing that H is having a hard time getting around. That when I came home from OM house I was ready to leave him again, and in the couple hours that we talked I was not agian. He said that he is going to have to learn to trust me again. Which I completely understand, I had to with him. Funny thing about this is he is helping me with the problem of having to break up with OM and I am helping through the process of dealing with finding out about the A.
Ok this is a bit longer that I thought but I got it all out there.
Kim, Wow. I know it was hard. But I read your previous post, about how your H just didn't seem to "hear your" complaints with him and the M, and the racing, and the same answer came to me ... to tell him about the A. That is the only way for him to truly realize how unhappy you are.
No, you shouldn't have gone to see OM, but I see why you did. And now everything is out in the open. They say everything happens for a reason...
You're right that your H is going through a lot of emotions right now. Give him some space.
Thanks for checking in Joie... I am giving H as much space as he wants. I am letting him come to me and talk to me about the A I am not forcing anything on him right now. I KNOW what he is going through. I want to call him and check up on him but I don't because I don't want to seem over baring right now. But interestingly enough he called me this after noon at work just to see how I was, and to see if I was busy at work. That has NEVER happened, but with what went down on Sunday I am sure that I will be saying that a whole lot in the next little while. He was also wondering why he had not gotten any e-mails from me so I asked him if he wanted me to e-mail him, and his reply was if you want to.
He has desided to sell all of his racing stuff. I just wanted him to make sure that that is what he wanted before he started to call all the guys to start selling it off. But what he does not sell to his buddies will be hitting E-bay soon. He knows that he will beable get more for some of the parts that he has than what the guys around here are willing to pay for it.
But that is really all I have time for. Will update more as we go along. Actually have to go to my C appt in a bit here.
Kim, He's selling all his racing stuff! Wow!! I think that says, without him having to say a word, that he wants to work on the M. He has definitely realized that there are problems.
Joie, Now that he has had a couple of days to think about it and talk to some of the other guys in racing. I think it won't be a 'get rid of it all' right now. A couple of the guys suggested to keep the car that he has ready to go and race a couple of the local shows and have a farwell tour, so to speak. I am all for that. I told him all along that I wanted him to make sure before he started to call the guys to sell the stuff to. Yes he does realize that there are problems. I like my FIL, when H called to tell him about quiting racing, my FIL said to H "well you do do alot of stuff and only think about you." This is coming from his dad. So I think that H as had a reality check from a couple different people.
Yes it will be a long haul, this I know. We have been married for all intense and purposes for 15 years now, Anny on 3-13.
I am doing fine, its kind of strange though, I don't miss OM like I did last week. I think part of it is the fact that I can now talk to H about it openly and honestly.
