I guess it's human nature to want to control something in our lives. The sad thing is, we already do....ourselves.
I read somewhere on the bb recently that sex and money are two big issues for cntrol within a marriage. Usually each one is controlled by a different partner. I found this really interesting and I've been doing alot of soul searching on this. I can't say I'm proud of what I've discovered about myself. I was not the partner that controlled sex. B/c I felt it was used as a form of punishment (witholding), I did a passive/aggressive thing with money. I've never been a financial whiz, but I was generally pretty frugal. Guess what, I got to where I wasn't. I'd have to say that this was where I exerted control. It's sad and I wasn't conscious of it at the time. In fact, if I hadn't read that post and really thought about it, I probably never would have realized what I was doing.
There is no such thing as a coincidence. All that we learn here and in life is for a reason.
Grace, I think it was in my last MC session that the sex and money control issue came up.
I've been thinking a lot about it also, and I have a theory. The MLCer will use what they control to gain leverage. Since my wife primarily controlled the sex, she withheld sex in an attempt to create an intolerable situation that would either a)convince me to reject her, or b)convince herself and others that she didn't love me anymore. In either case, it would be easier for her to leave the relationship.
Or maybe I'm overthinking things...
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I believe what you said happens in a lot of cases. It is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. They create the situation in their minds before it actually happens.
I definitely don't think you are overthinking things. I think you are analyzing correctly.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
The key control issues for my situation is now money, but it used to be sex.
I suppose with sex, the one who has lower desire controls the issue. She had lower desire, and was totally in control of when we made love. Totally in control always. For us, money was never an issue. I didn't want to live concerned about money. I had a good job. We just lived within our means, I didn't mind much abotu the money. She ran the household budget. I guess she controlled that, too, but it wasn't really a concern of mine.
Now that she has filed for divorce, she maintains control over the sex of course, but now adds the money as something in her control. Money has become a huge control issue because we don't have enough for a house for me, while she remains in the family home. Weirdly, her control is backfiring, and because she is divorcing me, she will be forced from the home.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
However, from reading your thread she does not sound unintelligent. If she's introspective at all, on some level she's aware what she's doing. She may not know why. It's like a form of self sabotage. for example, I say I want to lose weight and then go and stick a cupcake in my mouth. Then on top of that beat myself up mentally. At some point I need to look at what that cupcake is doing for me int that moment that allows me to sacrifice my larger goal. I really don't think I'm being overly optimistic to think that at some point most people look at this stuff. That's when the regret comes in. Maybe my age is showing here. I don't know.
Grace, thanks for the comment. I think you are correct! She is not unintelligent. In fact I always thought of her as very bright and intelligent. She recently hasn't felt the same way. She made comments regularly about being "not smart enough" or "not smart anymore". We got my son a nintendo DS - a handheld electronic game for his 12th bday. With it came a game called "Brain Quest" - it is quizzes and word puzzles and things. Supposed to keep you sharp. I read that it is being used by retired persons to stay sharp, kind of like Sudoku and crossword puzzles, but it is electronic. Anyway, my wife commented that maybe she should play it to get smarter.
This is the same woman who ran our family finances for years, who plans our vacations, who worked with me on our wills and on our financial plan just 12 months ago. This is the same woman who keeps all the doctor appointments - pediatricians, eye doctors, orthodontists, and more - for four kids. She files our taxes and runs the household. Just 2 years ago she undertook and completed a volunteer project in which she conceived a plan to build a new town park, solicited donations, interviewed vendors, got matching funds from government grants and corporate donors, organized and held fundraising events, assembled a volunteer workforce, and actually oversaw installation of the new park.
I know that as Bomb said, it's not the lack of intelligence that is preventing them from seeing what they are doing - it is the adolescent mind.
But it is kooky to observe.
It's really like she has lost her mind. My company relocated my family in the past year - and covered much of the relocation expense. As part of that they paid me the "Tax gross up". So if the cost of the move was, let's say, $30,000, and there is a 33% tax rate, my company actually paid me $40,000, so I could cover the taxes.
This was a one-time special compensation for me, related to the relocation. It was actually more than $40,000, but it illustrates the point.
In Wifey's divorce filing, she actually states that all of my income for the year was "Regular income" and she projects that I will continue to receive that income in the future, and in fact I am receiving it even now. As a result of this income, we have plenty of money for me to get a new apartment, and pay her lots of money for her own new place to live. Somehow she has completely forgotten about the one-time nature of the relocation compensation. It's over and done. We never got the money. Sure, we benefited from it, but it went directly to the moving company and to the real estate company for commissions. it never went in our checking account. Somehow she thinks maybe I've been socking money away, hiding it from her? She thinks my paycheck is a lot larger than it really is.
There is more un-reality stuff like this in her filing. It makes me think, she is not herself. She is not making sense. She is missing some basic facts. Maybe she really is going dumb, just like she suspected.
She is in for a very rude awakening at some point. I hope it is not too late. (sounds like that Nora Jones song....)
It is interesting (in a dark and twisted sort of way) how they perceive things. I think there is some deep seated need to believe that wahtever they find, it will make them happy. The problem with that theory is where ever you go, there you are. Unless and until they do some work on themselves, I don't see happiness in their immediate futures.
I like Nora Jones and I hope it isn't too late. It's the saying cool and calm part that can be so hard, but then I'm preaching to the choir here.
Well, I knew it was coming. H has found an apt and is moving out. Now, we get to sit the kids down and tell them. Oh, joy. I'm in a strange place today. It's like I'm looking inside and see total devestation, yet outside (so far) I'm pretty calm. Not even any tears yet. I'll have to think on all this and figue out where I am. It's like a form of emotional shut-down. I was really good at this as a teenager and it's not very healthy. I'm hoping that all the exercise I've been doing is just putting me in a calmer place to be able to handle all of this. Not sure yet.
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before i sleep."
Thank you so much for the prayer.I don't feel very grown up today. I look to you and others that are incredible parents and I strive for that. I know that no matter what, I will look out for our D's and help them deal with all this. If that's the best I can do, well, that's not so bad.
(((Grace))) You're a great mom and I know you and your Ds will get through this. Telling our kids that h had gotten his own place was just awful, but we made it past that day and you will too.
