CONTACTING OW/OW'S HUSBAND

[Jen_Jam]

hi Kikee

I realised that all of my R's had followed the same pattern ... I would pick a guy less dynimic than me, encourage and push him to do well, he would then I'd get left behind.
I realised I wasn't being encouraging but dominerring and pushy. I realised that if I were to have a successful R with any guy in the future I had to break that pattern.

I also had a LOT of low self esteem issues. getting told "I don't love you and I'm moving out" was THE most horrid thing for that low self esteem. I realised I couldn't afford to get hurt like that again.

Working on me meant riding myself of that, it meant becoming the person I've always wanted to be - calm, friendly, open, accepting. I realised too there was nothing wrgon with my dynacism and wanting to do better, but that it would be far better to put that energy more into myself than another person. Sure, I would offer to help if I could but I learned you can't really push people to places they don't really want to go.

So working on myself was more cerebal than physical. I realised too that i had been working too hard and neglaecting my friends, so made more of an effort to see them as well.

Of course I looked for a reaction in my H, it was almost impossible not to. But he was slow to catch up. He's since told me that he had to let a lot of things just happne for himself, that there was little I could do. he went through a MLC. I had to sit back and wait.

Sure, if he'd read DR then he'd have had the tools to drag himself out a whole lot quicker, but then it wasn't up to me to force him out. I still resent a little that he didn't actively do anything to pull himself out of MLC, that he just passively sat back and waited for it to pass, but I'll have to deal with that feeling.

What else do you have to do? Oh YES YES YES I hear your anger. I felt really angry too, but letting fly at H had no effect. I did tell him I felt anger, but much much later, when he had recommitted. Well ... for just about every LBS here the situation is NOT fair. Sure, we played our parts in the M crisis, but rarely is just one side to blame. But the blame game gets nobody anywhere ... all the LBS can do is hold their hands up, accept their share of the blame and fix it. And the WAS? Oh yep, they drag their feet, it's a real waiting game. But if you can break through the negative thoughts of how unfair it is, avoid self pity, do your share of the work and accept the WAS isn't going to budge from their comfort blanket of OP/ILYBINILWY/I want a D etc etc, you can come out a stronger person.

Kiki, you have strength. You can come through this. You have a fire in you that if you can channel will be a huge help to you. Chin up lass, play the waiting game, in the meantime have a lot of fun - do whatever it takes, even if that is going out on a deserted hill and screaming your lungs out. Chin up lass!