Confusion of a WAW (Thread 7)

I got a chuckle out of the old cougar too. You think if her coworkers are saying that about her that she would have the sense to step back and look at the "R" w/ the OM. I have been on those long silent rides too. Glad she got chatty on the ride back.

She's processing a lot right now - I'll fill in at the bottom

Maybe she picked Red Lobster so you wouldn't get the wrong idea. I know my H loves to say he doesn't want to give me false hope yet he constantly does stuff that merits a WTF.

As for the comment about it doesn't matter anymore...she probably won't remember saying it. And again, WTF does that mean. WAS certainly are great at making ambiguous statements.

We had to go to the mall to get a gift for her co-workers wife who's birthday is also today - Red Lobster just happened to be across the street, and she said she thought she would like it. Actually worked out more expensive than if we went to the other place.

When I brought up the nice restaurant, she commented that she wasn't dressed for it tonight, but that we could go another day and maybe go with some friends. Weird.

Hope she likes her gifts. I decided not to get one for H as his in two weeks as he didn't even take Ds to get me one for m bday. Ds will get one for him which obviously will be my idea. I already know "they" are going to get him something for a hobby of his that I haven't been very supportive of all the time. H will have to spend time w/ me on bday as D10 has a competition that day. Enough of me.

It almost sounds like you're going for an 'eye for an eye', rather than doing what you really feel comfortable with... Don't not get him a gift because he didn't get you one. Maybe he'll feel bad about not getting you something and a spark will go off in his head.

Glad you ended up having a good evening. Can't remember the last time we did something together as a couple. The fact that she was willing to go to dinner with you seems like a plus to me.

Last night was fun - Today was even better (I think). I got up early and went out to run some errands. W called me while I was out and said she'd been up most of the night because of a problem at work - We talked about it for a while, then we agreed we'd go run some other errands together and pick D up at lunch time. Ended up picking D up at 3pm

I took gifts over to W's house, but said we'd open them when D was around. W was still getting ready, so I went upstairs with her and we talked while she did her hair and all that stuff. There was a LOT of things in that conversation which opened my eyes.

1) She went off her anti-depressants. Not sure when exactly this happened, but it was in the last 4-6 weeks. She said that it made her feel foggy, but that she was going to see a psychiatrist who is in the same practice as her therapist. Hopefully she will actually do that.

2) She told me that she experiences a lot of anxiety, and after she went off her anti-depressants, a lot of her old problems came back (tension headaches, having problems dealing with stuff). She realizes that she needs to be on something, but she isn't sure what works best. I suggested that she talks to someone and maybe tries something I've had in the past - She really brightened up when I said that, and told me that the stuff I had really helped her.

3) She said a lot of her problems are related to how she deals with people and that she is very unhappy with her life right now. I didn't really get into much discussion about that, but we both agreed that medication isn't going to fix it all.

W told me she needed a new outfit for her dinner tonight, so off we went - Wandered around a mall for a hour or so, got coffee together then got something small for lunch. W told me over and over how tired she was, but that she was happy she worked on the problems in the night because she got praise from the VP she works under - I told her I was very proud of her.

After lunch we drove 30mins or so to the other side of town - I had to return a few things to a store, so while I did that W went to wander around. I found her a little later with a pile of books she wanted. Then someone called out my name, which is obviously weird, and it was a guy who used to work for a past client of mine. We talked for a while, and W introduced herself as my W. We're all in the same industry, so W joined in the conversation and we shared contact info. Well, that kicked W off into a spin about how we should get together and do work on the side, since we know so many people and we can find lots of projects. Not the first time she has brought this up, but she's talked about it a lot in the last week or two. I figured I might make some calls this weekend and see what I can drum up.

We finally went to pick up D from the ILs, a little later than the 'noon' guess I gave them this morning. D was fast asleep, so we waited a while for her to wake up and we left because W had to go out to her dinner at 5:15. We talked a lot on the way home about all sorts of things. W was REALLY stressed about getting home on time, but she didn't get mad at me about it - Just said that it was making her irritable and jittery.

