What's been missing is a true relationship with my h.
Things haven't changed much...I'm still afraid to upset the apple cart full of apples that aren't good enough to make a christmas pie. Constantly questioning if it is as bad as I fell it is or if I just can't get the mud colored glasses off.
now I find myself in a holding pattern with h.
Can I really live the rest of my life without feeling loved, connected, appreciated, wanted by my husband? I don't think so but I'm still not ready to jump ship.
Any thoughts, questions or comments are welcome.
I can't read all your threads, it just pulls me further into the abyss.
/quote]
lostlove, I went to your other thread to take a look at your situation. I feel that if you are posting here you are as interested in piecing as the rest of us -- in spite of your discontent and your discouragement, there's still a flicker of hope.
So here's what I think: it seems to me that you and H are both doing the right thing by your children. Both of you are sacrificing for your children, to give them a home and to raise them as well as possible. I think that was a factor in H returning to the marriage -- he manned-up, and more power to him for doing that. A lot don't.
But it seems like the damage to the relationship was never addressed. It seems like H made his peace in his own way. He is likely just marking time now -- and maybe he sees you as doing the same thing (a projection on his part, he doesn't realize you are GALing and DBing)
So you've been GALing & DBing for 5 years now. It looks like divorce is not on the agenda -- but is this a case of successful DBing or is it a case of H manning-up to his responsibility to his children? In other words, will he stay no matter what you do or don't do? If this is the case, then likely you can afford to take a few more chances with the relationship. Knowing that H will still hang in there for the sake of the kids -- and that is likely your priority concern also, right? -- gives you a bit more leeway in things you might consider doing to improve the marriage relationship, to use your energy for something other than walking on eggs and developing an exit plan. In the beginning, you and H chose one another for good and valid reasons, you had many years of loving relationship. And it looks like he'll be hanging around long enough for the two of you to find your way back to that. That's what I would put my energy into. Whatever the two of you have been doing for the past few years isn't working -- so do something different. To me, that is the one of the most valuable pieces of advice Michele gives -- if what you're doing isn't working stop doing it, do something different.
