I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

Sounds like XW's had tremendous issues and you don't sound to me like you have at any at all.

Thanks, Eve! I have lots of issues - mostly with self-esteem/confidence and with irritability/anger. Especially at PMS time I could be very difficult to live with. I knew it and tried to get a grip on it, but still. . . The last couple of years were pretty stressful and that tainted everything. C helped me to see, though, that it took both of us to get to the crisis in our M. I thought it was all me. C said that H had a responsibility to tell me if he had issues in the M and to work on those together. She also helped me to see that anyone would have been frustrated by some of H's passive-aggressive behaviour. One good thing about me is that I always want to be a better person than I am (and there's plenty of room for improvement). I really admire my H in a lot of ways and felt like I was a better person with H and I have told him that over the years.

Do you really think he has OW or is it more MLC?

I don't think he has OW, but I wouldn't be shocked to learn that he does. So far, there is no evidence that he does and he says there isn't. But, when I ask him, he responds shortly and with irritation - not like an innocent man. It was interesting b/c I read some stuff on "gaslighting" and the writer said that a loving response to such concerns would be to reassure your spouse - find out why they were worried about OP and then change behaviors so that the doubts would go away. A couple of years ago, I had worries about OP and H was simply mad at me for asking, unwilling to discuss, and continued to be unattentive. This is when we were on vacation with other couples and really, for me at least, the beginning of our problems.

Well done on the phone call, is it something you can build on? Keep the lines of communication open. Maybe try calling him or texting him once a week? My H responds better to me via the phone/text than he can face to face.

Thanks for the suggestion - I have been paranoid about initiating contact. For two reasons - one is that I haven't taken the "don't pursue" strategy very seriously. The other is that H usually doesn't answer the phone when I call or acknowledge my messages. So, I only call if I have "business" with him. Small progress last night - I had to let him know that his dentist office had left a message on home phone. I got H's vm as usual, but he actually called back to let me know that he got the message. I was on another call, so we just traded vm's.
I may try just a friendly "how are you" call as you suggest - something has to break the stalemate. . ..