Got back to W's house, and I took D in to change her and get her some snacks. W opened her gifts and got really excited. She also opened her cards and thought they were funny. She thanked me over and over for them, and told me that she felt she didn't deserve them. She initiated hugs and kisses, which was nice. I quickly gathered D up, since W had to get ready to go, and she hugged me again, we did ILY/ILYT and we were getting ready to leave - W stopped me and said she'd probably not stay out late tonight because she wasn't feeling good and she didn't really care much for the people she was going with. I told her she wanted to be home to play with the stuff I got her, and she said probably, but that she just felt under the weather. I told her I'd be around with D in the morning, then we could go to her parents for her b/day in the afternoon together.

So, I guess things are pretty 'okay' right now - She's obviously okay spending time with me, and she's talking a lot about how she feels and trying to better understand her problems. She talks over and over about a girl at work that OM has a thing for, so I guess there is some envy or conflict there, but I guess it's better she talks about it than it eats her from the inside out.

I typed way too much...

[JennyF]

Hey Brit,

She went off her anti-depressants. Not sure when exactly this happened, but it was in the last 4-6 weeks.

This explains a lot doesn't it? She probably went off them right before you and D moved in with her.

Anyway, sounds like you guys are getting along well enough, that's great. You guys obviously have a great friendship...this is a great place to start!
J~

This explains a lot doesn't it? She probably went off them right before you and D moved in with her.

Maybe, maybe not - She probably stopped while we were living together. I know she filled the prescription just after New Year, but I don't think she filled the next one.

Anyway, sounds like you guys are getting along well enough, that's great. You guys obviously have a great friendship...this is a great place to start!

It's strange - This weekend we've been doing a lot of things that we used to do eons ago when we were first together. The places we go, the time we spend doing stupid stuff... It's all very confusing - Probably for both of us.

I IM'd my W around 10 this morning to ask if she wanted me to bring D over - She talked a bit about her night out with her friends, which sounded like it got a crazy, as she didn't get home until 4am. She asked if we wanted to take D out for soup for lunch, which has become our usual Sunday routine now, so I said I'd be over before noon. D and I went out and ran some errands together, then went by W's house. Off we went for lunch, which ended up kind of nuts since D didn't want to sit still at all. W called her Mom while we were out, and it ended up that her birthday thing was postponed until next weekend because her sister's kids are sick. So, I figured I'd be leaving W at her house with D and doing my own thing this afternoon. Not even close.

W suggested we go to Wal-Mart with D and pick up some new shoes for her, new toys and some other things. D was getting sleepy, but we went anyway and found all sorts of fun things. W mentioned she needed something for her computer that I got her for her birthday, so we decided to let D sleep in the car and drove back across town to go to the computer store - Ended up running by W's house on the way to pick up some things for D, plus W had forgotten her credit card. D was fast asleep, but woke up just as we got there, so we played with her in the store and picked up what W needed. We ended up running by downtown together since I needed to do something at a datacenter I used to work at, so we all went in and D ran around the office like a lunatic while I was busy. Drove back in the direction of W's house - Oh, she has a roast beef, so she is going to cook that... Went back to W's house, she started dinner, I went to Home Depot and worked on fixing her bathroom sink while she was watching D, then we all had dinner together. W did bath time with D afterwards, so I did the washing up and put everything away - That's a 180 for me, although W didn't acknowledge it in any significant way. After D went to bed I pretty much got my stuff together and left - W was talking to OM on her computer, so I just bailed out. Got a hug, kiss and ILY when I left.

Interesting things:

1) W ran some guilt trips today to have me do things with her and D - She kept telling me that I didn't have to go places if I had things to do. Of course I didn't have things to do, because I left the afternoon open for your birthday party that didn't happen. So, now, just over a week after she told me she didn't want to spend time with me anymore, SHE is playing with my head to make me spend more time with her... I did tell her I had one things to do, but she asked if she could come along. Oh, and this was her weekend with D, so she didn't really need me around if she wanted to spend time with D. wtf?

2) W and I were talking about some interesting cities to live in, and she mentioned that she didn't want me to move until D was much older - Told her I had no plans to move anywhere right now. She mentioned a couple of places that it'd be fun for me to move to, because "I could come and hang out". Yeah, because divorced couples always go and hang out together 10 years afterwards...

