My H has ended his R with the OW and silly me thought that would be the beginning of putting our M back together. However, he still isn't sure about what he wants and has decided to start looking for a better job so that he can get his own apartment and move out. I am in a lot of pain right now. I really didn't think it was going to come to this. I thought once the OW was gone, he would see things differently.
Anyhow...it is going to take some time for him to find a better job. What can I do in the meantime? Do I need to talk to a lawyer about legal seperation? (which I don't really understand to begin with). I know I am supposed to GAL but am I supoosed to pretend like I am happy with the decision he has made? I have read DR but just am not sure how I am supposed to act. I know that all of the crying I have been doing isn't good...but I just can't control that at the moment.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Wow, I feel like I am living your life, except that there was no other women in the picture with my husband. I feel your pain. My husband decided several days ago to end our "relationship" however we have to remain in the same house until may because of other circumstances. I don't know how to act either, I have tons of anger and it shows, I am crying all the time just like you and I know that doesn't help, because no man wants to be with a women how isn't confident and how can't control her emotions. This is such a tough situation. Another member told me "fake it until you make it", which I thought was great advice, now only if we can manage to actually do that.
Wow, I feel like I am living your life, except that there was no other women in the picture with my husband. I feel your pain. My husband decided several days ago to end our "relationship" however we have to remain in the same house until may because of other circumstances. I don't know how to act either, I have tons of anger and it shows, I am crying all the time just like you and I know that doesn't help, because no man wants to be with a women how isn't confident and how can't control her emotions. This is such a tough situation. Another member told me "fake it until you make it", which I thought was great advice, now only if we can manage to actually do that.
No kidding. I am an overly-emotional person to begin with. I cry at the drop of a pin, so when there is something that really deserves to be cried over, I start and can't stop. I know I look pathetic in his eyes but whenever I try to stop acting that way, I just get worse.
I am hoping that maybe while he is here with me, I can do some things that will help him change his mind about leaving. He says he is 90% sure that he wants to go, so I have a 10% opportunity there. But right now I just feel defeated.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Sara - 10% is great! The majority of the those who want out won't even come close to saying there's a chance at all (even if there is, they won't tell the spouse that).
You don't need to act happy about his decision, but you do need to validate him. I'm sorry you feel that way kind of things. Don't argue with him, that tells him that you don't care about his feelings, which he's entitled to even if you don't think he "should" feel that way.
Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? That should help you a lot.
The very first things I'd work on are taking good care of yourself (it's easy to "forget" this when you're hurting so much), and getting control of your emotions. If he changes his mind it will be because he sees a new, improved, strong, confident, capable woman who he is attracted to. So you've got to be that person. And coincidentally enough, that's good for YOU too, no matter what happens.
What 180s can you do? What do you "always" do and it would really surprise him (and be a positive for you) if you did it differently??
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I forgot to mention - the most obvious and important 180 is to be calm, cool, collected, happy, upbeat, and KNOWING in your heart that your future will be great because you'll MAKE it that way. Imagine his surprise when you're not the sobbing puddle he expects..
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I would not think about a legal separation unless you really really need one. I didn't want to do ANYTHING until there was a threat of assets being foolishly used or an abuse of credit threat. That's the reason that after months of separation I have started the legal separation. And I made it clear to my H that I am NOT going to divorce him and that the separation can be dissolved at ANY time. I told him that he is my husband and that he remains my number two priority, under God Himself.
So please don't DO anything until you are SURE it is the best thing to do! {{{HUGS}}} My heart goes out to you!
M: ten years BS23, BS17 Step-SS20, SS16, SS14 Separated: August 07
What grabbed me in your post is that you said he was 90% sure he wanted to leave.
Well, my wife told me the same thing, more than once. Even 2 weeks ago, when things began to turn around for her, she said "you know - I was 90% out the door, and that door was closing, not opening".
My wife now wants to reconcile, and we are back on the road to starting a brand new marriage.
So - my point. 10% is not zero. I am living proof.
If you envision a negative outcome, that is what you will project, and possibly get. So, change your thread title!
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Thanks minkerman that is so true...10% is not zero and I still have a ray of hope.
He was going on and on about how he isn't sexually attracted to me and stuff. That really hurts, but I listened to what he had to say and kept validating his feelings. He is still really hung up on the OW right now. I am very sure that R is over and so is he, but he is still addicted to her. He is going to try to move on and get over her, which I am sure will take time. It kills me how he thinks he was madly in love with someone he knew for a whole 2 1/2 months. Yeah...he was in LUST with her and nothing more. But I didn't say that, I just validated that he is having a difficult time getting over her and that he needs to move on when he is ready. But maybe whenever he has moved past her, he will start to see me a little differently. That is my prayer right now.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
One thing I did as a start was created a google calender with a friend and each we would write a task for the other to do. All the tasks were something we wanted to do for ourselves. It could be as simple as take a bath or go to the gym, to something like have a spa day or buy a new item of clothing. These are small things but they help you to try and feel better about yourself. Its not easy to do but once you start you don't want to stop. Below is the link for the calender that we use
FTP - thanks for posting that link, I hadn't seen that before and that looks really useful!! Great idea to do that with your friend, too. Sounds like an excellent way to connect, and a PMA boost as well.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
