Please help...need MLC advice

[tpaschal]

Bomb,

Thanks for the recommendation. I will check out momof2girls thread later tonight.

I am going to get back on some meds. I hate needing them, but I know I do right now. I'll be fine for several days or even a few weeks, and then....bam! Right back into the pit.

As for taking him back someday....well, I just hope I get the chance to hear him ask. Will have to pray that I get the chance, and then that God will give me the wisdom to handle it according to His will.

[brandnewday]

I had to take meds for a year and I went to see a therapist 3 times a week for the first 6 months after the bomb.

Who cares what people think?

You do what you need to do to survive

[tpaschal]

Soonerlady,

Very good advice. I've known for months that I need to get on a regular exercise plan, but I just seemed to be....stuck. But a friend and I have made pact. We start walking tomorrow!

Thanks for looking in on my sitch.

[tpaschal]

So, I've been posting some on others threads, but haven't updated my own in a while.

Actually, I have a question that maybe some of you have faced? I'm going out of town next weekend (the trip is a gift from friends) and it is H's weekend to have the kids. I let him know about my trip several weeks ago, and then reminded him of it this past week.

He has never taken the kids both nights of a weekend before, (because OW has to move out for the nights that the kids are there, so the kids' time at his apt. has been veeeery limited.) I wanted to make sure he remembered he would have to take them both nights this weekend.

He asked whether he could stay at the house with the kids. I made some kind of noncomittal response.

How do I handle this?

I would feel terribly uncomfortable with him here, for a lot of reasons.

Feedback, please.

[CMNM]

Hmm... I guess I am wondering why you would feel so uncomfortable?
It is probably best for the kids to stay in their own home. I would have to say it would probably be good for him to be there, too!

Buy yourself some flowers and put them on your nightstand. Put some sexy new undies in the drawer. Bet he'll look!

You are getting great advice from Bomb and others.
You can do this!!!

Pam

[tpaschal]

Hmm... I guess I am wondering why you would feel so uncomfortable?
It is probably best for the kids to stay in their own home. I would have to say it would probably be good for him to be there, too!

Buy yourself some flowers and put them on your nightstand. Put some sexy new undies in the drawer. Bet he'll look!

You are getting great advice from Bomb and others.
You can do this!!!

Pam

Well, first you have to realize that my H is actively pushing for a divorce right now. He wants it done, he wants it over with, he's been trying to bully me into getting it done and when that didn't work he's recently tried to be Mr. Nice Guy and convince me that if I will just go along with his plan and hurry it along he'll make me a nice offer. He WANTS A DIVORCE, and he wants it NOW.

Two main reasons I would feel uncomfortable. First, because the house is not looking perfect right now. And I know there is no realistic way to get it looking perfect before I leave on Friday.

Now, the kids and I do NOT live in a pigsty, and my friends who come over to visit would never in a million years think that I've got a messy house. It's normal. It's a home, not a showplace. BUT, it is also quite a menagerie. I've got 3 kids, 2 big dogs, and 4 cats in a big, big (5200 sq. feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 toilets) house. Even though I am not working, my kids are all very busy, and it is a LOT to keep up with. I've been cleaning out kids closets and the playroom and so on in preparation for a garage sale, and also in case we have to move soon, and for the mental benefit of purging some of the JUNK we have, but it is nowhere close to being done. There are bags and boxes upstairs that have not been hauled away, and stacks of crap in the guest room that need to be sorted through.

Now, CMNM, I seem to remember you mentioning something about being a perfectionist, and me identifying with that? On top of that put him being extremely critical of stuff around the house, and there's the problem. I think with the frame of mind he is in right now, it would just be ammunition for him to say---this is why I left!

Of course, it is not true, and when he lived at home he pitched in and helped around the house and for the last couple of years (since we moved into the big house) I had a maid service a couple of times a month. Now I've had it all on my own for a year with no partner, no maid service, no help at all except for my 13 year old, so some things have fallen into disrepair. (Plumbing issues with toilets, sinks and showers that I cannot afford to repair.)

The cooking, dishes, and laundry get done, and the bathrooms get cleaned, but who has time to polish the furniture or the kitchen cabinets? Who has time to clean the glass doors more than once in a great while? Not me. And since he is looking at everything with such a critical eye right now, I think he would find fault with everything!! The OW, on the other hand, has no kids, a 1400 sq. foot apt., and only works part time. I'm sure that apt. is spic and span. I feel like I would suffer even more in comparison.

And I'm tired of attacks like that and tired of defending myself.

Which leads to reason number 2. Lately he's been trying to find fault with me as a mother. I do not think he really wants custody of the kids, but I think he wants to appear to the judge as a very loving and concerned father who will swoop in and "save" the kids should I turn out to be a bad mom. You know what I mean? I know the OW helped him make out a list of my recent bad behavior. It is ridiculous (I've let the potted plants by the front door die and the leaves haven't been raked) and I don't think a judge would give that a moment's consideration. But I wouldn't put it past him to take pictures of every messy closet he could find, etc., etc., and make up stories about how I'm neglecting the kids.

Also, my private files are on my computer, all private bills and correspondence are filed in the desk, and even things like this website would be easy for him to find.

And right now I cannot put anything past him. He is NOT in a place of wanting to reconnect like some others, he is pushing HARD for a divorce.

We also have NO temporary orders in place saying who has possession of what, so I could conceivably come home to all my furniture and personal things being gone. I don't like to think he would do that, but right now I cannot put anything past him.

I see on some threads where people have said, oh so and so's MLC Husband is one of the worst I've heard of. Well, most of the time I can say, yep, my H has done that too. My H IS one of the worst cases I've read about on these boards.

So to even think about letting him stay here fills me with incredible anxiety. I've been thinking that to have him stay here I would first have to pay to have a cleaning service come in, move all my books, files, jewelry and other belongings to a friend's house and lock the door to the guest room and tell him he can sleep in the master. (I don't think he planned on staying in the master bedroom.)

So...what say you all?

[tpaschal]

Anyone? Suggestions, advice? To let him stay, or not to stay.

I do know that he asked his lawyer last week about a petition for an expedited trial. So, he is still pushing pushing pushing to get a D.

I don't know if letting him stay in the house shows good will, or just lets him feel in control while making me feel uncomfortable about letting him step over my boundary.

[tpaschal]

^ bump

Anyone? Please?

[leahsbeau]

No. Why invite more anxiety into your life?

[bombardier50]

Hey Tpas,

As a male, I'm going to try and get inside your H's brain, the mess that it is, and theorize why he's in such a big azz hurry. And the main thing I come up with is that he's blitzing you to keep you off balance and prevent you from mounting any sort effective defense. His lawyer may be encouraging him to do that...I don't know. But I think you need to get in contact with your attorney and relate all of your concerns. He's bum-rushing you and he needs a good swift kick in the groin to slow him down.

Bomb