3) W talked some about being unhappy and of her confusion. She really keeps pushing me to find things to keep her busy - I might even go as far as saying she wants something to occupy her time (work projects and such). I get the impression she really dislikes her job right now and wants to find an activity that gives her more of a purpose... I really have no idea how to accomplish that right now, but I'm going to get her setup with some part-time work with a few people I used to work with.

4) She pretty much talks none stop to me all the time we're together - She'll just say stuff out of the blue that is totally out of context, as if she has been wanting to say it for a while, but didn't know the time or place. Pretty typical, I think, when you've got a lot on your mind, but feel really uncomfortable talking about any of it.

5) W talked about coming over to my house and doing painting and helping me get stuff set up. Said she'd pick up some color swatches so we can figure out what will look best in various places. She suggested coming over tonight at first, but since she had D, she said she'd come over another night.

6) W is very tolerant and, maybe, relaxed around me. I don't know what is going on on the inside, but she doesn't seem to get as wound up being with me like she used to. Of course, she could just be faking it and not wanting to deal with any of the conflict. There have been times when she tells me that I'm doing something annoying, or that it makes her uncomfortable, but things like hanging out in her kitchen while she is working in there don't seem to cause the same problems.

I naturally expect that all of this will change in the next week or two, and she'll get all quiet and withdrawn again. I'm not sure if I should continue to be dark towards her until she initiates contact, or if she expects me to 'step up' and do some things for her...

Any ideas/

Talked to W for a bit on IM tonight. Ended up having a conversation after W told me OM's apartment building is getting foreclosed..

Turned into this:

(10:52:06 PM) W: I know it sounds selfish, but I am really focused on getting my [censored] together right now
(10:52:16 PM) M: that's not selfish at all
(10:52:52 PM) W: one thing I've never done over the years is figured out how to succeed on my own
(10:54:12 PM) M: I think you'll feel a lot of accomplishment as do that
(10:54:19 PM) M: it's quite refreshing
(10:54:30 PM) W: I think so
(10:54:42 PM) W: I've been incredibly codependent
(10:55:41 PM) M: did you talk to your therapist about that much yet?
(10:55:49 PM) W: oh yes
(10:56:19 PM) M: I'd give you the stuff I had from years ago, but I don't know what happened to it
(10:56:32 PM) W: heh heh
(10:56:50 PM) W: well, I just need to stop letting people walk on me
(10:57:08 PM) W: I make my decisions based on what I think other people want
(10:58:01 PM) M: You need to be happy with yourself first, I think
(11:01:59 PM) M: It's odd that you describe yourself as codependent, but I've always thought of you as being very independent
(11:02:19 PM) W: emotionally, I've been codependent

(11:23:27 PM) W: I know that this has all been hard for you
(11:23:35 PM) M: don't worry about me
(11:23:39 PM) M: worry about you, and D
(11:23:43 PM) W: I do
(11:24:01 PM) W: but I know you want things to go back to the way they were
(11:24:39 PM) M: I don't know
(11:25:08 PM) M: I wouldn't want things to be like they were
(11:25:26 PM) M: that didn't work out well for either of us
(11:26:04 PM) W: nope
(11:26:12 PM) M: I just want you to be happy again
(11:26:22 PM) W: you can't always think of me
(11:26:30 PM) W: you have to make yourself happy as well
(11:26:54 PM) W: and honestly, I think what I need right now is to stay away from romantic relationships for a while
(11:28:32 PM) M: yeah, you won't be able to really do what you need if you're always thinking about someone else, or how what you do affects them
(11:28:43 PM) W: yep
(11:28:51 PM) W: it's hurt D most of all
(11:29:11 PM) W: and I think I need to get to the root of my habit of repeating mistakes
(11:29:33 PM) W: neither you or I has been by ourselves for many, many years
(11:29:54 PM) M: you're right

[JennyF]

Brit....these actually seem like productive conversations. There is a lot in here to work from.
Maybe you guys could set some boundries for your current relationship based on these needs of hers. That way you aren't confused all the time. It sounds like she's very open to talking about it anyway. And if you do it together, it's not you telling her.
I think she is keeping the door very open, but really needs to figure her own *stuff* out as she said.
And, she really does need you. That's a good sign.
Your texts back to her are great. Very validating and comforting.
J~

I have no idea what to make of my W today. First I get this wonderful news...

