She's Gone - No Contact

[NikB]

Hey K - I just posted this to someone else but not sure if you read her thread and I thought some of this might be helpful to you, too.

Have you ever taken a look at the coping.org site? They have some really good, practical exercises that help with some of this stuff. This "Letting Go" page had some good info I thought:
http://coping.org/grief/letgo.htm

(it's a bit focused on a person passing away rather than a separation, but I still think a lot of it applies). This part in particular I found really valuable:

"Adjustment Post Lost: The "holder on'' is lost once the person does "let go'' because they are challenged to survive in life without the other person. The "holder on'' can make a successful adjustment and become more independent, resourceful, and personally responsible in her/his own life. A less successful outcome is the ``holder on'' collapsing into self pity, debilitating grief, and maladaptive behavior. The "holder on'' in either case needs assistance and support initially to sort out the impact of the loss event so as to be better able to decide which outcome they want for their life. It is a personal choice of the "holder on'' how they will adjust to the person's letting go."

Powerful stuff there.

There is also a LOT on this page that has been helpful to me:
http://coping.org/control/content.htm

It's about handling "control issues" - at first I'd think "Who me? I don't have control issues." Then realized that MANY of the problems I (and all of us) was facing were related to this.

Some of the topics I found most useful on that page:
Overcoming the Need to Fix
Accepting Powerlessness
Letting Go of the Uncontrollables and Unchangables
Developing Detachment
Eliminating Overdependence

I also found it really interesting reading through some of those and seeing them from H's side. Particularly the dependence thing - reading the stuff about "how to get someone to stop being overly dependent on you." (you will also probably think "I wish H had done it THAT way rather than what he did") In particular I saw that my H DID actually try a lot of the things they suggest to help me become more independent - of course, at the time I didn't see it or it scared me and I reacted by becoming more clingy and needy. Not sure if the same is true for you, but I'm betting it is.

I hope you find those helpful - I re-read them every so often and just let the concepts kinda simmer in the back of my mind. I've come to a lot of good realizations/understandings that way.