Finding Supermom - #4

[JennyF]

SG,
Yes this is helpful, thank you.
The problem I am having right now is that in order to focus on myself and GAL and do the DB'ing necessary (which I REALLY want to do), I have to let go of a lot of the hurt, resentment, anger, in order to focus on those exceptions.
Part of that is as you said,
"Don't let this relationship consume your every thought, your every action."
My H is moving so fast that it seems as though as soon as I get my head wrapped around something and feel ok with the status quo...BAM, he throws another curve ball. So I'm learning to expect those curve balls and take them in stride. Trying not to let them consume me.
I KNOW I need to back off and let him go down this path...and go down my own path. I am.
One of the things I need to work on in my own life is that I can easily get overwhelmed. It's fair to say I couldn't be any more overwhelmed right now with a newborn, 3 year old and having to decide whether to sell my house or not while on Mat leave all while trying to get over the end of my M and loss of the man I love. Well when you say it like that!!!
Anyway...my life lessons are what this journey of mine is about. So how do I take those circumstances, stop dwelling on the unfairness of it all and how WRONG it is...and just make the best of it for me and my kids? Well, I'm getting there.
Instead of seeing my time away from my kids and killing me inside and tearing me apart...just see as a welcome break. (by the way while H has S today, I'm going to get my hair done! AND I didn't cry when he left!).
I am working so hard to change my thinking and to allow this process to happen while I fix what is broken inside me.
It is of course hard on the relationship stuff, to believe that I am working on the R, when H is so firm there isn't one anymore. But we're co-parent's if nothing else so the comminication and opportunities are there.
And as everyone always worries, if I GAL, be his friend and look happy, he'll think I'm ok with this. And I'm not. BUT BUT BUT, the circumstances are as they are whether I'm ok with it or not. If I don't accept it, then I'm not giving it the best opportunity possible to change.

As far as the MLC goes, this helps to put into perspective H's actions. It is the ONLY way that the person he has become makes sense to me.
And you are right...this only serves to show me that this is going to be a lengthy process. What I have to do doesn't change based on this info. It just means I may not see results any time soon.
I can't get rid of this feeling in my heart that he is not done with me. I wish I had some way of knowing if this is blind faith, good intuition or just denial.
But does it matter? No, because it doesn't change what I have to do for myself.
OK...I'm talking in circles now. Thanks SG for checking in on my again. I'm hoping to get a solution journal posted by the end of the weekend with some concrete goals and actions.

Having said ALL THAT, I had a blast last night with the girls. We went out to dinner, I picked up S on the way home, put him to bed and we had a LOT of wine and stayed up until the wee hours.
Thank God for girlfriends!!!
I'm off to get my hair done!
J~