(10:07:50 AM) W: well, OM's mom is moving out of the apartment on Friday
(10:08:15 AM) M: is he leaving too?
(10:08:25 AM) W: lol...I guess he has to now!
(10:08:44 AM) W: I told him he could rent my extra bedroom for a while

I didn't argue about it, although I'm obviously pretty pissed off - I don't think anything will come of it, but I really don't want D there if he is there too.

(10:29:58 AM) W: are you planning on going to England this year?
(10:30:09 AM) M: nope
(10:30:21 AM) W: what are you going to do for a vacation?
(10:30:25 AM) M: no idea
(10:30:33 AM) W: me neither
(10:30:53 AM) M: did you want to go to England? ;-)
(10:31:05 AM) W: England...sure
(10:31:13 AM) W: visit your mom? not so much ;-)

I ended up taking D to school this morning for W, since we have a load of snow... She asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. Not really sure if I want to now.

[smith18]

Arrgghh! I thought things were turning around quite well for your W and then she offers for this loser to stay at her place. I can understand you anger about the prospect of your D seeing your W with this guy. Hopefully, she will come to her senses. I dont know that there is any way for you to express to her that this is such a bad idea.

Arrgghh! I thought things were turning around quite well for your W and then she offers for this loser to stay at her place. I can understand you anger about the prospect of your D seeing your W with this guy. Hopefully, she will come to her senses. I dont know that there is any way for you to express to her that this is such a bad idea.

I don't even know what to say - My only comment I am going to raise if it comes up again is that it's going to be very confusing to D to have someone else living there. Depending on W's mood, I may also tell her that it probably isn't the best thing considering two days ago she was telling me how important it was for her to live on her own for a while.

Short of that, I'll just get an attorney and not let D stay there if he is there. I have my limits - This crap goes beyond that line.

I doubt much will come of it. Their R is so volatile that they'll probably be fighting before the end of the week as it is - Heck, I'm sure W will be pissed if he doesn't want to move in anyway. I know she asked him to move in with her back in September and he refused.

I dont know that there is any way for you to express to her that this is such a bad idea.

Well, tonight went from bad to worse, so it came up.

I got to W's house with D, and she was talking to OM on her computer - Told me something about how he was having more problems with where he lives, or something. I didn't really care, plus I was tired, so I just got D together to go to dinner. Dinner was actually a lot of fun - We laughed, had a good time together, and D was pretty well behaved. We went to Home Depot afterwards so I could fix W's sink in her bathroom. Somewhere along the way a conversation started about how W has made the same mistakes over and over (her last 3 relationships pretty much ended the same way our's did, but she does realize that it's her, not everyone else, that is the problem). She talked a lot about how she felt so unloved and unappreciated throughout all of her relationships. On the plus side she told me that she loved me, that she loved spending time with me, and that she enjoyed us and D doing things together.

We got home, got D to bed, and W was pretty agitated... I fixed her sink, then we ended up watching TV for a while. The conversation went downhill from there. W talked about how hard she tried in our M, how much she really put everything she had into us. I tried to validate and listen, but she was really upset. She asked me to leave, so I got my stuff together and we headed into the kitchen. It started up again, and she got really angry and frustrated.

1) She doesn't feel that anything has changed with me, and that if we got back into our M again we'd repeat the same mistakes

2) W said she really needs to be alone for a while and not be involved with anyone.

It was crappy timing but I brought up the OM thing. I told her I felt it would be confusing and stressful to D to have someone living there, male or female, and that I would prefer for us to talk about how to handle it before it got to that point. W was REALLY upset and said she was waiting for it to come up tonight...

She told me to go, that she would look at filing separation to work out 'our issues related to D' and she asked for the key back to her house (I gave it back to her). She pretty much said we needed to not hang out anymore, and that she was disappointed we couldn't be friends.

I really don't understand why we are having SO MANY problems recently. We went six months without a single argument, and now we're going back and forth each week with something that rubs one of us the wrong way. W told me she is angry at everyone. I guess I need to leave her alone for now. I swear every time things get good, they go downhill so quickly. It's not even two weeks since everything went crazy on Valentine's day.

I realize that I screwed up - I antagonized her, and was expecting an answer from her that I wasn't going to get... I really should have just left after D went to bed, but it's too late for that now.

I feel like I just took 20 steps back.