NikB #25

[NikB]

Thanks Cliffy and Michelle!

Cliffy
Aw thank you so much. It's great to hear from you! I'm still jealous of your horses so don't feel too bad. I will catch up on you soon.

Michelle
Aw man, sorry you have to work! It's weird, I'm watching the radar and it looks like it is absolutely pouring everywhere but where I am. No rain yet!

-----------
So, last night H's original plans to work on his car fell through and we went out to dinner together, came home and without going into details, had a VERY nice night together. Nice start to the weekend!!

Today I am trying to get motivated to catch up on about 50 things I've been putting off (cleaning up the office, starting the taxes, all that fun stuff). Think I'll start with an oil change before the rain finally hits. Fun stuff here. But it'll feel good to catch up some, I know. I did all the dishes and laundry yesterday in case we lost power so those are done at least.

I just posted this to a couple other threads and wanted to post it here as well. As a reminder to myself to read this stuff once in awhile (it's been too long!), and also in case it's helpful to anyone else.

I really like the coping.org site. Seems like every time I read it (even a page I've read 20 times), I learn or realize something new that helps me.

This "Letting Go" page had some good info I thought:
http://coping.org/grief/letgo.htm

(it's a bit focused on a person passing away rather than a separation, but I still think a lot of it applies). This part in particular I found really valuable:

"Adjustment Post Lost: The "holder on'' [aka LBS] is lost once the person does "let go''[letter-goer = the WAS] because they are challenged to survive in life without the other person. The "holder on" can make a successful adjustment and become more independent, resourceful, and personally responsible in her/his own life. A less successful outcome is the "holder on" collapsing into self pity, debilitating grief, and maladaptive behavior. The "holder on" in either case needs assistance and support initially to sort out the impact of the loss event so as to be better able to decide which outcome they want for their life. It is a personal choice of the "holder on'' how they will adjust to the person's letting go."

Powerful stuff there.

There is also a LOT on this page that has been helpful to me:
http://coping.org/control/content.htm

It's about handling "control issues" - at first I thought "Who me? I don't have control issues." Then realized that MANY of the problems I was facing were related to this.

Some of the topics I found most useful on that page:
Overcoming the Need to Fix
Accepting Powerlessness
Letting Go of the Uncontrollables and Unchangables
Developing Detachment
Eliminating Overdependence

I also found it really interesting reading through some of those and seeing them from H's side. Particularly the dependence thing - reading the stuff about "how to get someone to stop being overly dependent on you." In particular I saw that my H DID try a lot of the things they suggest to help me become more independent - of course, at the time I didn't see it or it scared me and I reacted by becoming more clingy and needy.

Hope those are helpful to others too!